The nightmares

Well recently I RPed with someone where I was asked to be more aggressive. The context was sorta similar and it made me figure out something else about it. In this nightmare there were two people; me and who we'll be referring to as 'the assailant'. In this RP, I took the role of the assailant and my partner the victim. Just don't expect me to say what happened exactly because that'd get me insta-perma-banned.

So, RPing made me realize what is it that drove my assailant to abuse me in that dream. Myself in that dream was a personification of all the reasons I ever had to feel disgusted towards myself and the assailant itself was this side of me that wanted to express all that pent-up self-anger I've had towards myself. But when I re-enacted that nightmare and others like it... I just got shocked... Horrified... Had to calm down a bit to write this because otherwise I'd be trembling a bit... Looking at myself RP I thought it was needlessly cruel and I am left asking myself do I hate myself that much? To sorta give an overview of how it went, it contained extreme violence, blood and gore and sexual themes.