Undoubtedly, you are asking yourself, "Who is Richard Anderson?" I was going to answer that with a huge block of text, but after some consideration, I've decided not to, for a couple of reasons. One, it's a sad story, and I'd like to stay away from sadness today. Besides, I hate trying to type and cry at the same time. Two, it's kind of pointless, as it would have little relevance to the forum and topic at hand. So, let me say Richard Anderson was my best friend for over thirty years. Today, 13 February, would have been his forty-eighth birthday. Yes, would have been. He died four years ago. It was a shock when he died, more of a shock than I realized. I thought I had gotten over it, done my mourning and moved on. So what does this have to do with Everypony? Well, a little history of me and Everypony from my point of view. Some seven months ago I stumbled across this forum, and one of the reasons I originally joined because I wanted to watch episodes with fellow bronies (they showed episodes here back then), but almost as soon as I joined, they had to stop doing that. Just my luck. Instead, I decided to talk to people. They seemed very friendly in my intro thread, so why not? And gosh darn-it, the people here were the nicest, friendliest, getting-alongest people I've met in a long, long time. I had great fun, and looked forward to getting online every day. They were enjoyable, funny, intelligent (you have no idea how much that is lacking in Reno!), and clever. That was last July and August. Starting in September, I noticed myself withdrawing a little. Not much at first, just a little, and I really didn't notice until October that I wasn't going on as much, or rather, I was lurking a lot more than I used to, and not posting so much. I didn't think too much of it at first - that sort of thing happens. But, even as my birthday approached, in November, I didn't visit as much, and didn't talk as much to the people I liked, even though I got Skype and had a bunch of people from the forum as pretty much the only people on there. I spent December puzzling through this. What was wrong with me? Why didn't I like hanging out here as much as I used to? Then it hit me, about six weeks ago. It wasn't just here - it was everywhere. I've been completely anti-social since Richard died. I haven't written like I used to, I don't talk to people like I used to, I don't even try to be friendly to others. I was - afraid. Afraid of loosing more friends. Subconsciously, we're all aware that someday, we'll loose our friends. But having it actually happen is something else. Especially when it happens without warning, and without any good reason. And, whenever his birthday rolled around, like today, I did nothing to observe it. I didn't think of him, drink his favorite drink, read his favorite author - nothing. It was like, he never existed. I am ashamed I treated my best friend like that. So, today, I drink his favorite drink - a mocha frappuccino (Well, that's his favorite drink that I can safely drink before going to work) - I think of him, I'll read some Piers Anthony and Isaac Asimov, and I'd like to thank you. What? What do you mean, why? If you weren't all so gosh-darned friendly, I wouldn't have reacted like I did, and I wouldn't have sat down with myself for some thinking, and I wouldn't have realized that this isn't how I want to live my life. Yes, friends leave, but I don't think Richard wanted to leave anymore than I wanted him to go. Maybe I blamed him a bit, blamed myself even more, but I know it's no one's fault. And it's no reason to not want to have more friends. I surprised myself by realizing that I like you all. I haven't met a single person on this forum that wasn't some combination of pleasant, nice, intelligent, thoughtful, funny, entertaining and delightful. I'm 47 years old, and I don't know how much I have in common with you (other than ponies, but perhaps that's enough), but I'd like to be a little closer. I need to be a little closer. Some of you, like Lupr, Saikyo, Chapien, Thanny, I enjoy talking to and helping as needed, and a few others that might be surprised to find how much I enjoy their company, however little of it I've experienced. I can't think of a single person here I don't like. (Of course, that may be because I don't know you so well ) Today, to celebrate Mr. Anderson's (he hated it when I said it like on Matrix) birthday, I shall finally move on with my life - just like Richard would've wanted me to. Thanks for reading that block of text, and I hope I haven't made anyone sad - because birthdays are supposed to be happy! Richard wouldn't want us to be sad this day, or any day.
