Separate names with a comma.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... I have to get something off my chest. At around 1:30 AM this morning, Pacific Standard Time, my mother received a phone call, informing her that her mother (my grandmother) had passed away of natural causes. She was 79 years old. Of course, we had known for weeks that this was going to happen. In less than a month, my grandmother's physical and mental state had deteriorated greatly, to the point that she was no longer capable of taking a shower without assistance, and that she had begun to see things that weren't there. Furthermore, because she had been a cigarette smoker for a significant portion of her life, she had been struggling with COPD for quite some time before she died, and at one point, she even had a heart attack. Even though we were prepared for the worst, we are nonetheless deeply saddened by her passing. My grandmother was a kind, caring and compassionate person. She was also a devout Christian, though she did not go to church. She lived her life to the fullest, and she lived it well. She had lived with us for most of my early childhood, so though I knew her suffering is over and that she is in a better place, it still pains me that she's gone. Now, don't take this to mean that I will be leaving the site for a bit, because even though her loss greatly affects me, I'm not the kind of person who would drop everything just to mourn. No, I keep soldiering on through life, in spite of tragedy. Besides, I don't think she'd want me to just mope around all day and be sad. Like I said, I'm not going anywhere. I simply felt the need to tell all of you about this. Good day to you all.
... ...what am I supposed to say? I have nothing. Absolutely bugger all. I thought Sonichu was bad... and it is... but it PALES in comparison to the absolute horror that awaits us today. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies, gentlecolts, what-have-you; it is my unfortunate duty to present to you... My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing. Imagine, for a moment, the result of taking G3 of MLP and injecting it with elements of the worst seasons of Power Rangers... now imagine that it was being written by an emotionally unstable, unemployed mental case who takes Digimon and Teen Titans way too seriously, and takes offense to the mere EXISTENCE of MLP:FiM. THAT is what we have in store today. But it's not enough for me to review it. Oh, no... no review I could make could do this thing justice. It must be seen to be believed. Therefore, you people are going to suffer with me... Mystery Science Theater 3000/Atop the Fourth Wall style. So grab a beer, joint, or whatever mind-altering substances you have on hand, because by God, you'll need them. To quote the God-Emperor of Mankind himself, "I ᴄᴀɴ ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀ ʀᴏʟʟᴇʀ-ᴄᴏᴀsᴛᴇʀ ʀɪᴅᴇ ᴏғ ᴅɪsᴀᴘᴘᴏɪɴᴛᴍᴇɴᴛ." ---- (Note: Original story in italics, my comments in normal type) Author's notes: Get used to these, folks. Our subject, Dakari-King Mykan (yes, that really is what he calls himself), is in full emokid mode about the whole pony thing. FIM is a BIG MISTAKE to me... Not as big a mistake as this fic. its horrible… Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man. so I guess an alternate universe is in order! No mate... it really isn't. PROLOGUE/INTRO (Deep voice…) "Before time began... there was... the cube." Far off in a distant dimension "...a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. It is as vast as space, and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition; and it lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call... the Twilight Zone." is the magical kingdom of Unicornicopia— *groan* At least Faust was kinda trying with the horse puns. home to many winged unicorns of different sizes and colors. So, alicorns then. All were under the watchful eye of their grand ruler; BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU the legendary tri-horned alicorn, and he was known as that because, unlike any other unicorn, he had three horns instead of one. All, of which, were golden. No *squee!* Sherlock. It was the grand ruler's solemn duty to protect his kingdom, maintain the balances of all nature, and look after the young unicorns. Essentially, he's a bootleg Celestia. (Note: You'll notice that there's a lot of plagiarism in this fic, whether it's from FiM or somewhere else. The author also claims to have not watched a single MLP episode in his life... at least early on. We'll come to that eventually.) Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life, because they were lazy as hell. for they knew that the real magic came from the magic of believing! ...so they're Christian fundamentalists now, too? But then, evil forces to attack the kingdom, Could you say that again in English, please? led by a powerful and evil sorcerer from another dimension who sought to obtain all the magic he could find, and rule all worlds and all dimensions with darkness and chaos. This guy managed to rip off Tirek before Tirek even existed in the FiM canon. Very impressive, indeed. The unicorns tried to reason with him but the sorcerer merely scoffed at their friendly ways, and talk of believing, Unicornicopians: Excuse me sir, do you have time to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ the Grand Ruler? and unleashed his dark magic, and was promptly arrested for indecent exposure. threatening the entire kingdom with chaos and destruction. The unicorns band together, Your tense swaps have triggered my inner grammar Nazi. but proved to be no match for the magic that threatened their world, and then they all died. THE END... I wish. but when all hope seemed lost, The Grand Ruler leapt into action to defend his kingdom and subjects, and using the power of his golden horn, Oh, so he has ONE horn now? Make up your damn mind, Mykan! he unleashed the mighty magic of the uniforce…! Not as mighty as the Triforce, of course; which was three times as powerful and didn't suck. The sorcerer was overpowered and conquered! Despite calls for his death, The Grand Ruler, unfortunately, survived. whom many feared too kind, merely banished the fallen sorcerer to the Dimension of Darkness as fitting punishment for his treachery. Ah yes, the "Sealed Evil in a Can" punishment. So unique and original, haven't seen that before! The sorcerer vowed to one day return to finish what started, and all that existed would belong to him. They had no chance to survive make their time. In time, the events and the threat were forgotten, Personally, I WANT to forget them. and peace returned to Unicornicopia where the unicorns continued to live their lives through the magic of believing. … A small white unicorn, with a brown short mane, and a marking "AO0C" on his chest armor Because why have unique symbols that show what a character's talents are when you can have boring old serial numbers? Also, they have power armor, apparently. Please don't tell me he ripped off Warhammer 40K as well. finished the story. His companion, a small fairy with long blonde hair, and wearing a pink skirt felt puzzled. ...I'm not going to waste a perfectly good Denzel Crocker reference on this fic. I have standards, dammit. "So it really does exist, Lightning…?" she asked. "It sure does, Krysta." I'm sad that I know that the fairy is taken from FernGully: The Last Rainforest. responded Lightning McQueen. "But I don't know why The Grand Ruler told me to come here, or why he wants me to be his apprentice. He knows I can't do magic just like other unicorns." It was true! Though Lightning Dawn was indeed a unicorn, for some reason he just couldn't seem to perform magic like any other could. The only thing unusual about him was he had a golden horn, but he still didn't understand. Dakari-King Mykan presents: The Horse with the Golden Horn Still, he and Krysta had only just arrived in Unicornicopia the other day, and had just settled into Lightning's new tower-house, in a part of the Kingdom called White Village, which was oddly enough a white supremacist town. and he was instructed by his master, The Grand Ruler… "Once you arrive, you should go out and meet your newfound future friends and comrades. They have already been told of your coming and are anxious to meet you, Ew, gross. They don't need to know about Lightning's "coming." and may very well help you, but no matter where you go, Lightning, and no matter what you do… I will always be watching. ALWAYS. Even when you sleep. always remember to believe." Lightning could hardly understand what all this "Believing" was supposed to mean either. That makes two of us. "Well we won't know just sitting around here." said Krsyta. Lightning: Wait, who are you? And have you seen Krysta? "We should get going." Lightning smiled and agreed, and as he spread his wings for takeoff, "Hey, Krsyta…? Thanks, you know… for always hanging with me and stuff." The little fairy smiled and pecked Lightning on the cheek. Fun fact: Krysta is part chicken. "Lightning, if anyone should be thankful, it's me." She meant that, for a very good reason, but now was not the time to be thinking of that as Krysta sat on Lightning's head and Lightning took off over the lands of his new home. (Note: The original story had a theme song {Yes, really. Mykan is actually writing this like a Saturday morning cartoon}, which has been omitted for your mental safety. I'm not that cruel.) Author's notes: I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE! I'd like to see you try and make me. Things are going to be different around here. Understatement of the century. ---- THE RETURN OF EVIL: Part 1 There were many different places in Unicornicopia; most were named after their colors. And we can add Pokémon to the list of things Mykan has ripped off. Bluesville… Greenland… The latter of which is actually very icy. Orange-Range… but the central and largest area was called Rainbow City Central, where most Unicorns went to have fun, or do their duties. Turns out putting all the bathrooms in Unicornicopia in one city was a bad idea. Lightning could see them all down below, the anthropomorphic unicorns Oh great, now he's dragging the furries into this. As if they haven't got a bad enough reputation. having fun, going to work, or some just flying around. "I should find someplace to land." said Lightning "Not around here. It's too crowded." said Krysta. With that, they both decided to fly around and look for someplace soft. There was a nice vacant area near a large garden with vegetables and beautiful flowers and plants. The perfect place to land…! "Wow!" exclaimed Lightning as he gazed at the lovely flowers. "Double wow!" added Krysta ...too easy. as she hovered around sniffing the many sensational smells. "Mmm…!" But then her nose began to twitch, "Ah… Ah… Ah-Ah…!" ♪Stayin' alive, stayin' alive...