I think I'm the a**hole... and I don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Serious Discussion' started by Username7999, Jul 7, 2020.

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  1. Username7999

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    So... I'm kinda worried about a close friend of mine. Now honestly I know private stuff is silly to bring up in a public forums, especially considering no one here knows me at all, though I will be discreet about all this, and I genuinely just want some advice on whether I should just wait some more, or if there's anything I can do about it.

    Anyway I have this friend I believe I met in 2014. I can't be 100% sure on that, but I'm sure it was that year. Anyway this ain't a normal friend, it's the greatest and only friend I have in this world. When we started talking and getting to know each other, we basically talked about anything, and I don't mean like those shallow responses you get from other people; When we talked about something, we deeply talked about things. With anyone else I'd speak to, I'd get less of a reaction than I'd get from mixing water with sodium chloride, and that's when I realized this is a true friend, not some person I'll talk with for a bit, and then walk away from.

    I finally met someone I could be myself around and talk to about my passions on a very personal level, and in a way, I feel I grew up with them both for who I am, and in a way 'spiritually'. Heck I even started making after death plans that when one of us dies, the other should wait until we're both gone, so we can move on together.

    But yeah, everyday I'd wake up, fire up Discord so it's ready for when they get on, and do whatever I'm doing, then as soon as they appeared online, my face would just light up. Even on the crappiest of days, they'd cheer me up. I barely have anything I like in this world, but this friend is just... f***ing epic. I'd never be able to find someone as godly as them, they are truly irreplaceable.

    We even played several online games together including Runescape, which gave me some of the greatest memories I've ever had in this life. We also played a fanmade Pokémon game, which kinda made me remember why I'm not much a fan of Pokémon. You watch the Anime and it's really dynamic in its battles, but the games just... are so 1 dimensional. It's like 'It's Red, hit it with the opposite color to win!' and then the whole luck-based aspect. I even watched an LP of the newest Pokémon... and it hasn't evolved into something it truly could be.

    Like why on earth is Pokémon still this 1 dimensional game that refuses to have a more dynamic combat system? Gamefreak could do so much more with it, and I'm not just talking about the lack of animations, but how the Pokémon battle each other. But I digress, I've gone off topic.

    Anyway, at the back end of last year, this friend was absent for about 4 months, and I got so worried about them because I legitimately thought something bad had happened to them, I actually tried contacting the police to file a missing persons case. Keeping in mind this friend lives in another country to me, so it ain't an easy process. They did eventually return after I left a message on their anwsering machine, and turns out they was totally fine, just been offline the entire time... kinda. Also turns out they was actually posting on a forums within those 4 months, they just didn't come to see me is all.

    We was together again and talking, then nearing Christmas time last year, they was away for about 2 weeks and we ended up missing Christmas, which I was hoping we could spend together. I was hoping to at least spend new years eve with them, which is when I created this account, and they ended up getting back in contact with me for a bit, but then they've been gone, and I haven't seen this friend since the start of this year. I did end up getting an email from them on 1st of March, but it's been quiet after that.

    Infact just yesterday, someone tried to add me on my Nintendo Switch, and when I had a look to see who was trying to add me, I noticed this best friend of mine was no longer on my friend list on the Switch, and... my heart dropped quite a bit. I'm not sure if it's just a feature where the Switch auto-deletes inactive friends after a certain point, but it's still heartbreaking to see it.

    ___________________________________________________________________________

    With all that said. In a way I feel I've stressed them out way too much, and it's led them to be distant with me. I mean... we've had our fair share of arguments in the past, and I've said quite a few things I never should have said to them, and I feel like a real dick for saying some of the things I've said during my moments of anger.

    Like, we've gotten into an online game, and sometimes in the past I'd get so enraged over the game, I ended up lashing out at my best friend over it, and honestly, I feel like an a**hole for how I behaved to them. Even though I've apologized for being a dick, I still feel like one, and there's truly certain things I shouldn't have said to someone that I hold so much value with and care for more than almost anything.