That...was a great block of text to read! I (and I'm pretty sure everyone) know what you mean when you became antisocial, it's that feeling I got when I was eleven years old, "if I had played with my cat for slightly longer the car would have missed it" because it was that exact set of variables that led to that exact outcome...right? Of course not, but you unwillingly think that way anyway, so the only other option is to remove all of the variables and prevent a similar outcome. (not sure if I wrote the above in a fluent and/or comprehensive way) A very happy birthday to Mr Anderson! Wherever he is!...couldn't help myself [youtube]XooISvoZ_rs[/youtube] But, I also feel the need to congratulate you on your choice Dwynter, and thank you for doing so. Thank you so much for deciding to move on because you will be a lot happier that you did.
Recognized some stuff. Even though I've never had to lose a close friend, I also tend to be anti-social because I'm scared. Fate wants it yesterday was the day I decided for myself; from now on I should stop neglecting people I don't know well out of fear of being judged. I'm sorry for your loss, Dwynter. Love <3
As we all have different levels of emotions and factors that make us - such as your aforementioned pleasant, nice, intelligent, thoughtful, funny, entertaining and delightful, et cetera - so too do we have levels of sociability. One of the things to note in life is that all these factors in life are a mix of biological and environmental, different events altering them in some ways. When a person you're close to dies, then, with most people, a whole tide of emotions sweeps over them. In your case, this altered your sociability. However - as cruel as it may be to admit it - the strong-willed ones of us will get over it, and live life as normal. But, yeah, we all respond to events in different ways. I'm not particularly emotional, so I get over things very quickly. And I have nothing more to write.
I can sympathize with this so very much. One of my best friends passed away on March 22nd, 2008. Two months before his 18th birthday. He was born with bad lungs, so we all knew his would be a short life. He always told me that if I was too sad or "acted like a stupid b*tch" (in his words) after he died, that he'd never forgive me. He didn't want anyone to be sad that he was gone. His passing was a fact that no one could change, so why be upset about it sort of thinking. I loved him so much, and he definitely helped steer me towards being the woman I am today. Some days, it's all I can do to not cry while thinking about him. Something will happen and I'll catch myself thinking "I gotta tell Mike about this!" Those are the sad days. Then there are happy days where I just smile and think "Mike would have liked this." He was my sarcastic, snarky, hilarious little twit and I loved him. At one point, I was in love with him. But he refused to date me because he respected me too much to deal with having a boyfriend die on me. So we remained very close friends. His one goal in life was to live long enough to fall in love, get married, and maybe even start a family. I always promised him that if he didn't make it, I would do so. In his honor, and for myself. It's what he wanted for all of his friends. He was like a stale twinkie sometimes. Kinda hard on the outside, but if you made it past that, he could be one of the most cream filled smooshy people ever. I'm in a relationship with a man I know I'm going to marry, who was also a friend of his. So he understands why I want to have some small memorial to Mike at our wedding. Something that only we will know about. I felt that same need to withdraw after he passed away. It was a reminder of just how MORTAL we all are. I didn't want to face the fact that even though they're all perfectly healthy, any of my friends could die from any reason at any time. But eventually I realized that all my worrying and fears couldn't stop it. And I was breaking my promise to Mike. So I pulled myself together and held my head up. I was still hurting, I was still mourning, and I still wanted to just curl up and withdraw and spend my days crying. Crying was the only thing I let myself do. I allowed myself to mourn however I wanted to. I've had this post typed up for... quite awhile. I keep thinking about everything I want to say and thinking about Mike. But I don't think I'll ever be able to get out all the words I could say here. All I can say is that I'm so proud of you for making this decision. It's such a hard thing to do, and I say that experience. But I can also tell you that it feels good to do it. It's like... every time I push myself to do something new or a little outside my comfort zone, it makes me feel like I'm doing even MORE living to make up for Mike not being here anymore. He may be physically gone, but it doesn't mean his LIFE is gone. It just spread itself out to influence every person he knew and loved.
