Size Matters Not (A Review of Godzilla '98)

This pegasus made Godzilla 20% less cool. At least until 2000.
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Well, it's time to tackle one of the reasons why adapting Japanese culture into American blockbusters is usually a bad idea.

It's time to take on... Godzilla (1998).

So, our movie begins with stock footage of nuclear testing and iguanas. Proving that while they got Godzilla's birth right, they got his species wrong.

Oh, right, this Godzilla ISN'T Godzilla. He's called Zilla, because that's what Toho, the people who own the REAL Godzilla, call him, so that's what I shall call him.

Anyway, after the opening credits, we get... an episode of Japanese Deadliest Catch, I guess.

No, actually, it's a Japanese military ship. Some radar technician picks up something suspicious on the radar, and an alarm goes off. Everyone panics.

Then the creature attacks. All hell breaks loose, as the ship is torn apart.

We then cut to our main character, Dr. Niko Tatoupolous, played by none other than Matthew Broderick, best known for voicing Simba inThe Lion King. Also, his name is constantly butchered as a running gag. Get it? It's a Greek name.

...

LAUGH ALREADY!!!

Anyway, Niko is a scientist who studies... worms. Yeah, I don't get it, either.

When we first see him, he is driving a Volkswagen van to Chernobl. Because we didn't have enough nuclear history references already.

He's setting up his study, when a helicopter lands behind him. Out comes the Ukraine army, and some guy from the U.S. State department, who tells him he's being transferred.

Cut to our generic French guy of the movie, who visits a hospital in Tahiti. Specifically, the bed of an old Japanese guy from the boat from earlier.

And here we get one of the dumbest moments of the movie.

The French guy pulls out a lighter and asks the old man what he saw.

Apparently, lighters are Babel fish, because the old man replies simply, "Gojira." (Note: Gojira is Godzilla's Japanese name.)

We then cut to... oh goody, our protagonist is back!

He finds himself on an island, and he is told to examine a new sample...

We have an escapee from Jurassic Park, people!
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Tatoupoulos is convinced that no animal alive on Earth can make such a footprint.

Cut to New York City, where we get our discount April O'Neill of the film, Audrey Timmonds, played by Maria Pitillo. If you don't know who that is... me neither.

As I said, she's a reporter for a local news station. And she'll also be our love interest of the film. So... yeah.

Cut to Jamaica, where I'm sure I could get some good weed to forget this film. And... we're back to our protagonist. Yippee.

Our protagonist approaches a shipwrecked ship, which has nasty clawmarks on it.

And... our French guy is back. He's bantering with the U.S. military about how he's interfering.

Cut to yet ANOTHER ship off the East Coast of 'Murica. No points for guessing what happens to it.

After that, our protagonist is looking into a microscope, where we get our daily dose of exposition.

Back to NYC, where our reporter is having dinner with her boss. Suddenly, she sees our protagonist on the news, and they turn out to know each other from college.

At last, we get the big reveal. Zilla has arrived. And boy, his CG is baaaaaad.

His CG is as dated as this movie.

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Anyway, we get our Siskel and Ebert stand-ins as MAYOR OF NEW YORK. Wow, I guess Emmerich really didn't like the reviews for Independence Day.

Guess who shows up at their inaugural speech?

Cut to the news station, where Barney is on TV for irony purposes.

Cut to our reporter, still fawning over Niko. Guess who shows up? (Hint: it's Zilla.)

Audrey then calls someone a word which I will not utter here because unlike Derpy, this word really is offensive to mentally challenged people.

Luckily, they caught Zilla on film.

As if that weren't bad enough, they actually use some of Godzilla's REAL roars in the film. That's like polishing a turd.

Anyway, Niko shows up. Here's another dumb moment: Zilla GOES MISSING. And this is a MAJOR PLOT POINT.

Then the news guy says this is the worst thing to happen in the Big Apple since THE 1996 WORLD TRADE CENTER BOMBINGS. Give it a couple years, Emmerich. I'm sure it'll get worse. Oh wait...

God, this movie is dated.

Audrey is still fawning over Niko, and tries to convince the boss man to let her see him.

Eventually, she does.

Everything can't be 5 cents, as Zilla clearly shows.

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Then the mayor and his aide show up and meet the French guy. God, this is like the OPPOSITE of the stereotype. You know, cause the French HATE us.

