I just feel useless...

I've spent 29 years of my life trying to make people happy and laugh, which to some extent I have accomplished. But when it comes to myself, i'm never as happy as you guys might be. My channel is the only thing I've got that has any significance to me, and yet my life just feels as if its going nowhere fast. Put me in a situation where I have to confront someone, and I end up screwing it up big time. If you look at it now, i'm just shut away in my room, only coming out if I feel I have to or am forced to.

I can't motivate myself to go out anymore, my best friend left me for better things. I learned to practice smiling when I'm feeling sad, ya know? I don't want to worry my mother who is 75 years old now, and can't even do much to help herself; i'm stuck doing most of it. Don't get me wrong, I feel better helping her, but with her getting worse by the day, it makes me sad to know she won't be around much longer. She's the only one who truly understands how I feel.

Its painful to try and talk with her, as she can barely hear me at all anymore. It used to be fun being around her all the time, now it seems we never speak to each other anymore. I want to be able to go back to those days when we were both happy, laughing, and going out to different places. Now I just don't say anything unless it really needed to be said. When she passes, i'll be all alone then; left with no purpose in my life.

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All it seems i'm good for now is just nothing, left to wonder how I'm going to cope with her being gone. I failed in my own life, I just see nothing that I've done to make up for it. I can't live on my own, much less hold a job for more than three days.

I just feel useless...