So... I'm kinda worried about a close friend of mine. Now honestly I know private stuff is silly to bring up in a public forums, especially considering no one here knows me at all, though I will be discreet about all this, and I genuinely just want some advice on whether I should just wait some more, or if there's anything I can do about it. Anyway I have this friend I believe I met in 2014. I can't be 100% sure on that, but I'm sure it was that year. Anyway this ain't a normal friend, it's the greatest and only friend I have in this world. When we started talking and getting to know each other, we basically talked about anything, and I don't mean like those shallow responses you get from other people; When we talked about something, we deeply talked about things. With anyone else I'd speak to, I'd get less of a reaction than I'd get from mixing water with sodium chloride, and that's when I realized this is a true friend, not some person I'll talk with for a bit, and then walk away from. I finally met someone I could be myself around and talk to about my passions on a very personal level, and in a way, I feel I grew up with them both for who I am, and in a way 'spiritually'. Heck I even started making after death plans that when one of us dies, the other should wait until we're both gone, so we can move on together. But yeah, everyday I'd wake up, fire up Discord so it's ready for when they get on, and do whatever I'm doing, then as soon as they appeared online, my face would just light up. Even on the crappiest of days, they'd cheer me up. I barely have anything I like in this world, but this friend is just... f***ing epic. I'd never be able to find someone as godly as them, they are truly irreplaceable. We even played several online games together including Runescape, which gave me some of the greatest memories I've ever had in this life. We also played a fanmade Pokémon game, which kinda made me remember why I'm not much a fan of Pokémon. You watch the Anime and it's really dynamic in its battles, but the games just... are so 1 dimensional. It's like 'It's Red, hit it with the opposite color to win!' and then the whole luck-based aspect. I even watched an LP of the newest Pokémon... and it hasn't evolved into something it truly could be. Like why on earth is Pokémon still this 1 dimensional game that refuses to have a more dynamic combat system? Gamefreak could do so much more with it, and I'm not just talking about the lack of animations, but how the Pokémon battle each other. But I digress, I've gone off topic. Anyway, at the back end of last year, this friend was absent for about 4 months, and I got so worried about them because I legitimately thought something bad had happened to them, I actually tried contacting the police to file a missing persons case. Keeping in mind this friend lives in another country to me, so it ain't an easy process. They did eventually return after I left a message on their anwsering machine, and turns out they was totally fine, just been offline the entire time... kinda. Also turns out they was actually posting on a forums within those 4 months, they just didn't come to see me is all. We was together again and talking, then nearing Christmas time last year, they was away for about 2 weeks and we ended up missing Christmas, which I was hoping we could spend together. I was hoping to at least spend new years eve with them, which is when I created this account, and they ended up getting back in contact with me for a bit, but then they've been gone, and I haven't seen this friend since the start of this year. I did end up getting an email from them on 1st of March, but it's been quiet after that. Infact just yesterday, someone tried to add me on my Nintendo Switch, and when I had a look to see who was trying to add me, I noticed this best friend of mine was no longer on my friend list on the Switch, and... my heart dropped quite a bit. I'm not sure if it's just a feature where the Switch auto-deletes inactive friends after a certain point, but it's still heartbreaking to see it. ___________________________________________________________________________ With all that said. In a way I feel I've stressed them out way too much, and it's led them to be distant with me. I mean... we've had our fair share of arguments in the past, and I've said quite a few things I never should have said to them, and I feel like a real dick for saying some of the things I've said during my moments of anger. Like, we've gotten into an online game, and sometimes in the past I'd get so enraged over the game, I ended up lashing out at my best friend over it, and honestly, I feel like an a**hole for how I behaved to them. Even though I've apologized for being a dick, I still feel like one, and there's truly certain things I shouldn't have said to someone that I hold so much value with and care for more than almost anything. I dunno, I've been one heck of an a**hole in the past, and I just feel it's overly stressed them out. One could say I unintentionally emotionally abused them. If you ever find that one true friend, don't stressed them out like I did, especially not over a video game. But yeah, I feel I was the dick. I mean, they haven't ever brought it up, and some people won't, but honestly after thinking about it, I didn't act like that true friend they've known for years. I've made mistakes. ___________________________________________________________________________ Should I wait for them to get back to me so that I can properly apologize over this? Or should I approach them? Because at this point, I've refrained from contacting them because I don't want to stress them out any further, and being depressed, I don't feel I'd end up making anything better, and I'm just worried I'll f*** up again. This is someone that means existance to me, and I'm not good with communicating with people.