Mirror on the wall...

Well well well, I'm in a rather peculiar bind here. Never have I been this aware about my social connections before (more like the lack of them). Human nature is about having certain needs where one set of traits flourish if they are met and others flourish if they are denied. Much like how a plant will grow depending on the environmental conditions; past and present. Seems pretty clear to me that to have good social relations is to be in good mental and emotional health. By "good social relations" I mean to feel like you're supported. Well, I've gone into detail about this before. Possibly the most important part of it being about there being no strings attached to your relationships to those who matter to you other than you being your true, honest-to-goodness self.

Well, that's not what I have right now. Everyone close to me are back home and because everyone's busy, I rarely get to talk to them over the internet if at all. I'm suspicious of everyone around me IRL. Those who do look up to me only do so because they see me as someone to turn to once they start panicking over their exams so then the strings attached are about how well I could tutor them when they seek it.
Then there are my dear brony friends. Yes, you are pretty awesome people but I'm afraid because it's online, it just isn't as real simply because it's online and therefor, it just doesn't cut it.

Having battled depression today over this, I'm convinced I need to do something about this. One possibility would be to move in with my great uncle but the viability is in serious question despite the numerous benefits. So finally, where does this leave me? To who, or--dare I say--what, can I form an attachment to in order to foster better mental and emotional health? Someone who's always there, someone I can always look to...... That's right; me. Well, I know what people have need for in order to be healthier in a mental and emotional sense and I have given just that to someone in dire need of it. It shows a capacity for kindness in me but rarely, if ever, do I give myself that same kindness. Always being hard on myself for the sake of pushing my limits, perhaps showing that I forget to apply what I've been picking up to myself, very ironically failing myself where I help others. That is that learning and self-growth or whatever it's called happens best under a context of emotional safety and security. (Science, what would I do without you?)

If there's one thing I learned, it's that compassion allows you to empathize with someone who's hurting without you losing your mind in the process. I honestly can't remember a time where I was ever compassionate and accepting of myself. The idea that I'm never good enough for myself is what's been pushing me to do better up until I realized the futility of it. Not only that, this is also meant to be a temporary solution to what is ultimately a temporary problem. So yeah, that's what I'm going to do; be merciful towards myself and just take myself as I am. And hopefully not become a condescending, narcissistic ****.