Let's Tear Apart: "My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing" Part 1

...

...what am I supposed to say? I have nothing. Absolutely bugger all.

I thought Sonichu was bad... and it is... but it PALES in comparison to the absolute horror that awaits us today. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies, gentlecolts, what-have-you; it is my unfortunate duty to present to you... My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing.

Imagine, for a moment, the result of taking G3 of MLP and injecting it with elements of the worst seasons of Power Rangers... now imagine that it was being written by an emotionally unstable, unemployed mental case who takes Digimon and Teen Titans way too seriously, and takes offense to the mere EXISTENCE of MLP:FiM. THAT is what we have in store today.

But it's not enough for me to review it. Oh, no... no review I could make could do this thing justice. It must be seen to be believed. Therefore, you people are going to suffer with me... Mystery Science Theater 3000/Atop the Fourth Wall style.

So grab a beer, joint, or whatever mind-altering substances you have on hand, because by God, you'll need them. To quote the God-Emperor of Mankind himself, "I ᴄᴀɴ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀ ʀᴏʟʟᴇʀ-ᴄᴏᴀsᴛᴇʀ ʀɪᴅᴇ ᴏғ ᴅɪsᴀᴘᴘᴏɪɴᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ."

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(Note: Original story in italics, my comments in normal type)

Author's notes:

Get used to these, folks. Our subject, Dakari-King Mykan (yes, that really is what he calls himself), is in full emokid mode about the whole pony thing.

FIM is a BIG MISTAKE to me...

Not as big a mistake as this fic.

its horrible…

Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

so I guess an alternate universe is in order!

No mate... it really isn't.

PROLOGUE/INTRO

(Deep voice…)

"Before time began... there was... the cube."

Far off in a distant dimension

"...a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. It is as vast as space, and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition; and it lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call... the Twilight Zone."

is the magical kingdom of Unicornicopia—

*groan* At least Faust was kinda trying with the horse puns.

home to many winged unicorns of different sizes and colors.

So, alicorns then.

All were under the watchful eye of their grand ruler;

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU

the legendary tri-horned alicorn, and he was known as that because, unlike any other unicorn, he had three horns instead of one. All, of which, were golden.

No *squee!* Sherlock.

It was the grand ruler's solemn duty to protect his kingdom, maintain the balances of all nature, and look after the young unicorns.

Essentially, he's a bootleg Celestia. (Note: You'll notice that there's a lot of plagiarism in this fic, whether it's from FiM or somewhere else. The author also claims to have not watched a single MLP episode in his life... at least early on. We'll come to that eventually.)

Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life,

because they were lazy as hell.

for they knew that the real magic came from the magic of believing!

...so they're Christian fundamentalists now, too?

But then, evil forces to attack the kingdom,

Could you say that again in English, please?

led by a powerful and evil sorcerer from another dimension who sought to obtain all the magic he could find, and rule all worlds and all dimensions with darkness and chaos.

This guy managed to rip off Tirek before Tirek even existed in the FiM canon. Very impressive, indeed.

The unicorns tried to reason with him but the sorcerer merely scoffed at their friendly ways, and talk of believing,

Unicornicopians: Excuse me sir, do you have time to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ the Grand Ruler?

and unleashed his dark magic,

and was promptly arrested for indecent exposure.

threatening the entire kingdom with chaos and destruction.

The unicorns band together,

Your tense swaps have triggered my inner grammar Nazi.

but proved to be no match for the magic that threatened their world,

and then they all died. THE END... I wish.

but when all hope seemed lost, The Grand Ruler leapt into action to defend his kingdom and subjects, and using the power of his golden horn,

Oh, so he has ONE horn now? Make up your damn mind, Mykan!

he unleashed the mighty magic of the uniforce…!

Not as mighty as the Triforce, of course; which was three times as powerful and didn't suck.

The sorcerer was overpowered and conquered!

Despite calls for his death, The Grand Ruler,

unfortunately, survived.

whom many feared too kind, merely banished the fallen sorcerer to the Dimension of Darkness as fitting punishment for his treachery.

Ah yes, the "Sealed Evil in a Can" punishment. So unique and original, haven't seen that before!

The sorcerer vowed to one day return to finish what started, and all that existed would belong to him.

They had no chance to survive make their time.

In time, the events and the threat were forgotten,

Personally, I WANT to forget them.

and peace returned to Unicornicopia where the unicorns continued to live their lives through the magic of believing.

…

A small white unicorn, with a brown short mane, and a marking "AO0C" on his chest armor

Because why have unique symbols that show what a character's talents are when you can have boring old serial numbers? Also, they have power armor, apparently. Please don't tell me he ripped off Warhammer 40K as well.

finished the story. His companion, a small fairy with long blonde hair, and wearing a pink skirt felt puzzled.

...I'm not going to waste a perfectly good Denzel Crocker reference on this fic. I have standards, dammit.

"So it really does exist, Lightning…?" she asked.

"It sure does, Krysta."

