I'm so tired of things going wrong. All the time. I'm tired of this life and dealing with this $#@#. I have to perform a live show in 4 days. 4 days time. Currently, our bass player and one of my best friends is completely ignoring everyone in the band, our drummer can no longer practice, and our singer/rhythm guitar and singer/lead guitar are having a huge fight and no longer talking. I continue to have to play buffer for the last two in their relationships while I just want to yell at them for taking their relationship for granted while I sit at home crying at night over the girl I still love after it has been almost a year. Meanwhile, in this current state of stress and sadness I am less able to help my friends and I feel responsible for all of their sadness. I can't alleviate it. I can't help anyone. I'm still fighting feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness ingrained in me years ago. I also have no idea, as I get deeper into debt with college, how I'm going to possibly move to California in a year since I won't be able to be in school right away I'm going to have to pay these debts on top of just trying to survive. But I can't say no to California because of all the stress already on our band. Now, all these things aren't that bad. They're just life things. #@$# happens. But it's just...it's absurd. I try to think that everything bad that has happened to me has been replaced by something good because I'm no longer in my old situations. But the more I live, the more it seems that the extremes just died out and will continue being replaced by more bad things, one after another. I'm constantly living in pain of my past because I can't let go. I will post everything if someone asks for it. I just feel like life isn't worth living. But I already know I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I've had pills in my hands many times and I just...I can never do it. I'm sorry to dump this on all of you. I'm not being a very good friend right now. I think I just need some support.
Whoa man, calm down. Watch the language. We're all here to help. Just let us know what we can do. We'll help.
I'm sorry about the language. I don't know what you can do. I just...I've tried typing things like four times, and I don't know what to say. I'm just all over the place in my mind. I need life to be worth living.
Hey man, it's okay. There's no need to go blame yourself for people's problems. Expressing yourself is the first track to recovery. Killing yourself will do no good. You may think that nobody will miss you, but that's not true. We will. It may be the internet, but we're still people. We CAN help. Just give us a chance.
I feel like I don't deserve to be missed, even though that's illogical because I think everyone deserves to be missed. But never doubt how much you all mean to me just because there's an Internet connection between us. You all mean very much to me and I love you all.
hey, good friends feel pain too, its not because you need help andd you are telling that t us that you are a bad friend. you are a good guy and deserve all the help, if you want to talk im here, i have problems too but i always want t help a friend, everyone here loves you, you just need to give us a chance...
I don't think he is talking about suicide Saikyo. At least I hope not. Silverpony, I'm not sure if I can say anything meaningful. I wish you the best with sorting out your problems. You have a whole community here that cares about you. Feel free to cry on our shoulders and if shouting out obscenities helps you relieve the tension, do it. I relate to being in debt. I am not going to be able to pay my school fees and will fail my course simply due to being too poor, if I don't find a job soon. Also If not for having such a nice rich friend. I would have been completely without a computer for the last 2 months. No internet, No Video editing, probably would have never discovered ponies. I do have to pay him back for this computer though. At least he is so financially stable he is willing to wait until I get a job, before demanding any money. I guess the point I'm getting to is things could always be worse.
You better not consider suicide. It's not a great feeling. Anyway, we're all here for you. You were here for me, now it's my turn to support you. You're a great friend and I don't want to see you sad.
I love you Sonic. I just feel like a burden. My problems are that I always have problems. Everyone always has problems. It's a fact of life. I just can't get over my previous problems and I'm just hurting all the time and stressed. Any support right now is extremely meaningful, so don't worry on that front. Things can always be worse, you're very right, but it's just been so long since things have gone right. I might take you up on the offer to cry on your shoulders and release tension. I think I'm gonna post my (abridged) life story in my next post. Thank you both for supporting me right now.
