Badvice!

Use your teeth instead.



I have cold toes.

 

When life gives you lemons, go murder a clown.

Squirrels hate me.

 

Make a few suggestive "nuts" jokes. They'll be sure to fall in love with your comedic wit.

I feel the urge to dance the macarena at inappropriate times.

 

When that happens do the cupid shuffle and problem solved

my hands turned green

 

Uh... wear gloves?

My sink broke.

 

Shake it's food bag, problem solved l3

My network connection sucks

 

Spray some WD-40 on it. That should get it moving faster.

I think my cat wants to kill me.

 

Let them.

I want a cookie.

 

Steal one from a ninja assassin.

I want a Cuban sandwich.

 

Go to Florida, plenty of Cubans to kill and put in your sandwich.

I watched Mr. Meaty

 

Uh... watch it again, maybe?

I have never heard of Mr. Meaty.

 

Watch paranormal activity instead

I have my final exam for math in 5 minutes

 

(How have you never heard of Mr. Meaty!? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Meaty It is by definition the most traumatizing show on television ever.)
Keep playing on the computer, exams are for pansies!

I am alone in a classroom.

 

Stack all the desks on top of each other and play dead when someone comes in

my friend is sexually frustrated with out her plug......(just to clarify plug as in pacifier)

 

Maybe she'll be less frustrated if she puts it in a different location than her mouth?

What should I pack for my trip to Abu Dhabi?

 

Everybody would be pulling plums out of their ears if the thumb could fit inside the ear canal. We've evolved in a way that prevents this problem l3

I've spontaneously turned into an alicorn. What do I do?

 

Use razor blades and shave/file your self into a different animal

I can't stop laughing