I'm sad that I know that the fairy is taken from FernGully: The Last Rainforest.

responded Lightning

McQueen.

"But I don't know why The Grand Ruler told me to come here, or why he wants me to be his apprentice. He knows I can't do magic just like other unicorns."

It was true! Though Lightning Dawn was indeed a unicorn, for some reason he just couldn't seem to perform magic like any other could. The only thing unusual about him was he had a golden horn, but he still didn't understand.

Dakari-King Mykan presents: The Horse with the Golden Horn

Still, he and Krysta had only just arrived in Unicornicopia the other day, and had just settled into Lightning's new tower-house, in a part of the Kingdom called White Village,

which was oddly enough a white supremacist town.

and he was instructed by his master, The Grand Ruler…

"Once you arrive, you should go out and meet your newfound future friends and comrades. They have already been told of your coming and are anxious to meet you,

Ew, gross. They don't need to know about Lightning's "coming."

and may very well help you, but no matter where you go, Lightning, and no matter what you do…

I will always be watching. ALWAYS. Even when you sleep.

always remember to believe."

Lightning could hardly understand what all this "Believing" was supposed to mean either.

That makes two of us.

"Well we won't know just sitting around here." said Krsyta.

Lightning: Wait, who are you? And have you seen Krysta?

"We should get going."

Lightning smiled and agreed, and as he spread his wings for takeoff, "Hey, Krsyta…? Thanks, you know… for always hanging with me and stuff."

The little fairy smiled and pecked Lightning on the cheek.

Fun fact: Krysta is part chicken.

"Lightning, if anyone should be thankful, it's me." She meant that, for a very good reason, but now was not the time to be thinking of that as Krysta sat on Lightning's head and Lightning took off over the lands of his new home.

(Note: The original story had a theme song {Yes, really. Mykan is actually writing this like a Saturday morning cartoon}, which has been omitted for your mental safety. I'm not that cruel.)

Author's notes:

I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!

I'd like to see you try and make me.

Things are going to be different around here.

Understatement of the century.

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THE RETURN OF EVIL: Part 1

There were many different places in Unicornicopia; most were named after their colors.

And we can add Pokémon to the list of things Mykan has ripped off.

Bluesville… Greenland…

The latter of which is actually very icy.

Orange-Range… but the central and largest area was called Rainbow City Central, where most Unicorns went to have fun, or do their duties.

Turns out putting all the bathrooms in Unicornicopia in one city was a bad idea.

Lightning could see them all down below, the anthropomorphic unicorns

Oh great, now he's dragging the furries into this. As if they haven't got a bad enough reputation.

having fun, going to work, or some just flying around.

"I should find someplace to land." said Lightning "Not around here. It's too crowded." said Krysta. With that, they both decided to fly around and look for someplace soft. There was a nice vacant area near a large garden with vegetables and beautiful flowers and plants. The perfect place to land…!

"Wow!" exclaimed Lightning as he gazed at the lovely flowers. "Double wow!" added Krysta

...too easy.

as she hovered around sniffing the many sensational smells. "Mmm…!" But then her nose began to twitch, "Ah… Ah… Ah-Ah…!"

♪Stayin' alive, stayin' alive...♪

"Krysta…?" cried Lightning "Krysta, No!" but Krysta had already sneezed "AH-CHOO…!" and even though she was just a little fairy, that single sneeze caused the flower she sniffed to keel over and lose all its petals. "Oh! Oh my!" cried Krysta.

Krysta: Seasonal allergies... my one true weakness!

That's when a red unicorn came dashing over. "Oh, no…! Not again?" he groaned as he gently began to scoop the fallen flower into a pot. Krysta apologized but the red unicorn said it wasn't her fault. "They always keel over when they make someone sneeze. I can fix it, no problem. There's no finer gardener than me."

Lightning was amazed. "You mean, you grew all this?" he asked.

The other unicorn nodded. "My name's Buddy Rose. Code-Number: FT5H. I'm the caretaker of the community garden. I can handle any flower, tree, weed-

Lightning: Did you say "weed?!"
Buddy: Hell yeah, dude! 420 blaze it!
*they high-five*

anything that grows." and in no time at all, the flower Krysta had ruined was standing upright again, and Buddy didn't seem to use any form of magic but rather ordinary gardening.

"Hmm!" remarked Lightning. "That's amazing. Oh by the way… I'm…"

"Lightning Dawn…? I know." said Buddy. "The Grand Ruler told everyone to expect you."

Buddy: Let's hope you... measure up. *ba dmm tss*

"Uh… yeah… he did." said Lightning.

Buddy hated to dash off but he had a few other vegetables to take care of. "Oh I'm sorry to impose, but could you do me a really big favor?" he asked while giving Lightning a small basket of vegetables. "Ugh…!"

"Could you take these to the Rainbow Dish Inn,

Coincidence? I think NOT!

when you go through town? Please?" and before Lightning could answer, Buddy had gone off, "Thank you!" he called back.

"Perfect!" Lightning scoffed.