♪ "Krysta…?" cried Lightning "Krysta, No!" but Krysta had already sneezed "AH-CHOO…!" and even though she was just a little fairy, that single sneeze caused the flower she sniffed to keel over and lose all its petals. "Oh! Oh my!" cried Krysta. Krysta: Seasonal allergies... my one true weakness! That's when a red unicorn came dashing over. "Oh, no…! Not again?" he groaned as he gently began to scoop the fallen flower into a pot. Krysta apologized but the red unicorn said it wasn't her fault. "They always keel over when they make someone sneeze. I can fix it, no problem. There's no finer gardener than me." Lightning was amazed. "You mean, you grew all this?" he asked. The other unicorn nodded. "My name's Buddy Rose. Code-Number: FT5H. I'm the caretaker of the community garden. I can handle any flower, tree, weed- Lightning: Did you say "weed?!" Buddy: Hell yeah, dude! 420 blaze it! *they high-five* anything that grows." and in no time at all, the flower Krysta had ruined was standing upright again, and Buddy didn't seem to use any form of magic but rather ordinary gardening. "Hmm!" remarked Lightning. "That's amazing. Oh by the way… I'm…" "Lightning Dawn…? I know." said Buddy. "The Grand Ruler told everyone to expect you." Buddy: Let's hope you... measure up. *ba dmm tss* "Uh… yeah… he did." said Lightning. Buddy hated to dash off but he had a few other vegetables to take care of. "Oh I'm sorry to impose, but could you do me a really big favor?" he asked while giving Lightning a small basket of vegetables. "Ugh…!" "Could you take these to the Rainbow Dish Inn, Coincidence? I think NOT! when you go through town? Please?" and before Lightning could answer, Buddy had gone off, "Thank you!" he called back. "Perfect!" Lightning scoffed. "Well… that went well." joked Krysta. … It was a good thing that Unicornicopians were anthropomorphic, meaning Lightning could just stand upright and walk on his hind legs while using his front legs like arms to carry the basket. "Gee, I sure am thankful I can walk on two legs," said no one ever. "Oh! This is heavy…!" he groaned. Krysta wished she could help. Though she was small, some of her fairy magic allowed her to lift objects hundreds of times her own weight, but the basket was much too big and heavy for her. "Why don't you sit and rest?" she suggested. "Good idea!" Lightning panted and slumped down on a bench, almost dropping the basket. "Oh! My poor hooves..!" Really? A small basket of vegetables is heavy? God, Lightning's a wimp. I could lift a small basket with one hand! It was times like this Lightning hated the fact he couldn't do magic. Suddenly he heard someone say, "Excuse me…?" The voice belonged to an orange unicorn, wearing a red artist's hat, just up ahead who was painting on a canvas. "…you kind of walked into the way of the scenery." "Ugh!" groaned Lightning, but then the other unicorn caught the sight of Krysta. "Is that a…fairy?" His eyes lit up like the sun. The unicorn slowly raised a knife and fork as he licked his lips. "Hold still, please!" he said with excitement. Krysta felt confused, but did as she was told, and in almost no time the artist showed her and Lightning his painting. "I shall call it… Fairy in the park." Krysta thought it was incredible. It looked so real and she seemed so beautiful in the picture, much to Lighting's dismay that "I notice I'm not in there." he said to himself. A wimp AND a narcissist. We haven't gotten to the villains yet, and ALREADY I'm rooting for them. That's a bad sign, in case you haven't noticed. The unicorn introduced himself as Artie. Code-number: HV7J. He loved to pain, Masochist. Got it. draw, and sculpt. "You should come to my art gallery sometime, both of you." I'm scared to know what's on display at that gallery. Krysta's eyes lit up, "We'd love to." She said. "Yes… but we have an errand to." Lightning quickly said English, dude... English. as he scooped Krysta in his right wing. "Let's go, Krysta!" and he ran off with the basket of vegetables, much to Artie's confusion, but he couldn't wait to tell all his viewers that he had just seen and painted a real-live fairy. Artie would later be sectioned and thrown in an asylum. Krysta thought that was rude of Lightning. But Lightning thought Artie was a little too eccentric, What constitutes "eccentric" in your mind, Mykan? especially how the way he acted as if he had never seen a fairy before, but that was pretty much the case as Krysta was the only fairy in the entire dimension, In other words, how any normal individual would react. but that wasn't important now. Ugh... adding Airplane! to the list of things ripped off. Right now they were exiting the park and could see the city up ahead, but what Lightning couldn't see, as the basket was blocking his view, was a yellow unicorn right out in front of him. CRASH! Bandicoot? The vegetables were everywhere. Lightning felt the whole world spinning. "What hit me?" he groaned. He got up and the yellow unicorn apologized. (WARNING: THE