Basically, my early childhood is wiped from my mind. I have few memories from before 7 years ago, when things started going downhill. 7 years ago my mom started using heroin again. My stepdad figure moved out and left me alone with her, up until we ran out of money to afford the apartment and we moved to NY with my biological father. Shortly after we got there, my grandfather died and, as a result, my dad caved to my mom's addiction. They both started using heroin all the time, only leaving their room really to take my money and to buy more heroin. It was, naturally, scary for me as the utilities started going out in the house. More-so when my father hid me from Children's Services, and I don't really know why he did other than to keep me a few more weeks to find whereever else I hid my money. It came to a point where out family was stealing to eat and nobody had any money. At this point, they sent me away to live with the aforementioned stepfather figure. I lived with him for a few months and my parents sold our house in NY and used the money to get to me in OH. I, naively, moved back in with them in our apartment. My uncle and his girlfriend moved in too, and from there the fear of physical abuse always existed. I was very lucky. I've never been physically abused in any way. But seeing my uncle get drunk and punch his girlfriend just put me in a place with a ticking time bomb. My parents didn't care, of course. They were too busy arguing all the time and using various drugs. Eventually the money ran out again and they decided the best thing to do was sell all of my possessions. When they realized this wouldn't cover the rent for that much, they used the money to get more drugs and basically lost the apartment and everything in it. Now, this caused me to lose my dog, the one remaining constant in my life. Without my dog and no way to distract myself as all my books and games were sold, I was just constantly living in reality, which was terrible. I moved in with the aforemention stepfather figure again and stayed there until my mother moved in with her daughters father, my half-sister's father. She forced me to move back in with her and threatened legal action if I didn't. So I moved into the basement, which was the only room that I had. I was living with her again and now this other person, we'll call him Greg. Greg is an emotionally abusive dry drunk. He is screaming almost the entire time he is talking. I think he may be physically abusive to my mom, but unlike my uncle, I never saw anything. While this was happening my dad, while not on the road with my uncle now selling stolen goods, would have to stay in this apartment as well, in the basement as well, and sit there with me on drugs almost all the time. This was my situation when the next thing happened. This is either entirely relevant or nonsence, depending on if you've felt the same. I fell in love. The falling in love itself was completely terrible for me. Up until then, I rejected all emotion because it was illogical. I built my life around logic. And then came this feeling I couldn't ignore and couldn't repress. I literally went mad The week following this feeling is not remembered by me at all., I had to change everything I thought I knew about the Universe to accept this feeling. But eventually I did. And I asked her out. And she said no. And I was crushed. Everything was terrible. If I wasn't such a coward, I wouldn't be here today. I held so many pills in my hands so many times. But I could never get myself to do it because of my fear. NOTE: Right now that fear still exists and I don't think I'm going to do it. It just seems bad is always replaced by bad.
Silver. "Look" at me. You've had a rough time to say the VERY least. Your parents were addicted to heroin, and they didn't give a **** about you. Now look at me. I was raped by my mother so many times before I ran away. Then when I went to my dad and he didn't care about me. I'm pretty sure you read the "My Messed Up Childhood with Alchoholism" thread. Don't give up. Look at me now. I've grown strong. I've used other's mistakes to make me stronger in the end. I implore, no, beg you to do the same. You are not a coward. You are a person. Don't give up. Giving up will not make things any easier in life, or death. Please, Silver. You've got to try. Don't allow yourself to descend deeper into your own self-pity. That will lead... I don't even want to think where that will lead. If you have to, go to the police. Get yourself, your father, your mother, and your uncle help. Even if it means being in trouble with the law, ANYTHING is better than giving up in life. There is always a chance to start over.
I'm trying to start over. I'm trying so hard. I got myself out of that situation. I've gotten away from it. I grew strong, but I still feel weak. I feel hurt. And I feel like things will always be bad. I'll make you all a promise, though. I will NOT take my own life. I just...want things to go right for a change. Just something to work out. Something to fall into place. I want to be given a break, a chance to recuperate. I'm trying so hard to start over, my friend. But I feel like I can't escape the past.
I didn't mean to ignore you. I'm trying to respond to everyone. I wasn't there for you enough. It's my current state that didn't allow me to be there as completely as I would've liked. I'm just hoping you're feeling better. Thank you for your support. Really, just all of you responding is helping me calm down. People reading what I have to say. I'm just hurt and afraid and confused, I think. Thank you all for the support you're giving me.
, that's terrible Silver. The fact that you have survived all that makes you a stronger man then I could ever be. You should be congratulated for getting through all that.
i cant say that i know exactly how you are feeling because ii never had those experiences, but i know the feeling that life dont worth, believe me i alread tryied to get rid of my life two times. you are not a coward for doing it, you are brave for not giving up on your life, things are bad, but even if you cant see there is a bright side on the end of the tunel, and we will hold your hands until you can follow that light. *hugs tight*
I'm sorry to hear that your parents used drugs, and that you've tried suicide.... But suicide isn't the answer... I'll admit not having as painful a life so far, but I think I still can say I know what I'm saying.. Why not talk about this with the other band members, and try to get them to make up with each other? Admittedly I have no advice financially.... I hope for you, the best of luck though... I'm sure things will become better for you, eventually.
