Reasons for Staying

Published by Saikyo in the blog Junpei's Krazy Kids Korner!. Views: 613

So I was talking to Grey Knightmare today... and he said something truly motivational to me.


[6:11:12 PM] CJW Grey: Despite the deactivation of the awards system
[6:11:16 PM] CJW Grey: You still got one
[6:11:22 PM] CJW Grey: A very special one
[6:11:34 PM] CJW Grey: That was given to you not by the staff, but by the site as a whole
[6:11:41 PM] CJW Grey: No one can take that away from you
[6:12:22 PM] CJW Grey: Whatever you've done, whatever you do - at one point in time, you were voted pony of the year on Everypony.com - Maybe it doesn't mean much to you, but it would to me, were I in your shoes (hooves?).
[6:12:30 PM] CJW Grey: Just don't forget it, when you're down.

And... I think it took that much to make me realize what I actually stayed here for.
To be honest, I don't know why I've been here for the past 3 months. I felt obligated to, even though I didn't have any real driving force.

And... it took this little tidbit to make me realize why I've stayed even after so long.

People appreciate me for who I am. People like me for what I do for other people. It isn't some obligation or self-righteous cause. It's... just me, being me.

And over the year and a half (just about) a lot of things about me have changed. Overall I've become a better person. I came here under a lie, and I'm going to leave here holding the truth, happy that I told it.

Some would say I haven't changed one bit. Some would say that I like to manipulate people still and that I only seek sympathy and attention when I want it.

And you know what? Some part of that is right. I'm not afraid to admit that back when I was first staff, I was desperate for attention, just for someone to tell me that they cared about me so I didn't have to feel so alone. And then I thought about it for months. Months and months and months. And I finally reached my answer. It doesn't matter if people think I'm a bad person, because I know to myself that I've changed from that. And everyone who knows me knows that as well.
For this, I'm grateful.

My answer is... It isn't about me or the site. It's about the people who helped change my life for the better. I've stayed because I feel happy that people accepted me even after I had lied to them for so long.

For some, again... they don't see it that way. And that's fine. There is nothing I can do to change that, as much as I wish I could.

Everyone makes some mistakes in life. Some people like to go out and capitalize on these mistakes and try to demonize people they are jealous of and hate.

I've made a lot of mistakes, and a few people see this and exploit it. And yet, I still carried on. Why?

Partially, pride. I didn't want to resign because it'd be giving up. It'd be letting those people who constantly harassed me and the staff and members who are supporting me 'win'. But I realize now it isn't about 'winning.'

I have nothing to prove to these people, because I've already proved myself to the people who care to ask.

The other reason, was my search for an answer. It was stressful, and my work ethic tarnished as a result. I'm one of the reasons Poetic left. I caused a lot of fighting in the staff. Lately I've been doing better at managing my urge to argue my point to no end, but my stubborn nature prevents me from doing that sometimes.

I admit my own faults and I embrace them. Without my flaws I wouldn't have the friends I have today. I went to other people seeking help and I got it. I finally feel useful and I finally feel relieved that people can care about others.

Could I have done some things better? Yes. Yes, of course. There are a lot of things I regret doing. A lot of things I know for sure I could have done better.

Even as a staff member, however, I feel at ease with myself. I've made some of the best friends I've ever known on this site. They are my main reasons for staying.

The people of this site deserve a chance that I never was able to give them. Now I want to be able to give people that chance again like I did as an ordinary user.

I want people to realize that now more than ever, we need each other if we want this place to survive and flourish.

We won't get back to the way things were in November. No. I hope it goes farther and better than that.

With the departure of all of our admins, Derpy, Grey, and Foxy, things have really changed. Most have seen this as negative change. Even I, myself, felt that the three originals leaving the administratorship was negative.

However... I know that this is an opportunity for growth. Our new admins, Zephyr, Berry and Mike are all great people with good heads on their shoulders. We don't need to think back and say 'things were better when Derpy was around'.

Things will always get better. We just have to make them get better.


I just wanted to personally thank you all for the year and a half (almost) of a good time. I hope you have all experienced some form of good time while you were here as well.

This is Ramza, signing off.
Nov 30, 2012
  • Vulpine Script
    Vulpine Script Nov 30, 2012
    Stay true to yourself and your goals man, and most of all, be happy.
  • NotWhatWeExpected
    NotWhatWeExpected Nov 30, 2012
    Bravo! It's always great to see someone learning from what they've done and getting the courage to announce it too! I'd probably never have the will to do that if I were in your shoes.

    Even if I was only here for half of the 1.5 years you've spent, I've seen enough to know that you're a really great guy! Sure, you've had your moments, but who doesn't? Just keep being the awesome pony of the year, all right? :D
  • Eluuna
    Eluuna Nov 30, 2012
    /cries.

    That was... wow. Nice one POTY.
  • Flutteryshy
    Flutteryshy Nov 30, 2012
    Well, I know for a fact this site made me better, probably saved my life to be honest, I used to be very depressed, but I won't talk about that.

