The H-Files

[video=youtube;6DqHuRHhKhM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DqHuRHhKhM&feature=player_embedded[/video]


I don’t own these characters or profit from them.


My Little Pony: The H-Files
By, Clayton Overstreet

Mulder: An Earth Pony assigned to the H-files, a secret part of the Filly Bureau of Investigation to investigate reports of sightings of the strange creatures known as “humans” and their supposed company known as “Hasbro”. He witnessed them taking his sister when he was younger and believes it was part of a plan to mass produce ponies for human children. Mulder also suspects that someone higher up in the government may be working with them. He also believes there may be a program in place to combine human DNA with other creatures. He is often mocked by other ponies who do not believe humans exist, let alone monitor everything some ponies do. His fur is light brown with a short dark brown mane and his Cutie Mark is a little blurry humanoid form over the words “I Want To Believe”.

Scully: A unicorn with extensive medical, scientific, and magical training, though her cutie mark is a bright burst of white light because her special magical skill involves shining an intense bright light from her horn in a concentrated blinding beam that she often uses to save her and Mulder’s lives. Her fur is bright red. She has seen some strange things since being assigned to the H-files, but remains skeptical on the existence of humans.


Scully frowned as Mulder worked the slide projector. They were both sitting in Mulder’s office in a small area deep below the castle. “What am I looking at here Mulder?”
“Proof Scully, that in Equestria there are humans.” He stamped on the switch on the floor that changed the slides. The click echoed loudly in the room. Scully did not say anything, but the look of disbelief on her face was obvious. Mulder ignored it. “Do you see this?”
Scully examined the picture. “It looks like someone tried to make a condom out of cloth.”
“It’s called a sock. See the way it’s bent? Humans supposedly wear them under their shoes. Several of them were recently discovered among the trash in Ponyville.” Click. “In addition this ring of rubber is what I believe is called a ‘tire’, part of a human vehicle which has the power of hundreds of ponies and may be part of their plan to pollute the air and make it more to their liking. It was discovered by three young ponies recently when they dug a pit as part of their plan to get their teacher and another pony to fall in love.” He frowned. “Interestingly enough two of the ponies involved are the children of the Apple Clan whose parents have vanished, possibly as part of the Hasbro companies kidnapping of various ponies. It may connect to the ‘Wilbur’ file that records an event several decades ago of an earth horse named Ed supposedly taken by a human named Wilbur who kept him in a stable like an animal even after Ed revealed that he could talk.”
Scully examined the thing and frowned. “Are you sure about this Mulder? It looks more like part of a swing to me.”
Click. A scroll appeared. “How about this secret report? It’s from Twilight Sparkle herself, a high ranking pony with close ties to the princesses. It says that recently in Ponyville there was a minotaur, a creature that is clearly the result of a super soldier program to crossbreed humans and bulls. I suspect Twilight Sparkle may be directly involved in the plan to crossbreed other creatures with humans.” Click. “In this picture she’s actually wearing a saddle!”
“That is for her baby dragon assistant.”
“A dragon with no wings,” Mulder said. “Who claimed that his egg was purple and green. That totally disregards what Twilight says, which is that his egg was pinkish purple with purple spots. Similar to the egg laid by her friend Pinkie Pie not so long ago. We know from earlier cases that there has been crossbreeding between ponies and dragons. They work as Princess Luna’s guards.”
“You think they are crossbreeding humans and dragons too?” Scully couldn’t help rolling her eyes. She liked Mulder, but sometimes he got on her nerves. The FBI was supposed to investigate odd uses of magic, curses, monsters, and the reports of mares from outer space like Luna or that strange Doctor Whooves. Instead he was completely focused on magicless humans.
Mulder smirked and clicked the projector again. On the screen was a picture of a thin purple dragon. “This is one of the earlier experiments before Spike to cross humans and dragons. Note the long snake-like body. The way it can breathe under water. And of course the hair and moustache on its head.”
“Why is half of the moustache purple?”
“Ah, that is because pony hair was grafted onto him.”
Scull frowned. “Mulder have you considered a simpler explanation than a human conspiracy? Perhaps all these things.. the ‘socks’, the ‘tire’, and even the minotaur if it exists… maybe they are leftovers from when Discord escaped. He did all kinds of strange and chaotic things when he was let loose. We still don’t know what all the side effects of that could be.”
Mulder nodded. “I’ve considered that Scully. I’ve even been told that by some of the higher ups.”
“And where are you getting all this information?”
“Well…” He looked guilty. “I may have snooped around Twilight Sparkle’s library while she was out star gazing one night.”
“Mulder you can’t just search the home of the princess’s favorite student. Let alone accuse her of being part of a conspiracy. You told me yourself you believe other ponies who have come close to this secret have been turned o stone along with Discord or sent to the moon.” One of Mulder’s other crazy theories had been that the princesses did not actually make the sun, moon, and stars move and that ponies did not actually have to do Spring Clean Up for spring to arrive. To protect this secret he believed that Celestia had eliminated many ponies over the years. And that she and her sister may feed on their life forces to keep themselves immortal.
“One last thing Scully.” Click. “Look who I found living in Ponyville on a huge apple farm.”
Scully felt her chest tighten up and her eyes widen. “The Chair Rocking Mare!” Every time they got close to finding what Mulder considered proof of the existence of humans and the conspiracy she showed up and things got… complicated. Scully herself suspected they had experimented on her, briefly tagging her neck with a small © symbol. Mulder believed she was also in charge of the human-pony crossbreeding program and may have been Mulder’s real mother.
“I think the proof we’re looking for is hidden on that farm.”
“Mulder that old mare is canny and the Apple Clan is huge… we’ll never be able to just sneak inside.”
“I have a plan Scully. I’m going to tell Pinkie Pie to set up a surprise bonfire party at the far end of the orchard just for the Apple Clan family.”
“Mulder… that will never work.”