I wish there was something I could do to help, unfortunately all I can really do is say hang in there. There's always a bright side to the darkness, after everything you've been through I'm sure it's all uphill from here, you just can't give up when thing's start getting tough. Just stay strong and keep on pushing =)
This might sound a bit cheesy, but it's what I honestly think. You are not a coward, you're just holding on to hope. Even if it feels like no hope is left at all, there's always a nagging thought, and sometimes fear, that perhaps it does get better. If you were a coward, you wouldn't have had the courage to tell us about all of this. If you were a coward, you wouldn't have had the courage to ask out that girl. If you were a coward, you wouldn't have chosen life over death. I don't mean to say that suicide is cowardly, I mean that the fact that you've repeatedly chosen to keep trying shows a lot of courage. You've gone through a lot of pain, but you're still here, and that's what matters. The past can't be changed, but it can be learned from. I have a couple of stories. I'm not telling them for personal gain, I just think they might be helpful, as they show that things really do get better, even if you don't expect them to. For 5 years I was absolutely crazy about a girl. Even after being rejected twice, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I dedicated myself to doing everything I could to make her happy. Bringing her coffee and a movie when she was upset, providing support after break ups, writing songs I thought would impress her. She valued my friendship, but didn't love me back. Time went on though, and I grew less dependent on her. A couple years ago, the thought of getting over her and moving on seemed both impossible and depressing, but now that I have gotten over her, I've realized it just took time, and am happier now. As for dysfunctional friendships, I can definitely relate. A year ago, nearly all of my closest friends and I were angry at each other. One of them refused to be even remotely associated with any of us except for me, which made my other friends resentful towards me. A few of them also started getting into drugs, which at first I didn't really have a problem with, as that was their choice, but then they began almost completely ignoring the couple of us who didn't do drugs, and started acting like they were more intelligent and mature than us. However, things are resolving now. It seems we just needed a little time to get some space, and realize that we're the only real friends we have, so we're a lot more forgiving of each other, and get along better than before. I don't know if any of that was actually helpful/relatable, but I hope it was. If you ever need help don't hesitate to send me a message, I'll do my best to help.
First things first let me just address that suicide issue. Suicide is the wrong thing to do. It won't solve anything. From a blotched and confused perspective, it can seem like the easy way out, to end everything. The fact is, it doesn't. It doesn't end anything other than all the happiness and hope you had of solving your issues. Death comes too quickly naturally, bringing it closer does no good. Any chance you have of bettering your life and improving the way you feel involves staying very much alive. However, life is clearly hard for you right now. I could sit here in my comfy chair and tell you how much we all love you until I'm blue in the face, it doesn't improve anything in your life. I can however remind you of this: There is nothing in your life that you are not capable of overcoming. You, yes you, are a strong individual and nothing is beyond you. You've been through a lot, enough to break most people. But have you been broken? Does a broken man admit this sort of stuff on a pony forum? No, you have pulled through this far, and you can pull through further. It's not a case of me believing in you, it's a case of me knowing you're strong by what you've told me. So don't ever feel you're not worth anything. Look at yourself, and remind yourself of who you are, what you've been through and what you've put up with. Now ask yourself what other people would be like in your situation. I assure you, they would be much worse off. You have been through some real *squee!*e, that's undeniable, but, and hear me out, this is a good thing. You see, where you've been through so much, you have a hell of a lot of experience to take away from this. It may seem like a bad past you just want to forget, but honestly, you should reflect upon it. How did I pull through? What did I do right? Where did it get me? Think about these things, realise how freaking awesome you are, then give yourself a big fat pat on the back. Now, once you're done looking at the past, think about your future. If you're able to over come all the problems thrown at you so far, you can deal with the ones ahead of you. You overcame all those hardships from nothing, now you have a whole heap of experience to help you. Just remember that. No, it's not easy to sort these things out, but what is easy? Either way, you can do it. This is a fact.
Now I'M depressed! I feel so sorry for you... just - please - don't even try to work up that courage - please!!