    I need my head out of the radio, someone drag me to the forums more often, I really love the whole site, but I often only appear on the radio. Also, WHEN DID POETIC LEAVE?? Someone please fill me in on anything big since foxy and flash left. ;~;

    Ramza, you've always been awesome in my book, so stay that way! And glad to see that your staying! :smile:
  • Glorious Rex's Apostle
    Glorious Rex's Apostle Nov 30, 2012
    Too long. Still read. Whatever drives you Ramza, be it winning, pride, or anything else. I'm not sure I understood I read all this right. I'll have to come back when I'm not so tired.
  • LyonKS555
    LyonKS555 Nov 30, 2012
    Like the sun we live to rise.

    I don't know all the details of what happened this past year but I still see you as the good person that you are Saikyo. Ever since I joined, I have always admired you. : )
  • Rarit E
    Rarit E Nov 30, 2012
    Too long, read it anyway! ::S:

    You can only improve yourself with time and experience. For some people it just takes a really long time. I've made mistakes and dumb decisions too, the most recent one being getting rid of my green name. (Well technically I never had the green name, but you get my point :p)

    Glad to see you post this, and I suppose Grey deserves a thank you too. :derpe:
  • mike406
    mike406 Nov 30, 2012
    *hugs* Things happen that we regret or aren't very proud of. But it's how we learn and better ourselves for the rest of our lives. It's one thing to just realize the mistakes we've made, but it's another if we can accept them and grow from them. As long as you stick to what you believe in and follow your heart, you become that much closer to reaching true happiness.
  • Miggy
    Miggy Nov 30, 2012
    Reasons for stayin so far? Does this mean you're going, hmm, I am okay with that.
  • Saikyo
    Saikyo Nov 30, 2012
    Quite the opposite. It means I'm staying as long as I will allow myself to. Sorry to disappoint you.

    Yeah, everyone has their moments.
    People have to reflect and realize sometimes they aren't who they think they are, you know?
    It's completely your choice if you go or stay on the radio specifically or not. I'm sure the forum would want you to spend more time with them as well, though. =3

    I will. And I am.
    I appreciate that, Lyon. Thank you very much.=)

    It took me this long, but I think I understand what you mean after all of this time. Thanks, Mike.
  • Dragonbait
    Dragonbait Nov 30, 2012
    To each their own. As long as we are all enjoying ourselves - WITHOUT hurting others, then go for it. :blink:

    /I voted for Yeti.
  • Saikyo
    Saikyo Nov 30, 2012
    Yupyup.

    I voted for Yeti too last year, hahaha
  • Dark Samus
    Dark Samus Nov 30, 2012
    Things do seem to be looking up for you. Others have said it already; you improve your character by learning from your mistakes.

    Truth be told, I've always been skeptical about you, you see. Last year, you were one of those members who gave well-thought-out posts yet something always seemed out of place about them... As though they seemed a little too well-crafted, perhaps just too strong. The simplest way that I could describe it is that it all felt quite forced. Another thing that has always put me off about your character is how strongly you feel about things. As you make your point clear on something, I've always felt heat in them. Not warmth, heat. It's easy to believe that someone might be self-righteous and proud when you feel aggression in their phrases and the forced nature of your well-thought-out posts, at least at the time, did hint at a possible ulterior motive... I've kept quiet about it until now.

    For some, the mark of manipulator has been branded to you by fire. A mark that will most likely be permanent. You see, once you're branded a manipulator, any finger you lift, every letter you type can be accused as being crafted to sway the recipient in the interest of your own agenda, which could easily be accused of being selfish.

    I don't claim to know what the future will bring but I--and everyone else--will be watching. Good luck.
  • Saikyo
    Saikyo Nov 30, 2012
    I know. And if people want to think that I'm doing that now, that's okay. They have a right to.

    While I can't do much to convince them that they're wrong, other people around me will see my example and hopefully follow suit.
  • Dark Samus
    Dark Samus Nov 30, 2012
    Good. Try not to worry yourself about those who see you in a negative light. People come, people go... You will be a blank slate to those who will meet you for the first time. Should you trust in their sense of judgment, you should feel at ease knowing it will take more than the words of a few embittered folks to taint your image in their heads, given that their own observations don't add up to their rhetoric. That you've set yourself to set a new example tells me you're on the right track. *nods*
  • B-Dog1996
    B-Dog1996 Nov 30, 2012
    This was a nice read. I'm glad to see that you have stuck around for all this time and you haven't been afraid to voice your opinion when you felt it was necessary. This site would be a lot different if you hadn't done anything.
  • Eight Star
    Eight Star Nov 30, 2012
    It was well written, and well said. Although we don't communicate often, I'm always happy to see ponies sticking around, and displaying a general understanding of their growth through friendship.
    Because we all know what they say about friendship. :smile:
  • Dwynter
    Dwynter Nov 30, 2012
    Yes, change is a surprising thing, especially if we liked the things the way they were. But everything changes, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But, trust me, nothing is a bad as you think it is, and nothing will be as good as it was. Some of that is just coloring - we always look at the past as something better, mostly, I think, because we know how things turned out. The future is an uncertain and scary realm.

    I can think of my job, which I held for nine years, and all the changes we went through. Every time we got a new boss, everyone would lament the loss of so-and-so, and how things were much better with him. It's not bad - just different.

    I'll stick around, if only for the memories and the chance of new friends. And for those that do stick around, like you Ramza, and the few others I remember from a year and a half ago.

    Hmm, not sure where I was going with this, or if I was going anywhere. Glad you're sticking around, Ramza - I always keep an eye out for your posts, even if I don't always say something.
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