Things have calmed down a bit and a rant

Wow... Moving to this side of the campus helped. While people can be loud here, it's a lot less frequent than my previous location. Still going to look for a better place to stay. It's just that I'm well-rested enough to become active here again.

Well... I'll still have to be responsible with my time. Thing is, I'm biting off quite a lot but at least I'm getting a little better at chewing. Bah, though with me it seems like the less I have to do, the lazier I get. It's like I need some pressure or I'll lose my energy. Though the thing is, even if I have a lot of free time, without money I can't do scrap so how would laziness or slacking NOT be the obvious outcome? Could also be that challenge to evolve myself to getting more adept at handling tasks. It's also very likely that I'll need these skills if the workplace is as unforgiving as people say. At the very least I'm learning and experimenting with team organization and communication with my time in the EP Review Team as well as the Community Project.

Who knows if it's also about distracting myself from some emptiness I have inside... One of the earliest things we are taught is that our life isn't just about living, is it? As children, the world teaches us that our value is measurable. Not only does this happen in schools, clubs but also in the household. Our true interests and potential is irrelevant in the face of the expectations put in front of us. Yes, how many of you can remember being brutally yelled at, humiliated or even physically hurt because you failed to do something right? On the one hand, it teaches that what you do or fail to do has consequences... that the love and respect you get from people is really conditional. As to the conditions or the extent, I cannot speak for everyone here. However, reward is a more powerful driving force than punishment. If you meet expectations and fulfill your directives, people will be proud of you, envious even. You are worth something and they spare no energy in expressing it. They adore you, they might even give you gifts or treat you to something delicious. But when failure happens... what you meet are spite and contempt. You failed and that makes you a failure. Do you see that person who did better than you? Well guess what, he IS better than you and we give him more respect and recognition because of that. Is it any wonder how failure can defeat and dishearten people so quickly? Oh, you know you messed up and you know what that makes you...

Perhaps this could be at the root of my obsessive tendencies that only continue to develop as the operant conditioning continues... I'm only as good as my performance. I am what I do...