Honesty

This is something I've thought about, and haven't seen here - a discussion on the Elements of Friendship.

I'm not sure if each element is worth its own thread, so if it doesn't seem like it, perhaps I'll just make a second thread called, "And the rest."

But honesty is a big thing, I think, and might just be able to carry itself pretty far.

First of all, let me ask, how important is honest to you, in general as well as in a friend? Very? Top of the list?

What about if your best friend doesn't like your hat? In fact, what if he thinks its the ugliest thing ever? Well, hats are easy. I doubt any of us will take great offense at being told our hat was ugly.

But there are many artists here. How hard is it for you to get an honest opinion about your work? I sometimes find myself wondering, are they telling me the truth or are they just saying it's good because they're my friend? Over the years, I've gotten over that feeling, and now accept their opinions and criticism. In fact, getting criticism helped me get over fears they were just being nice. When flaws are pointed out, it's hard to accuse the person of "just being nice." It doesn't help that I tend to be overly critical of my own work.

And how about ourselves? How honest are we? If I were to ask that at random of people, they would say they're honest people. And they probably are, for the most part. But - and here's the tricky part - when some random stranger comes up and says, "I'm taking a poll - are you an honest person?" We're not going to say to a perfect stranger, "No, not 100% - I've often lied at work, saying I'm done with a project or almost done. And I haven't told my parents lots of things. And I fudged on my income taxes . . ."

The thing is, I believe we all lie - lie to ourselves, even if only a little, and I think we often lie by omission - that is, lie by not telling the whole truth. I often catch my wife doing this, and she considers herself a very honest person. I also notice people lie based on situations, or people they're talking to. I tend to exaggerate stories I tell to strangers to seem a bit more interesting.

When telling the 100% truth, I always ask myself, "Does this help?" For example, does it help to tell my friend he has an ugly hat? No, of course not. Besides, "ugly" is a judgement, and just because I don't like it doesn't mean he can't like it. So unless he looks utterly ridiculous with it on, and he thinks he looks beautiful with it, I'll just say, "It goes with your eyes," or some such. A lie? Yes. Yes it is. But does it hurt? Maybe, but it might hurt more to say, "It's ugly." Especially if he's real keen on it. Such is a choice to make when being honest. "Does the truth help?" I suppose asking the reverse also work, "Does a lie hurt?" There are times when you must lie. (If you don't believe that, just wait until your girlfriend asks, "Does this make my butt look big?")

But, with people that are important to me, I'm always honest - even if it might hurt. And it might hurt not just you, but me as well. Especially if I've done something I consider wrong, or have failed to do something I should have. But I'm not 100% honest. I know that, and I don't expect others to be 100% honest. If I'm not holding myself to that standard, then why should I hold you to it? But, since this community is important to me, I'll always be honest with you.

 

Honestly? It's - festive. I like your beard, though.

 

I'm sorry - I'm just not into the whole Santa hat thing. Maybe because I had to wear them too many times at work . . .

I always (well, I should say, I now) try to preface such things as Opinions, which is what the hat question would be, with something along the lines of "Sorry, not my taste." And then, as you say, suggest something that I think looks better. But most of my friends question my taste in fashion any ways.

I think sometimes lieing to avoid a conflict, with some one that you most likely won't meet again, for example, is alright. However, there are still risks in that. Although I will say telling the truth is usually better, since you don't have to remember the story you made up later.

One could argue that it's always a good idea to tell the truth, but as I said, people can't seem to help but lie from time to time.

I can understand not wanted to rat your friend out (do they still say that? Eh, I'm just showing my age again), but if your friend is into something bad, like you say above, and you get asked by the parents if something's wrong, sometimes silence works as good as telling the truth. They may hate you at first, but it's better than attending a funeral.

Sorry, don't mean to be too grim, but it's true.

 

This probably wouldn't work with parents, although it might - How about just saying, "It's complicated"? Or perhaps if you just don't want to share, try "It's personal."

And, yes, I think lying is a matter of a lack of trust, or at least that's one aspect of it. If you don't trust that person, say you're afraid he'll go blab your secret, then why tell him the truth? The trouble is, even with a trusted friend, things can slip out. If it's not your secret to keep, it's a little easier to let it slip. Ben Franklin said, "Three people can keep a secret, if two are dead." I find this to be quite true.