Inner battle and no longer a goodbye

(Sad, I was actually feeling like leaving at the time I made this post.. Now I have no idea why I would ever want to leave. You guys are truly amazing, you know that?)

Well, to start off, I've kinda been avoiding this place.. The main reason for this is that I don't feel like myself any more. I reread and deleted all of my previous blogs because they were meaningless. Every being has their own problems, I shouldn't be pleading for help when I have troubles. I was raised to be stronger than this, I should solve my own problems in solitude.. I still thank all of you who attempted to help me, but it still wasn't right of me to ask, please forgive me..

Anyways, I'm a bit worried about who I'm becoming.. I've been questioning everything, especially things related to morals. It has become increasingly difficult for me to distinguish right from wrong as I don't know who or what has the power to label things/actions as such. I've been thinking back on occurrences that have happened to me or others that I thought at first were wrong, but now I'm left wondering if perhaps I'm the one in the wrong..

Spoiler: I don't always make examples, but when I do, spoilers

One of my earliest memories of this is when I was a child and my sister and I were forced to beg for change one year as both my parents lost their jobs when the town started to die and disappear.. I remember having many strangers wander by and offer us a little change in their pockets. I always grinned and thanked them multiple times. Then there were others who weren't as kind.. On multiple occasions kids many years older than I would run over and kick the bucket/can I used to hold the change I gathered. I also remember strangers walking by who would push me down, take the bucket/cans, and then walk away. I always thought of these strangers as being in the wrong, but now that I think about it, it was probably wrong of me to ask for change in the first place. I honestly have no idea how to judge these actions anymore..

One of my other issues is that I've always believed in doing "random acts of kindness". If an elderly/handicapped person is obviously having difficulties, see if you can lend them a hand. If someone is unable to buy something they need, I offer whatever money I have on me. If I see someone starving, I invite them over for a meal. If I see a person being beaten, I attempt to stop the abuser (Yes, I've been beaten multiple times for this). Even little things like cleaning off graffiti or picking up trash I'll do at times.. Now I'm left wondering if what I actually have been doing is kind.. I'm also questioning my motives for doing these things.. Is it really out of kindness, or a natural instinct? I'm pushed around for doing things like this.. Is it wrong to be kind? Is it right to belittle and attack others? I just don't get it..

Anyways, I can't function normally with all these questions in my mind. These are things I know I need to answer myself, I'm just getting tired of finding the answers.. I do love questions; however, I like asking others the questions the most (Not these questions of course).. I just can't bring myself to ask others questions in my current state

With that being said, I don't want any help with these questions.. You may have your own answers, I just need to find mine. This is also one of my excuses for being online less frequently. On another point, I tend to wear a fake smile to cover up my inner turmoil. It happens here as well. I try to act happy and I think it works, but I don't necessarily feel happy.. That has been leading me to avoid this place..

Anyways, I still thank you and apologize for my previous blog entries. I might disappear for a while until I can settle things with myself. Gotta say, it has been nice getting to know a lot of ya! I will probably stick around, but I can't exactly guarantee it.. Depends on how things go. Right now I'm actually in a fairly decent mood, so I might play the forum games for a bit. Hope to see you all later!