NEXT CHARACTER TO BE INTRODUCED MAY BE CONSIDERED WORSE THAN JAR JAR BINKS, SCRAPPY-DOO, AND ADOLF HITLER COMBINED. IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT, THERE IS STILL TIME TO STOP READING. WE WON'T BLAME YOU. EVERYONE ELSE, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.) "I'm very sorry to have knocked you down. I was in hurry to get into town." See? I warned you. Again, if you want to turn back, you still can. Lightning apologized too, as she should have watched where he was going. You're telling me. He and Krysta, along with the other unicorn picked up the vegetables and putting them back in the basket… "I'll help you as part of my task." said the unicorn "Say! Are you Lightning Dawn, may I ask?" "Uh… yes… I am…." answered Lightning "And this is Krysta." "Um… do you always speak like that?" asked Krysta. Krysta, you don't just ask people that kind of question. That's very rude. The unicorn chuckled… "If you mean if I always speak in rhyme… The answer is yes… all the time." "My name is XL7Z. But if you wish, you may call me Rhymey. I love to speak in Rhyme, you see. …as well as writing odes and poetry…" Rhymey, you need to shut up, because really, I hated you when you were still called Wheelie. "I was on my way to a rendezvous… …when I accidently ran into you I hope that in future we can chat, But if you'll excuse me, I must scat." *vomits* Someone pass the brain bleach... please. Then he flew off leaving a much confused but amazed Krysta and Lightning. "Wow! He sure loves to rhyme." said Krysta. "And to think we'll that when we meet him next time." added Lightning. Then he and Krysta realized they both just made a rhyme, and they were both not amused. As were the readers. Also, try that last sentence in English, Lightning. I don't speak bad fic. ---- I think we'll stop here for now to give ourselves some time to recover. Expect Part 2... eventually. I don't really have a schedule for these things. Sorry. @Tyro D. Fox *bork*
Welcome to 2009, when it's perfectly fine to dress like a Square Enix fever dream's idea of a ninja at Comic-Con and expect to return home with your nose completely unharmed. Jesus Christ, I knew I'd have to get to this one eventually... So, anyone who remembers the mid-to-late 2000s and was on the Internet for longer than 4.2 picoseconds will probably remember a little thing called Naruto, a manga about a young boy who is a ninja and behaves suspiciously like Son Goku after a full frontal lobotomy. And of course, like any shonen anime from the period, it got a video game or twenty, and we'll be looking at one of them today. This game is a 3D fighting game in the tradition of Tekken or Virtua Fighter, where you play as various characters from the Naruto universe. This game is best played with the mute function activated on your TV, because whenever you navigate the main menu, Naruto's nails-on-a-chalkboard voice will be there to patronize you through EVERY. SINGLE. OPTION. What's that? Multi-player is for 2 or more players? Gee, I wouldn't have guessed!! So there's a free fight mode, a VS mode, and an arcade mode based on the first few arcs of the anime. Graphically, it's cel-shaded and manages to replicate the anime's character designs well enough, but then again, this is an anime license on the Nintendo GameCube were dealing with here. Gameplay is incredibly tedious, as no matter who your character or opponent is, all you have to do is mash the B button (or hold it down if you have a turbo controller), occasionally tap left or right on the D-pad or analog stick, and you'll win without fail, every single time. As to be expected from Naruto, the story is clichéd, narmy, and terrifyingly similar to that of Dragon Ball, and the dialog is among the most stilted and idiotic this side of the Star Wars prequels. Overall, the game is bland, boring, and uninspired. I suppose fans of the franchise will like it, in much the same way that Law & Order fans will enjoy jury duty. And now, it's time for the traditional closing thiughts from seven horses you may or may not be aware of: ...that is, it would be... if the game hadn't put them to sleep. Fair enough. FINAL RATING: bleh/10 @Tyro D. Fox IT HURTS TO CORNFLAKES
British users will probably be more familiar with the Commodore Amiga than most of us damn Yankees will be, due to the thing selling like hot cakes across the pond, whereas here it was utterly curbstomped by the IBM PC juggernaut. ALL HAIL THE OVERLORD. ALL HAIL THE OVERLORD. But honestly, I'll be glad to educate my gun-toting, hamburger-eating brethren as to just what the hell an Amiga even is, so that way this review can be understood by more than just those who actually probably owned one back in the day. You see, the Commodore Amiga was a home computer released in 1985, and while it was considered a rich man's toy here due to how ahead of its time (and therefore, expensive) it was, in the UK, it sold better than tickets to a Beatles concert. It looks like this. Well, one of the models, anyway. Now with that out of the way, let's discuss the 1988 cult classic anime film, AKIRA. Which, incidentally, predicted the 2020 Olympics. Since I have unfortunately not seen the film in question, all I know about it is that it's set in the at-the-time-of-release future year of 2019, in a