Re-Orienting

Man, didn't think I'd write another blog this soon. As some of you may have noticed, it's like I changed all of a sudden. Well, really, I kinda snapped. Not only did I end up taking a more domineering attitude but I also kinda went numb. Those are the ingredients you need to make a bully. So I guess I did kinda act like a bully to certain members but my numbness really made me not care about anything. However, I'm not here to talk about that.

What I'm hear to talk about is what my encounter with futility has led me to. Me and [MENTION=347]Echoax[/MENTION] talked about how I started acting and I came clean about it. It just seemed baffling that the person who wished to make EP a warmer place was being so negative and somewhat asinine. During our conversation, there were aspects to my motivation that I had not noticed before. That I was geared not to help individuals but the whole community. Everyone was to benefit. Once that got put into perspective, it became clear that this was futile from the very beginning. Having made the realization and the distinction between individual and community, it makes much more sense to put the focus on individuals. Aside from being much more realistic, the staff and their perspectives become completely irrelevant and I won't any longer be burdened by EP's fate. I'm not doing this for EP anymore and frankly I stopped caring. I'm just here to make use of it. As long as I have a void as big as EP itself, I'm going to continue feeding the addiction. I really am stuck here as absurd as it sounds. That is, unless I find something else to fill the void in an even better way but who knows.

Suppose this newfound sense of purpose will keep me afloat. I've helped some people i dire need for it and although I didn't go the full run and the long haul like I intended, as far as they're concerned, it made a world of difference. I'll continue to do what I do but now with better focus.

PS. It might take a while for the numbness to wear off.