lol Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.… Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a baygull!
Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building. One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.." The other man says "**** off, you're jokin aren't u?" The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window.. The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth" The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death. The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a **** when you're drunk superman" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Spoiler: Joke Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!" "Woah, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house."
The second one was the best! I actually laughed out loud Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput
Super-google powers activate!....mhmmm.....ah...yes....quite...I see! Reliable sources tell me that is monty python!
Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. Sir Galahad: I don't think I was. Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril. Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous. Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on. Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril? Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy. Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay. Sir Lancelot: Am not.
My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard And they're like, that famine was hard Damn, that famine was hard I'd feed you, but you'll have to starve My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard and they're like, do you wanna trade cards? Damn, I wanna trade cards I'll trade you this, but not my Charizard My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like, just get in my car ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ My milkshake attracts gentlemen to my abode, and they proclaim It is far superior to yours.
Q - Luke Skywalker wants to buy a car. What car would he choose? A - Toyoda [video=youtube;uXILNncQwH4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXILNncQwH4[/video]
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
A hunter shoots a duck and it lands in a farmer's yard, when he goes to retrieve the duck, the farmers withholds it from him claiming it's his duck because it landed on his land. The hunter disagrees and says because he shot it, it's his duck. They decide to have hick kick the following day in which two men have to kick each other in the crotch as hard as he can, and the man who makes the least noise wins. So the following day comes and they decide after a coin toss that the farmer goes first. The farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow the hunter's privates, but the hunter doesn't utter a sound. After a brief time, the hunter squeaks out, "My turn." After that, the farmer says, "Nah, you can keep the duck." "Due to the recession and rising energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off" ~God
One morning a boy walks in to class late His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been" He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car" 15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car" 2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles" Spoiler: Joke A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other." The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
