Sick of it
Published by Doctor Whooves in the blog Doctor Whooves's blog. Views: 285
I would usually make some kind of introduction, but i highly doubt it matters anymore, mostly considering this post will probably not be viewed. So with that i'll start,
Am i the only one? The only one out there who is sick of seeing the same, exact, consistent facade that i see everyone play? I suppose elaboration is in order. See I'm sick of seeing people display this shallow mono-dimensional aspect around me, the side of them that isn't them that isn't real, that isn't raw, it's just there to keep me happy. I'm sick of seeing people constantly ask me "are you OK " but i always have to say "i'm fine" when just once i want them to say that i legitimately matter to them, and no. I don't want people to tell me that, i want them to exude it. See to me, when people ask "are you OK?" they don't actually want you to tell them no, they only want to be able to say that they asked. I say that i want people to exude the idea that i matter to them, and i wish i could say i was asking too much, but i do things like that for people all the time.
Example
Today, literally TODAY, one of my friends looked sad, so i asked him what was wrong. He told me that another friend of mine's mom had literally grounded her from having a birthday! So within a two hour time period i got some birthday banners, made ram-an noodles (her favorite), Got some cake stuff, and made it back and threw her a party. Her presents are what made her happy though, I gave her a geode (favorite rock), and gave her boyfriend a ladybug that was embroidered with obsidian studs, golden legs, and diamond eyes, just to give to her. Now here are the 2 funny parts
1. Both of those things i didn't just go and buy, they were childhood treasures, the geode was from Tennessee, and the ladybug was a gift from my step-mother, whom my father beat daily, and as her parting gift, she gave me that ladybug...
2. This isn't my girlfriend, in fact, we're probably closer to acquaintances
So why did i do it?
Because i just wanted to see her be happy, and not sad on the one day of the year that was hers.
I didn't bring this up so that i could brag, or to bring others down, i am just upset, because on my birthday, i thought if i didn't mention it, it would feel nice to not have to, right?
Wrong, no-one, not a single person remembered my birthday, my mother, my father, and my sister. That's it. My best friend didn't, i don't know why it still stings but it does!
I just get sick of feeling used, alone, and overall, tired of not feeling like i matter.
I don't ask people for things, just as i don't them, I want them just to attempt something.
Call me whiny, obnoxious, selfish, or idiotic, i just want to feel like if i died... someone would notice. I don't want to be forgotten, i don't want people to hurt, but i'm sick of cutting my heart out and wrapping it up, and no one offering to pay for the surgery to put it back in. I'm just sick of the cold pit in my stomach, and then people have the audacity to ask about if i'm doing OK? No, I'm not alright, i'm not fine, in fact, the scars on my arms are starting to hurt, my family is falling apart again, my arms and legs are twitching more, my black-outs are more frequent, my sanity is deteriorating with every day in this redundant existence, i watch mlp to keep my mood up, i am 50% clinically insane, and my emotional repercussions to all of these stimuli are making me into an emotional train-wreck, Lastly, just to top it all off, my emotions are in such complete conflict that my mind has begun to create another personality just to keep them separate.
I don't know what else to say. I just want to feel needed, because its chipping away at me, so again i ask.
Am i the only one?
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