    I dunno, I've been one heck of an a**hole in the past, and I just feel it's overly stressed them out. One could say I unintentionally emotionally abused them. If you ever find that one true friend, don't stressed them out like I did, especially not over a video game.

    But yeah, I feel I was the dick. I mean, they haven't ever brought it up, and some people won't, but honestly after thinking about it, I didn't act like that true friend they've known for years. I've made mistakes.

    ___________________________________________________________________________

    Should I wait for them to get back to me so that I can properly apologize over this? Or should I approach them? Because at this point, I've refrained from contacting them because I don't want to stress them out any further, and being depressed, I don't feel I'd end up making anything better, and I'm just worried I'll f*** up again. This is someone that means existance to me, and I'm not good with communicating with people.
     
    #1 Username7999, Jul 7, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2020
  2. Username7999

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    Anyone? *Sighs* aye, you're free to PM me, I won't bite. I really need someone to talk to. Honestly, I've got no one since this friend has been gone.
     
  3. Eluuna

    Eluuna У вас нет жизни. Вы гуглите это.
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    If you believe that you have made their life worse because you have been in it, I think the kindest thing for you to do is to leave them be and better yourself in further friendships. They have an association with you now, and it sounds like you want to apologize to assuage your own guilt rather than to actually help them. You said you've already apologized in the past. To push it at this point means that you are unwilling to accept their silence as an answer. If they wanted a resolution, they would pursue one.

    However, on the bright side for you, this can definitely be a turning point for you. There are people just like that person in this world who would be great friends for you; you just need to be a little patient. Take what you've learned from this relationship and apply it to your future ones, and become a better person in the process. Your resolution with the situation is as bad as you make it, you know?
     
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  4. Username7999

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    To be honest with you... if this friend doesn't come back, I'm done with friendship for as long as I live. I just can't trust another individual anymore. I get what you're saying and I understand most people could do that, but the odds of finding someone else I can truly relate with and be myself around is way too small.

    I know it sounds odd, but I have extremely strict preferences when it comes to someone I'm going to consider a friend and bond with. Even if I did, I just couldn't trust them not to repeat this.

    And yeah I do want to apologize to them as I do feel maybe I have caused them to be distant with me. The problem is I can't 100% say for sure it's even the case. Maybe they legitimately haven't had the time to see me, but the thing is, it's been 6 months now, and this person has been able to come onto a pony forums, infact they have been lately, yet they haven't even had enough time to even email me?

    It seems shady to me. But this is where I'm facing a problem, because I just don't know what is going on, and I'll like for them to just be straight with me. Even if it's true that they don't like me anymore for whatever reason, then sure, but please be straight with me rather than the abandon treatment.

    In the end, in terms of friendship for me, it's truly a make or break case. Honestly, I'm prepared to just say "f*** having friends" and move on, but at the same time, I'll like for them to at least be straight with me regardless. We spent so many years bonding with each other and doing all kinds of stuff, only to have them disappear all of a sudden... it's heartbreaking.

    But you know what I mean. I don't want to be an a**hole, and I won't deny that at times I've been hard on them, especially getting angry over a video game. Heck I'd admit I've been expecting too much from them, but seriously a 6 month period, especially considering it's not the first time where they've just not made any communication with me, this is no way.

    It's just the fact they've had time to use a pony forums and zero time to even message me in any form that makes me believe there is a problem between us which they've never truly brought up with me over.
     
  5. Poisonous Nightmare

    Poisonous Nightmare ~EP's lovely Changeling Queen~
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    I'm interjecting now. You wanna know why I stopped communicating with you? Firstly, it's mostly because you immedately go 'Big Brother' on me the moment I am off for any period of time. In which I now regret infoming you I have an accout here. Secondly, as much as you probably don't want to believe it, I have a life outside communicating to you all the time.