Then, our reporter is on the subway to try and find our protagonist. They eventually meet out of plot convenience.

Also, French guy wishes his donut were a croissant.

Then Mayor Ebert gets ticked at the military, who find out that Zilla went through the tunnels... somehow.

Also, Niko and the military try to bait Zilla with... FISH?!?!


And a lot of it, too, as cleverly pointed out by Niko, and I quote: "That's a lot of fish."

And sure enough...

The freakin' Godzilla's a spy!!

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Cue Jurassic Park inferiority complex music. Yes, this movie is Jurassic Park meets The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms.

Then the military fires. AND ZILLA RUNS.

See, this is why this movie takes the God out of Godzilla.

Now the military sends in the clowns. In helicopters. They do more harm than good in this movie, by the way. They make Stormtroopers look competent. At one point, they hit the GODDAMN CHRYSLER BUILDING.

Well, that's a pleasant image.

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Also, apparently, Zilla has no heat signature, since "he's colder than the buildings around him."

See? I told you. MAJOR. PLOT. POINT.

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Niko runs into Audrey while buying pregnancy tests. For ZILLA. HUMAN pregnancy tests, I might add. ANOTHER MAJOR PLOT POINT.

I'm SOOOOO tempted to quote Red Foreman from That 70s Show right now.

And the pregnancy tests somehow works.

Then he says Zilla reproduces asexually.

Which means... that Zilla is having his babies in the Big Apple.

Then Audrey goes behind Niko's back and leaks a tape she found in his tent to the media. Some girlfriend you are. Niko, of course, gets mad when he finds out.

And back to the military and the mayor and our protagonist. Niko tells the military his findings.

Niko runs into the French guy after he dumps his girl. It seems they have a common goal: finding Zilla's nest.

Audrey sneaks underground, and Niko and the French guy go looking for the nest. And the French guy has an accurate Elvis impression, which helps them get past a checkpoint.

Then they lure out Zilla again, and he takes the bait. Again. And they fire again. And he runs away AGAIN.

You know, it's almost like Emmerich WROTE this movie, too, as well as directing.

Oh wait... he did.

Then Zilla JUMPS INTO THE DAMN RIVER. They find him using a submarine. Then they presumably kill him.

But that's not all. Turns out Niko was right.

And Zilla laid eggs in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN of all places.

The eggs hatch, and our "heroes" run away.

After Niko tells the military via news broadcast to blow up Madison Square Garden, they do it.

BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!!!

In a plot twist that would make Shyamalan wet himself, it turns out Zilla is still alive. Somehow.

The military decides to end it and blow Zilla the hell up. With missiles. While he's caught in the Manhattan Bridge.

After all this, Niko and Audrey make up, everybody celebrates, and the mayor's aide gives his boss a thumbs down.

"Wait, you guys think there's more? It's over. Go home."
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I just had to quote a far superior Broderick film for the ending.

MY FINAL VERDICT:

As a cheesy throwback to giant monster B-movies from the 1950s, it's an okay film. As a giant monster movie, it's mediocre, but still watchable. As a Godzilla film, it's a downright atrocity.

But what do the Mane Six think?

Twilight: On a technical level, the movie is very poorly written and takes major scientific liberties to the point that they distract from the whole experience. In terms of faithfulness to the source material, it doesn't even come close.

Rarity: IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL!!! IT WAS SO 1990'S IT HURT!!! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON AUDREY'S HAIR...

Applejack: Don't get me wrong, ah love 'Murica, but this... this is just too blatantly American. Not ta mention the movie's based on a Japanese giant monster, which they followed as closely as a greyhound huntin' a skunk.

Rainbow Dash: LAAAAAAAME!!! I mean, COME ON, EMMERICH!! IT'S GOD-FREAKIN-ZILLA!!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!!! You got EVERYTHING WRONG THAT YOU POSSIBLY COULD!!! Oh, what's that? You don't like the source material? THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE TO MESS UP A PROPERTY THAT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LOVE, EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!

Pinkie Pie: BOOOORIIIING!!!! And I know boring when I see it, because I live for fun. This was not a fun movie.

Fluttershy: Um, I didn't like it. I would say something about it, but that would be mean, and this movie's been beaten up enough. I'd like to put it out of its misery, if that's okay.

★★☆☆☆
4/10 "It's OK." -IGN.​