http://mlfw.info/f/1327/ These are the types of stories that make the world smile for a moment,making everything good
Okay, this is just awful. I've read things written in Ye Olde Language, in fact Eric Flint's "Joe's World" books are among my favorites. But you lack the knack and keep slipping out of it while simultaniously over describing everything. At first I thought you were stting up a fic that would have been the story of how Luna ended up in the moon. Or how Trixie and Luna become friends. Either good, but oddly nto going anywhere. Maurice seems to be a pointless excuse to make us listen to a speech of curse words and why young ponies today suck. And he has a phone and spoons... think about that from a pony perspective. Plus if he's that sick why wasn't he in the hospital? While Trixie was not a huge character int he show yet, I doubt she would randomly attack a pony who was complimenting her. And certainly not one that's 2 times large than average, appears to have wings under her cloak, and happens to speak in the exat same way as one of the two godlike rulers of Equestria. And worst of all you seem to have been trying to start a war or a fight in a show whose name inclused "Friendship is magic". My suggestion is that for your next fic rather than planing ahead nd writing yourself in a corner do the following. 1. Rewatch the series. 2. Give the ponies something to respond to. A metorite crashing in town, rampaging monster, a shopping trip. Just something that they can react to. 3. Carefully consider how each pony will react to the situation. 4. Don't make any original characters until you write a fic people like starring the originals. 5. Don't keep re-describing everyone.