"Well… that went well." joked Krysta.

…

It was a good thing that Unicornicopians were anthropomorphic, meaning Lightning could just stand upright and walk on his hind legs while using his front legs like arms to carry the basket.

"Gee, I sure am thankful I can walk on two legs," said no one ever.

"Oh! This is heavy…!" he groaned.

Krysta wished she could help. Though she was small, some of her fairy magic allowed her to lift objects hundreds of times her own weight, but the basket was much too big and heavy for her. "Why don't you sit and rest?" she suggested. "Good idea!" Lightning panted and slumped down on a bench, almost dropping the basket. "Oh! My poor hooves..!"

Really? A small basket of vegetables is heavy? God, Lightning's a wimp. I could lift a small basket with one hand!

It was times like this Lightning hated the fact he couldn't do magic.

Suddenly he heard someone say, "Excuse me…?" The voice belonged to an orange unicorn, wearing a red artist's hat, just up ahead who was painting on a canvas. "…you kind of walked into the way of the scenery."

"Ugh!" groaned Lightning, but then the other unicorn caught the sight of Krysta. "Is that a…fairy?" His eyes lit up like the sun.

The unicorn slowly raised a knife and fork as he licked his lips.

"Hold still, please!" he said with excitement. Krysta felt confused, but did as she was told, and in almost no time the artist showed her and Lightning his painting. "I shall call it… Fairy in the park."

Krysta thought it was incredible. It looked so real and she seemed so beautiful in the picture, much to Lighting's dismay that "I notice I'm not in there." he said to himself.

A wimp AND a narcissist. We haven't gotten to the villains yet, and ALREADY I'm rooting for them. That's a bad sign, in case you haven't noticed.

The unicorn introduced himself as Artie. Code-number: HV7J. He loved to pain,

Masochist. Got it.

draw, and sculpt. "You should come to my art gallery sometime, both of you."

I'm scared to know what's on display at that gallery.

Krysta's eyes lit up, "We'd love to." She said.

"Yes… but we have an errand to." Lightning quickly said

English, dude... English.

as he scooped Krysta in his right wing. "Let's go, Krysta!" and he ran off with the basket of vegetables, much to Artie's confusion, but he couldn't wait to tell all his viewers that he had just seen and painted a real-live fairy.

Artie would later be sectioned and thrown in an asylum.

Krysta thought that was rude of Lightning. But Lightning thought Artie was a little too eccentric,

What constitutes "eccentric" in your mind, Mykan?

especially how the way he acted as if he had never seen a fairy before, but that was pretty much the case as Krysta was the only fairy in the entire dimension,

In other words, how any normal individual would react.

but that wasn't important now.

Ugh... adding Airplane! to the list of things ripped off.

Right now they were exiting the park and could see the city up ahead, but what Lightning couldn't see, as the basket was blocking his view, was a yellow unicorn right out in front of him.

CRASH!

Bandicoot?

The vegetables were everywhere. Lightning felt the whole world spinning. "What hit me?" he groaned.

He got up and the yellow unicorn apologized.

(WARNING: THE NEXT CHARACTER TO BE INTRODUCED MAY BE CONSIDERED WORSE THAN JAR JAR BINKS, SCRAPPY-DOO, AND ADOLF HITLER COMBINED. IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT, THERE IS STILL TIME TO STOP READING. WE WON'T BLAME YOU. EVERYONE ELSE, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.)

"I'm very sorry to have knocked you down.

I was in hurry to get into town."

See? I warned you. Again, if you want to turn back, you still can.

Lightning apologized too, as she should have watched where he was going.

You're telling me.

He and Krysta, along with the other unicorn picked up the vegetables and putting them back in the basket…

"I'll help you as part of my task." said the unicorn "Say! Are you Lightning Dawn, may I ask?"

"Uh… yes… I am…." answered Lightning "And this is Krysta."

"Um… do you always speak like that?" asked Krysta.

Krysta, you don't just ask people that kind of question. That's very rude.

The unicorn chuckled…

"If you mean if I always speak in rhyme…

The answer is yes… all the time."

"My name is XL7Z.

But if you wish, you may call me Rhymey.

I love to speak in Rhyme, you see.

…as well as writing odes and poetry…"

Rhymey, you need to shut up, because really,

I hated you when you were still called Wheelie.

"I was on my way to a rendezvous…

…when I accidently ran into you

I hope that in future we can chat,

But if you'll excuse me, I must scat."

*vomits* Someone pass the brain bleach... please.

Then he flew off leaving a much confused but amazed Krysta and Lightning. "Wow! He sure loves to rhyme." said Krysta. "And to think we'll that when we meet him next time." added Lightning. Then he and Krysta realized they both just made a rhyme, and they were both not amused.

As were the readers. Also, try that last sentence in English, Lightning. I don't speak bad fic.

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I think we'll stop here for now to give ourselves some time to recover. Expect Part 2... eventually. I don't really have a schedule for these things. Sorry.

@Tyro D. Fox *bork*