Morphin Reviews: AKIRA (1994, Commodore Amiga/Amiga CD32)

British users will probably be more familiar with the Commodore Amiga than most of us damn Yankees will be, due to the thing selling like hot cakes across the pond, whereas here it was utterly curbstomped by the IBM PC juggernaut.

ALL HAIL THE OVERLORD. ALL HAIL THE OVERLORD.​

But honestly, I'll be glad to educate my gun-toting, hamburger-eating brethren as to just what the hell an Amiga even is, so that way this review can be understood by more than just those who actually probably owned one back in the day.

You see, the Commodore Amiga was a home computer released in 1985, and while it was considered a rich man's toy here due to how ahead of its time (and therefore, expensive) it was, in the UK, it sold better than tickets to a Beatles concert.

It looks like this. Well, one of the models, anyway.​

Now with that out of the way, let's discuss the 1988 cult classic anime film, AKIRA.

Which, incidentally, predicted the 2020 Olympics.​

Since I have unfortunately not seen the film in question, all I know about it is that it's set in the at-the-time-of-release future year of 2019, in a post-WWIII Tokyo, and it's about some gang wars and government operations. Hopefully, I have that about right.

So what happens when you combine the two? Well...

I had heard the resulting game was bad, like, "worse than E.T." bad, but I had guessed that this was just an exaggeration.

Hope you like this level, guys. That's all you'll see without cheating.​

I was wrong. MOTHER OF GOD, I WAS SO WRONG.

THE FIRST FREAKING LEVEL... Where do I start? The bike is too damn slow, you'll hit enemies more often than not, and good luck trying to clear gaps with these horrendously muddy controls and hit detection. You have to line up exactly to jump over the ramps and clear the gaps in the highway.

Thankfully, for those of you insane enough to want to see the other levels, hopefully with access to Amiga games and the Internet in that cozy, padded cell of yours, there is a password system and the passwords can easily be found online.

However, the later levels ARE EVEN WORSE. There are platforming sections, and they control FAR WORSE than the initial bike level. You will never jump properly enough to clear platforms unless you are lucky and all the planets align. Oh, and guess what?! It gets better! One of them is a sewer level!

After 4 platforming levels, there's probably two of the worst shoot-em-up levels in existence, with controls that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemies, followed by a final platforming section/final boss. Without giving too much away, it's fitting that this flowering cornucopia of unmitigated digital abortion ends with what has to be the worst thing ever.

So, what do I think of this game? Well, let me make it clear that there is no hyperbole in me saying that not only is this the worst game I have ever played, but possibly the worst game ever, period. Yes, even worse than the game you're thinking of. Nothing about this game is enjoyable. The graphics, for 1994, are barely worthy of a Sega Genesis launch title, and the gameplay is utterly atrocious. While I haven't seen the film, so I can't say for sure, I'm almost certain the developers screwed that up, too.

Now, normally, this is where I'd bring in the Mane Six to give their thoughts, but here, is it really necessary? I've said all that needs to be said, and this travesty is unworthy of such redundant wish fulfillment.

Oh, and one final bit of trivia, around the same time, THQ was planning to release a separate AKIRA game for the SNES, Genesis, Game Boy, Game Gear, and Sega CD, but for some reason, it was cancelled, and this piece of dreck was the only AKIRA game released in the West for quite some time. Needless to say, the unreleased console game must have been MILES BETTER.

I will not dignify this abomination with a rating, because to be quite honest, no concept conceivable to humans could summarize the utter incompetence and frustration that is this game.

@Tyro D. Fox please end my pain