I put on my robe and wizard hat. The present contains the book "The 9001 Best 4chan Threads Of All Time" by moot.
I Put it under my table to keep it from wobbling The present contains... a gallon jug full og fingernail clippings
I eat and gain super powers, and tumors. the present contains... lava balls (as opposed to snowballs)
I take swimmming lessons then dive in the present contains... a ghost trapped in a packet of hot sauce
Got Milk? The gift contains a "World's Best Golfer" coffee mug. The handle has been broken off and glued back on.
Take the poison and (hopefully) become zombie best friends with the cat, roaming the Earth for all eternity. The present contains an artbook featuring your fave pony.