Morphin at the Movies: Transformers (2007)

The year is 2007. The movie that caught the public imagination the most was Transformers, based upon the action figures from Hasbro. Why? Let's find out.

Our story begins with an opening narration from Optimus Prime, voiced by Peter Cullen. It explains the basics of the story: the AllSpark, the source of all life on the now war-torn Cybertron, has crash landed on Earth after being lost for millennia.

Cut to Qatar, a real country that does exist (Google it), as we see some soldiers in a plane. One of them is waiting to see his baby daughter for the first time--WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?!? This is a Transformers movie, right? Or did I just walk into Saving Private Ryan?!

Suddenly, a helicopter is picked up by the military, who send escort jets to intercept. Apparently, its ID number matches that of a chopper shot down over Afganistan three months prior.

The helicopter lands, the military accosts it, and... wait, what the hell?

Huh. Guess this really is a Transformers movie.
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One thing I have to mention is that the CG is incredible for 2007. It almost looks real. Almost.

So the base is attacked by Blackout and the military is sent scrambling after Blackout attempts to hack the database.

Cut to some high school in the middle of--wait, high school?

OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!
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Here we meet Sam Witwicky, played by Shia No-I'm-Not-Really-A-Cannibal LaBeouf, who is currently DOING a geneology presentation. It has to do with his great-grandfather Archibald, who apparently explored the Arctic Circle in the 1800s.

He's also trying to get his first car, but his teacher won't give him the grade he needs. Not content with letting his dreams be dreams, he convinces him to give him the grade he needs.

Sam and his dad stop by a car salesman played by the late Bernie Mac, who sells him an old yellow Camaro after it wipes out the entire lot.

While the government attempts to discover who's responsible for the attack on Qatar, Sam attempts to sell Archibald's glasses on eBay, and tries to impress a girl from school named Mikaela, played by Megan Fox.

Eventually, Sam's car drives off by itself, as another Transformer hacks Air Force One, and finds Sam's glasses on eBay. Turns out they're a map to the AllSpark and the Decepticons want it.

So Sam is attacked and interrogated as to the whereabouts of the glasses, when his car becomes Bumblebee and saves Sam. Bumblebee then changes his disguise to a more recent Camaro.

Meteors fall to Earth, containing Transformers inside, who take the forms of various vehicles. One in particular takes the form of a blue semi with red flames.

Bumblebee drops Sam and Mikaela off in an alley, where the other Autobots approach them.

As Optimus Prime transforms along with the other Autobots, Sam quips that they may be Japanese.

Well, he's not wrong.
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The Autobots introduce themselves; Jazz, who is a black guy and Optimus's second-in-command, kicks back, while Ironhide, the weaponry expert, jokes about using his weapons. Ratchet, the medic, "detects" Sam's pheremones and says Sam wants to... to... get in Mikaela's pants.

"I've heard of Kiss Players, but this is ridiculous."
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To top off the iceberg, Optimus reveals that they learned English via the Internet. Why, then, is he not dropping F-bombs and calling Sam a n00b? I mean, this is 2007, right? I digress, I'm thinking too much.

Oh, and Bumblebee talks via radio.

Mikaela asks why the Autobots are here on Earth, and then--HOLY CRAP, OPTIMUS'S EYES ARE HOLOGRAMS!!

Sam and Mikaela learn that Archibald Witwicky actually found Megatron, voiced by Hugo Weaving, frozen in ice. Megatron was looking for the AllSpark, but he crashed. Archibald made the mistake of turning him on, blinding him (and imprinting the AllSpark's location in his glasses) in the process. Megatron plans to turn all the machines on Earth into his army if he finds the AllSpark, using them to wipe out mankind.

So, Terminator 3 with aliens. Got it.

Sam looks for the glasses, while everyone else hides. His cover is nearly blown by his parents, but fortunately, they're stupid. But the feds show up, and they capture Sam. The Autobots show up and bail out Sam, and then... and then... and then Bumblebee pees on... John Tuturro's character...

Seriously, WTF?!
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The feds attempt to follow them after they make a break for it, but they corner Sam and the group. Eventually, they are taken away.

Sam and Mikaela run into an NSA operative, the soldier from earlier and a hacker upon arrival at the Hoover Dam, where Megatron and the AllSpark are being housed.

However, it appears they are too late, the other Decepticons are alerted, to the location of the AllSpark. Megatron is reactivated, but hey, at least Bumblebee's OK.

So everyone gets the hell outta there, along with the AllSpark, as the Decepticons try to follow them.

A fight ensues, as the government calls in an airstrike.

Also, Jazz dies.

Then we get a fight between Optimus and Megatron, full of the banter you'd expect from Transformers, while Sam attempts to get the AllSpark to safety.

Ultimately, Sam unwittingly destroys Megatron with the AllSpark, and he saves the world.

And so ends Transformers. How was it? Lio, please forgive me when I say that it wasn't that bad. Sure, it had its low points, but for a blockbuster from 2007, it's not terrible. Thoughts, girls?

Twilight: Objectively speaking, the movie is not too well written, but the cinematography, score, and special effects are near perfect. It may just be a matter of taste.

Rarity: *vomiting* Sorry, I can't get the image of robo-pee out of my head...

Applejack: Ya sure this was a Transformers movie? It focused on people a bit too much, ah'd say.

Rainbow Dash: OH MY GOSH, THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! So... awesome...

Pinkie: Pass the popcorn, please, I want an encore!

Fluttershy: HASBRO, DON'T YOU DARE LET MICHAEL BAY GET HIS HANDS ON US!!

FINAL VERDICT:
7⅜/10
"Guilty pleasures: everyone has one." -IGN
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@Tyro The Fox Kept you waiting, huh?