Morphin Reviews: Mario is Missing! (NES)

God, it's been a while since I've done one of these... I know, let's fix that!

So, Luigi... cowardly second fiddle to Mario and Italian/Italian-Brooklynese (depending on if you accept the games or cartoons as his canon backstory) plumber.

He's almost like Fluttershy, except human. And Italian. And a plumber.
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And while the critically acclaimed Luigi's Mansion for the GameCube is his first good outing as the main player character in a vidya gaem, it wasn't the first time. Oh, nooooo...

Look upon it and know hell. (North American boxart pictured)
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Today we'll be looking at Mario is Missing! for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Now, since I don't have an NES, I am forced to emulate this puppy. Sorry, purists, but that's the way it's gonna have to be.

Also, the ROM I will be using for this is a bootleg multicart called Mario 7-in-1, which not only has Mario is Missing, but also Super Mario Bros. 3 and, well...

Spoiler: WARNING: Strong language in the commentary

...yeaaaaaah...

Let's begin.

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First off, I must say, I'm impressed with how the developers managed to translate the look of Super Mario World to the NES. It's really, really well done. Music's not too bad, either.

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So we start off with a recreation of the castles in SMW, complete with a not-too-shabby NES version of the Castle theme. Presentation is great for an NES port of a DOS game from 1992.

Controls are fine. Just what you'd expect from a Mario game.

So we go through the first door, go down the pipe on the left and then...

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Wait, what?

I know the Mario Bros. are supposed to be from Italy or Brooklyn or whatever, but are we really playing a Mario game set on freaking EARTH?!? AND NOT THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM?!?!

NOOO!!! NOOOOOO!!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!! DOESNOTCOMPUJASDJGFAODS
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Also, what's with the landmark stuff? Should this game be called Super Mario Bros.: Independence Day?

Dear pesky plumbers, the Koopalings and I have taken over the Earth. The President of the United States is now a permanent guest at one of my seven Koopa Hotels. I dare you to find him if you can!
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So, you jump on a Koopa, and he drops a bag of money.

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I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now.

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So, from the looks of things, I'm in Rome.

After a bit of looking around, I finally figure out that I'm supposed to go to the Colosseum and return the spear. But first...

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The hell? I want to play a game, not take a history test!

Wait...

Oh crap... this is an educational game. SH*yay*.

So I answer the question, I return the spear, and I'm on my way.

As in, I'm on my way AWAY FROM THE GAME!!

Honestly, I feel cheated. The presentation and controls were nice, but everything else is just learning crap. I don't turn on an NES and expect to learn things. That's what the Apple II is for.

Good night, sweet prince...
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So yes, it's pretty obvious I don't like it. But now let's hear from the ponies:

Starlight: *eye twitch* You can't be serious. Mario wasn't meant to teach things. Unless it's typing. And he's a floating head popping corny jokes.

Twilight: Mario is Missing! is far better aesthetically than it has any right to be, but it doesn't excuse the confusing layout and the thinly-veiled educational factor, which don't belong in a Mario game.

Rarity: Whose idea was this? Even though it looked alright, the NES just wasn't equipped to display a map of the Earth accurately without some distortion. Not to mention the gameplay... ugh...

Applejack: Eenope. *trots out of room, making a gesture I assume to be the Equestrian equivalent of the double finger behind her* So much nope...

Rainbow Dash was so angry she threw my USB controller into my monitor. Luckily, she missed. She couldn't be bothered to comment.

Pinkie Pie had fallen asleep in the desk chair from boredom. She is still asleep as I type this, but I moved her to the couch in the living room.

Fluttershy: *sad sigh* I'll just go play Luigi's Mansion. It may be scary, but at least it's not trying to teach me things.

FINAL RATING: NO/10
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@Tyro The Fox So, when you gonna make the next community post?