0o0

As they snuck into the dark barn the distant sounds of the party and flickering of the bonfire showed through the trees Scully mutters, “I can’t believe that worked.”
Mulder smirked and showed off his Cutie Mark. “Read it and weep.” There were crates of apples all over the place, not to mention bottles of cider, jars of applesause, and other apple based products. Scully’s beam of light swept the room, looking for anything strange. Mulder flinched when it passed over his face. “Watch it, I don’t need to go blinds.”
“Sorry.” She looked around. “Mulder I’m not seeing any—” Her hoof made a hollow sound on the floor.
“Good work Scully.” Mulder came forward and they kicked aside straw until they found the trap door. They opened it up. “Ready?”
“As I can be,” she muttered.
Inside was a staircase. They followed it down into the dark. It took them down deep for several minutes before they found themselves in a huge underground cavern.
“It looks like unicorns may have carved this out.” Mulder looked around. “Scully, what’s that over there?”
Scully turned her light where he indicated and gasped. “It’s… a house.”
A small pink house sat on the ground not too far away. It was dusty and looked mostly abandoned. Mulder was already moving towards it, his hooves echoing in the dark. Scully reluctantly followed him.
They reached the house and Mulder opened the door. A moment later they went inside. It was just as pink on the inside. “Scully, shine your light over there…” She did and her jaw hung open in shock.
Three bodies were lined up on the couch. They were mummified so details were hard to make out, but they were definitely bipeds, like monkeys only longer. They wore clothes and two had dried out blond hair and the third wore a cap on its head. Whatever they were, they clearly weren’t ponies.
“Scully, we’ve found it! Proof of humans and the source of the DNA they use in their experiments!” He looked at her. “In the 1980s there was… a disaster. A crash. A horribly made… event involving little ponies that nobody likes to talk about. The story also involved three human children, origins unknown and what happened to them is also unknown. I think this is them.”
“You shouldn’t be here…”
Both of the agents turned and saw two figures standing in the doorway. One was the Chair Rocking Mare and the other was the minotaur from Mulder’s files. Mulder said, “Scully it’s the super soldier!”
“Mulder what do we do?”
“Run! Quick, out the back door…” Scully shot her beam into the minotaur’s eyes and it stumbled. When it did they turned and galloped away. Mulder paused, bent towards one of the bodies, and ripped the heart-shaped locket off of it before hurrying after Scully.
Outside the house the whole Apple Clan was there, along with Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. Suddenly Twilight’s horn flared. Mulder and Scully were blinded by the light.

O0O

They woke up the next morning, naked in a field (not too unusual for ponies) outside of Ponyville. Scully frowned. And roughly got to her hooves. “Mulder? Where are we?”
“I don’t know… weren’t we in my office? I don’t remember anything…” He paused. “There’s something in my mouth…” Suddenly a small necklace and heart-shaped locket hung from his lips.
“Mulder, what happened to us?”

oo0

Later on the H-files:

Scully looked at Mulder. “I’m pregnant!”

000

Mulder frowned, looking at an ultrasound. “Scully I think your baby is a human pony hybrid.”
“It can’t be!”
He turned the ultrasound to show her. On it was a picture of the baby, clearly a centaur.

000

The centaur baby lays in its crib. The magic locket Mulder found in the pink house floating over its head in the air.
Scully said, “There is another hybrid baby. Rarity and Spike’s… but is it part human as well?”
“We’ll just have to find out Scully…” Mulder said. “For now we have to protect our baby from the government super soldiers.”

O0o

Scully had tears in her eyes. “Mulder is missing. He could be anywhere. He could be in some human’s clutches as she brushes his hair and…”
“I’ll find him Scully, you can trust me on that,” a diamond dog in a suit said.
“Thank you Agent Dogget.”

000

Scully stared at the TV screen, as images from around Equestria played. “Mulder, what is this?”
“It’s…”
The Chair Rocking Mare came forward. “It’s called… a television show.”


OOO

Author’s Note

In case you haven’t guessed, this week I was watching some X-files DVDs. Plus there is often all of this stuff about the mistakes in the show, whether or not there are humans in Equestria, and whether the current series connects to the old ones.
So I decided to screw around with it a bit. Hope it was good for a laugh.

 

Actually the "end" of the episode was when they appeared nude in the field with no memories. After that it's a possible preview of future episodes.