That about sums it up. Still catch myself wondering, sometimes . . . What if . . . Well, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed my block o' text, but I'm still glad I didn't go with what was on my mind at the beginning - give a rundown of our 30 year history. That would've been a bit too much, I think. And, yes, I'm just sorry (and I'm sure Richard would be annoyed) that it took me four years to realize it. But, as one of my internet friends pointed out, some people never realize it. Ah, Twinkledust, life's a gamble, I suppose. Some people are going to judge you for your silence as well as for whatever you're fearful of. Best to let them judge you for something you actually do. Lots o' love back. I never really thought of myself as particularly emotional, but that hit me harder than anything I could imagine. I wish no one had to go through that, but it can't be helped. Some of us will. Oh, and let me add that you're one of those people that I'd like to get to know better, because from what little interaction we've had, you seem a very personable and interesting person, even when you're doing your random stuff. Wow. This is - well, Richard died on 25 March 2008. How weird. It was so close to April Fool's day, I spent a whole day wondering if this was his idea of a practical joke, even though in the back of my mind, I couldn't believe he'd pull a joke this much in bad taste. He did some wild ones, though, so a part of me hoped. But, yeah, I too kind of wonder what Richard would've made of my reaction. Probably something like, "We both knew one of us had to die first, and you've got more to live for. So go write those books of yours and dedicate one to me. Cry for a while if you must, but then it's time to move on." PS - Sorry for the huge size of this - wanted to get everyone in.
The Matrix may have went out of Style 10 years ago, but Mr. Anderson shall be missed. I don't neccesarily know what it's like to lose someone particularly close to you, so I can't really connect, but my sympathies and condolences go to you and his family, even if it was a while ago. We all come and we all go, and sometimes we just have to accept that people are gone. There is no turning back from the choices we make, so we have to live with them for the rest of our lives. So we try our best to be better people for the people around us, when we really shouldn't. We should be our own people who thrive to be the best we can be without the influence of others, as rather cynical it is to say. Of course, this doesn't mean that I think people close to us dying is irrelevant; it hurts, I'm sure. But I won't let that stand in the way of who I am or what I will become.
While I can't quite relate as I haven't learned what it's like to lose a close friend, my thoughts and condolences go out to you and his friends and family. You are very right, Birthdays are for having happy fun times, no sadness allowed! Keep happy thoughts and memories close to you as they are more powerful than some may think. It's time to move on, but moving on does not mean forget.
Sorry to hear what has happened but it's great that you're celebrating his life and not mourning for it. Don't forget him or else your time spent will be wasted. I personally haven't had anyone close to me die but I would try to stay happy and remember them as a great person.
Well Happy birthday to Mr.Anderson. It's always rough to lose a friend, but at least you haven't forgot him. I'm sure he is happy that he is remember.
Thank you for all the kind words, everyone, and for everyone that just checked in to read it without commenting. But don't forget - the main point I wanted to make was not for you to feel sorrow for either Richard or I, but that it was you people that first, made me realize I had a problem, and second, are currently helping/have helped drag me back to the regular world of being social. There's not many people I've met in Reno that I actual enjoy being around. Most people here are - well, not into things I'm into, I guess is a nice way of putting it. Here, I have ponies in common with you, at least, and you're all very interesting. If I may slip into "Old Guy Mode" for a moment, I must say, I'm surprised and the level of intelligence, kindness, friendliness, thoughtfulness, insightfulness, and all around decent behavior from everyone here. As you can guess, I'm not around a lot of young people, and the ones I do have to associate with (at work) are usually the kind of people you hope your kids don't know. If I had any kids, I would hope they turned out like any one of you. OK, "Old Guy Mode" off. Let's go play some video games, shall we?
I haven't directly celebrated the lives of loved ones who have passed on in my life. I usually just remember them constantly and try to never forget as a tribute. That's all I need, but I can understand it being different for others. Part of the reason is one died right in front of me and that's imagery you don't want to think about.