    I will not deny we made many great memories together. However, most of the reason I was online to see you as often as I did was due to my ex-roommate hoggig my TV and game consoles at all times of the day. The laptop I have being the only thing I could use to pass time. Due to the situation all I could do mostly was be online. However that has obviously changed in recent times with that ex-roommate gone. I was willing to still communicate with you, however more of the same happened. You got immediately worried once I didn't say/do anything online for a few days. I feel smothered when others do that and gives me more of a reason to keep my distance. I'm a very introverted individual. I don't like extended lenghts of socail interaction. I find emotionally and mentally draining, depending on certain curcumstances. This is why I keep my interactions, even on here, sparce on occasion.

    I've been wanting to say this for a while. I appercaite you caring for me as you do. Infact, I appericate you not trying to bombard me with calls. But if I cannot have my space and if communicating with you needs to be constant, I am going to have to agree to us breaking things off. As much as I know that'll hurt you, that's what needs to be done. I dislike having to do this, especaily in the form of a forum post. But you've pushed for this and now you have it.

    I stayed quite this long because I hate hurting you. I too have trouble with communication myself. In the end this is what happened. You are right about one thing. I should of let you know sooner. But I tend to fall in to hiding behind my socail walls with things of this nature. And you pushing for answers made me hide behind my figurative barriers more. So I hope you got everything you came for. Because there it is.

    Edit: As a side note. I am technically without a laptop due to the current laptop OS being out of date and obsolete now, since it get hardly any security updates. The OS being Windows 7. So I may not be on Discord til that changes. IDK

    I am using other platforms to check here and elsewhere.
     
    #5 Poisonous Nightmare, Jul 17, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2020
  6. Username7999

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    Yeah... I've been clingy as f***, and I won't deny that. I guess I did take my clingy nature a bit to far from time to time, but please understand, it was never for nefarious reasons. I honestly just love you to death (Not in a relationship way). In the past I've had pretty strong bonds with others. Heck, I've even been in a relationship with someone. We used to Skype all the time, then one day, I introduced a friend of mine to them, and... they both ended up together. I've generally just had a past of having really good friends, even ones that had zero issues with me at all, and one day they end up leaving.

    I swear, I ain't making this s*** up. My trust for people just died over the years, until I decided to join another community, and that's when I met you. I just didn't want to see us leaving each other at random. You honestly mean the world to me, and I just wanted to make sure our friendship wasn't dying.

    Honestly, I never meant any harm in the slightest. But seriously, when you're not great with people, and finally find that one person you truly relate to, and something happens and they're all of a sudden gone from your life... it really hits home. I've had that happen too many times to count, and the first time you was gone for months.. I honestly thought something had happened.
    That day you mentioned about me being clingy or 'Big Brothering' you, I listened, that's why I spent months without trying to contact you on here. Of course now I have, but that's only because half the year is gone, and you went entirely silent.

    But yeah... I totally understand your side to all this, but please remember, I never ever meant to be a burden to you. Seeing me honestly doesn't need to be a daily routine, and trust me when I say this; Us killing this friendship is the last thing I want. This year has already been rough, even for me and that's saying something.
     
  7. Poisonous Nightmare

    Poisonous Nightmare ~EP's lovely Changeling Queen~
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    Really? From what it sounded like before I posted anything, you were ready to give up on the friendship. Now you are telling me this? I don't buy it. All you are really doing is guilt tripping me in staying friends with you. I'm not having it.

    Also you have gone to the length of searching what you could on me and even tracked my phone number without consent from me. At this point you have reached creeper/stalker territory. I cannot play my Switch without remembering you are there. I cannot even go on Discord without you jumping for my attention. I have removed you from both because I am tired of feeling shackled. Feeling like I have to be on eggshells. No more. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

    Also before you start. No, I am not being unreasonable. Yes you may of not done much for half the year but the fact you are doing this at all, even though I told you I don't like being tracked and watched once before. I shouldn't need to repeat myself. But here we are. I am done with you. When I said I want things broken off, I meant it.

    Edit: Also as a side note, no true friend would invade someone's privacy and look up info on them or a number. Only stalkers do that stuff and it's highly illegal.
     
    #7 Poisonous Nightmare, Jul 18, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2020
  8. Rockout E. Stringer

    Rockout E. Stringer Feelin' guitty!!
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    I think it may be best if the two of you sort this out privately.
     
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