Morphin Reviews: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope you guys have been sa-
Oh, right. Halloween was last month. Nonetheless, I have something truly terrifying for you people: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. So without further ado, let's begin.
After a title sequence ripped almost wholesale from the first film, we pick up where it left off: with our heroes (60% of whom had been recast) celebrating their victory in the Mortal Kombat tournament. But dark forces have decided to crash the party, as the skies darken and weirdos begin falling out of thin air.
And the chief weirdo is Shao Kahn, final boss of the second and third games, played by a cheap Vin Diesel look-alike. I don't think I needed the leader of Outworld to be a white guy, thanks.
He announces his presence by referencing the Bible, presumably because the producers were jealous of Raul Julia's performance in Street Fighter. Afterwards, we meet Princess Kitana (played by Talisha Soto)'s mother, Sindel, played by-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Seriously?! There's practically NO age difference between the two actresses, and the makeup department hasn't even attempted to hide that!
*deep breath* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Anyway, after that violation of biology, we have ourselves a fight scene with terrible special effects, in which Kahn snaps the neck of Johnny Cage. Oh, real nice, they replace 3/5 of the leads and one of them bites it less then 10 minutes in. Real class act.
Our heroes flee into the nearby Shaolin Temple, where Raiden spouts a jumble of exposition at everyone else, something about Sindel holding portals open, honestly, I don't know and I don't care.
Everyone climbs into the worlds most awkward hamster ball, which apparently "move so fast it's as if they're not moving," whatever the hell that means.
After they arrive at their destinations, our heroes look for help in defeating their newest foes. What follows for almost the remainder of the film is alternating between fight scenes and exposition dumps, and also Sub-Zero's brother is hanging out. And Scorpion got ressurected between movies somehow (and kidnaps Kitana). Yes, in the games, he made some kind of Faustian pact in Outworld but the film doesn't tell us this.
But yes, about 90% of the film is filler, mostly to justify the Mortal Kombat name.
Once the plot finally continues, our heroes arrive in Outworld, with MOAR FIGHTING ENSUING. As Sindel is defeated off-screen, however, the worlds begin to merge, followed by more fights and exposition, and Sindel survived because they were tricked by some chick named Jade.
Apparently, Kahn and Raiden are also literally bros.
So now our heroes (by which I mean Liu Kang, played by Robin Shou) must defeat and kill Kahn, which they (he) do because of course they (he) do. Movie over.
See how short this review is? That's because this movie couldn't hold my attention. And considering it's an action movie based on a fighting game, there's no excuse why this abortion was screened in theaters.
Everything this film does is wrong. The writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the pacing is wrong, the dialogue is wrong, the camera work is wrong, the effects are wrong, the characters are wrong, the acting is wrong, the fights are wrong, the soundtrack (minus the re-used opening from the first film) is wrong, the editing is wrong, the 1997 release date is wrong (between this and Batman and Robin, 1997 was a bad year for cinema), the budget is wrong, the studio execs are wrong, everything is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrongwrongwrongwrongWRONGWRONGWRONGWRONGWR--
Normally, I would consult the ponies for their thoughts, but luckily for them, they're busy settling a trade dispute in Neighgeria.
FINAL RATING: DIE IN A HOLE/10@Tyro D. Fox SAVE ME FROM THE NOTHING I'VE BECOME
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