Warning long post

So as the title suggests this is a long post. So grab a snack, get comfy and read if you want.

So, my father passed away last December. I owe my pony community a lot they held me together. This is a previous Blog excerpt.


Today is the day of my fathers funeral. He passed away December 22. I love my daddy, he was my best friend. He was always there always by my side. I could be so wrong and both of us could know this but he would still support me and my choices. He was funny, caring, loving, a gamer, and he was a fellow pony fan.

I never really knew if he was big into ponies or just loved seeing the pinatas I made. Either way the ponies made him happy and he was so impressed with each one. He never could wrap his mind around how I did it and it was so cute to see him so interested and fascinated by what I do.

These past weeks have been difficult yet peaceful, I am sure I will be an absolute wreck after the funeral but until then I am ok. I would like to share what happened the day before he died. My dad came over to my house to drop off a Christmas care package. The box had a turkey, all the fixings, deserts, tacos, like everything even like 4 more cans of beans. (no one eats the beans.... I got over 20 cans that are just going to sit there, because my dad thought I liked them and I couldn't tell him I didn't... I really appreciated the care pack and the beans made me laugh.) So I got to see my dad and hug him and tell him how much I love him and I gave him one more kiss. With that he left.

It doesn't end there no, it gets better. I got an email a few hours later saying this...
"Hi Alaynna,


I am sorry to say, i wont be able to give you anymore shifts.
You are a very good person, and wish you a good luck for future.

You can come coming friday to collect your paycheck. Also, please bring your Tshirt."

Yeah, I got fired.... they replaced me with their old white girl... so new white girl was canned.

This was great news (crappy I lost my job but this would mean I get to spend Christmas with my family.) So at 10pm I called my mom and dad to tell them the good news! I got to talk to my daddy one last time, tell him good night and I love you. He went to bed a couple hours after that and passed in his sleep.

Before he told me I love you he said this. "You are far better than you think. I believe in you Alaynna. Shoot for those stars because I know you can reach them. I know you can go further!"

I will never stop shooting for those stars daddy, it kind of makes me feel closer to you... One day I will touch those stars dad, I will accomplish all of my hopes and dreams. One day I will join you in the stars daddy. I love you so much.

Forever and always I am your little girl.
With much love I wrote this for you. It is a promise, to live my life to the fullest each day.
Love always,
~PP

For my readers, Please take this moment to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. You honestly never know when it is going to be your last day. Let my message to my father inspire you to at least not take for granted. Life is too short to do that.
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This next bit is very personal. If the last bit was boring or made you sad I suggest you skip a little further.








Below is the letter I read to my dad at the family viewing. I read it alone in private. This is something I wanted to do since I posted "My piggy" on a different blog. I couldn't think of a better time than tonight.

Dear Daddy,

I wrote this thinking of you a little while ago. I wanted so badly to share this with you but I never got the chance too. I am sorry.

My daddy brought me over a care pack and I made so much chocolate pudding! You knew it was my favorite easy desert. I always appreciated the care packs... even the darn beans. They made my day, my week even.

You would go out of your way for anybody, and you always were there for me. You took care of me everyday even if you were not able to be with me. Just like my piggy daddy you were my best friend. I didn't value you as much as I should have. I wanted to give back to you so badly. I wanted to be able to take care of you.

Dad I wrote this next bit specifically for you. I often wrote about my love for you in my blogs. You were my biggest support.

I miss my piggy he was the ugliest, most cutest piggy I ever did see. My daddy gave him to me when I was born, ever since then my piggy was always there for me. I remember if I had a bad day at school, if my friends were picking on me, whatever happened good or bad piggy was there lookin at me cheering me on from the confined space of my bedroom. In my mid teen years I forgot how important he was to me and I stopped telling him what was going on ( I know this sounds weird but I had no one and I have had no one for as long as I can remember.) I know you know this feeling dad, you so often felt it too. I should have realized it more and been there to hug you. I am so sorry. please forgive me.

Little by little I neglected my piggy. Then something tragic happened, I lost my home and for a long while I lost my family. Its a long story that ended in flames. My house burnt and I moved away to finish school even more alone than I ever realized possible. I worked full time and finished high school, I didn't graduate at the top of my class but I exceeded my expectations, and as much as I would like to say I was completely alone, I wasn't my piggy was there through it all just like you were daddy. You were always there to make me laugh when no one else was.

Through all the crazy moves, the guns that were pointed, the frantic struggles, my piggy was there through it all. The worst incident was the first house I lived in, I was threatened by my land lord with a gun and ended up leaving with the police I had 20 min, to get everything and leave he was there. He was there when the next house I could find was a crazy ass nun who went through my personal stuff and destroyed my ability to go to church. He was even with me at the next house I could afford... my roomate was a coke head!

It pains me greatly to write this next bit, the tears won't stop. The last move, the place I am at now 2 years since my life went to absolute **** my piggy is no longer with me. I lost him in the last move. I don't know where he went. My only friend, where did you go? I am so sorry I wasn't there for you like you were for me. I am sorry I could not be as faithful as you. You always were there to listen and soak up the tears. You would remind me of when things were good. Now you are gone. gone forever and it pains me so. I have not mourned the death of family like I have mourned the loss of my piggy. I cry almost every night thinking about him, it haunts me every night.

I did not think it was possible to miss my piggy more. But I find myself using you and my piggy interchangeably I have lost you in the same place. I lost my best friend. I wish I had more to hold onto you with and this part is probably what pains me so. I miss you and you seem further away, more now than ever.

So I have made the decision to live my life as you told me. I won't ever stop shooting for those stars dad, I know you wanted the best for me and I will NOT stop until I have succeeded in doing so, I will not rest until I am able to meet with you once again. I look forward to telling you all the success you made possible for me and never got to truly understand.

All I want to say is I miss you dear friends, you will always be greatly missed.
Like my piggy daddy you are gone, my dear friends you will be greatly missed. I cherished every moment we had together <3

I will love you forever and always.
Your little girl,




I was quite stoned when I wrote that lol. I was just unable to handle life like I normally could have. It was incredibly hard. Anyways I move through each day and have been doing a lot better since. I even went to school so I can get a half decent job to support my business. In school I learned how to become a pipe line insulator. the only problem with all of that was that I had to leave where I lived. While I was going to school I was thrown out of 2 homes. Not because I was bad or anything, one I didn't want to be around the drugs, the second one was really shifty I still don't understand what happened there. Sometimes it's better to just not know though...

Anyways I left living with my man at the time so that I could go to school. After 2 and a half years he cheated on me and left me 2 weeks before the course was done and I would be back home.... what ever

So I moved into my new apartment, got a great roommate, he's sweet on me. I kinda like him but I think he would change if we started dating.
The whole thing is rather rough, I mean I miss my ex, like this new guy but don't want anything... What do?

So for now I am staying single and looking for work.



I suppose my reason for posting all of this boils down to what's been weighing me down the last bit. This everything has been kind of crazy. I know one day soon it'll start looking up, it better.


I do believe I shall get back into writing though... I just need ideas or possibly others to write with...