post-WWIII Tokyo, and it's about some gang wars and government operations. Hopefully, I have that about right. So what happens when you combine the two? Well... I had heard the resulting game was bad, like, "worse than E.T." bad, but I had guessed that this was just an exaggeration. Hope you like this level, guys. That's all you'll see without cheating. I was wrong. MOTHER OF GOD, I WAS SO WRONG. THE FIRST FREAKING LEVEL... Where do I start? The bike is too damn slow, you'll hit enemies more often than not, and good luck trying to clear gaps with these horrendously muddy controls and hit detection. You have to line up exactly to jump over the ramps and clear the gaps in the highway. Thankfully, for those of you insane enough to want to see the other levels, hopefully with access to Amiga games and the Internet in that cozy, padded cell of yours, there is a password system and the passwords can easily be found online. However, the later levels ARE EVEN WORSE. There are platforming sections, and they control FAR WORSE than the initial bike level. You will never jump properly enough to clear platforms unless you are lucky and all the planets align. Oh, and guess what?! It gets better! One of them is a sewer level! After 4 platforming levels, there's probably two of the worst shoot-em-up levels in existence, with controls that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemies, followed by a final platforming section/final boss. Without giving too much away, it's fitting that this flowering cornucopia of unmitigated digital abortion ends with what has to be the worst thing ever. So, what do I think of this game? Well, let me make it clear that there is no hyperbole in me saying that not only is this the worst game I have ever played, but possibly the worst game ever, period. Yes, even worse than the game you're thinking of. Nothing about this game is enjoyable. The graphics, for 1994, are barely worthy of a Sega Genesis launch title, and the gameplay is utterly atrocious. While I haven't seen the film, so I can't say for sure, I'm almost certain the developers screwed that up, too. Now, normally, this is where I'd bring in the Mane Six to give their thoughts, but here, is it really necessary? I've said all that needs to be said, and this travesty is unworthy of such redundant wish fulfillment. Oh, and one final bit of trivia, around the same time, THQ was planning to release a separate AKIRA game for the SNES, Genesis, Game Boy, Game Gear, and Sega CD, but for some reason, it was cancelled, and this piece of dreck was the only AKIRA game released in the West for quite some time. Needless to say, the unreleased console game must have been MILES BETTER. I will not dignify this abomination with a rating, because to be quite honest, no concept conceivable to humans could summarize the utter incompetence and frustration that is this game. @Tyro D. Fox please end my pain
Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope you guys have been sa- ... Oh, right. Halloween was last month. Nonetheless, I have something truly terrifying for you people: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. So without further ado, let's begin. After a title sequence ripped almost wholesale from the first film, we pick up where it left off: with our heroes (60% of whom had been recast) celebrating their victory in the Mortal Kombat tournament. But dark forces have decided to crash the party, as the skies darken and weirdos begin falling out of thin air. And the chief weirdo is Shao Kahn, final boss of the second and third games, played by a cheap Vin Diesel look-alike. I don't think I needed the leader of Outworld to be a white guy, thanks. He announces his presence by referencing the Bible, presumably because the producers were jealous of Raul Julia's performance in Street Fighter. Afterwards, we meet Princess Kitana (played by Talisha Soto)'s mother, Sindel, played by-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *deep breath* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Seriously?! There's practically NO age difference between the two actresses, and the makeup department hasn't even attempted to hide that! Anyway, after that violation of biology, we have ourselves a fight scene with terrible special effects, in which Kahn snaps the neck of Johnny Cage. Oh, real nice, they replace 3/5 of the leads and one of them bites it less then 10 minutes in. Real class act. Our heroes flee into the nearby Shaolin Temple, where Raiden spouts a jumble of exposition at everyone else, something about Sindel holding portals open, honestly, I don't know and I don't care. Everyone climbs into the worlds most awkward hamster ball, which apparently "move so fast it's as if they're not moving," whatever the hell that means. After they arrive at their destinations, our heroes look for help in defeating their newest foes. What follows for almost the remainder of the film is alternating between fight scenes and exposition dumps, and also Sub-Zero's brother is hanging out. And Scorpion got ressurected between movies somehow (and kidnaps Kitana). Yes, in the games, he made some kind of Faustian pact in Outworld but the film doesn't tell us this. But yes, about 90% of the film is filler, mostly to justify the Mortal Kombat name. Once the plot finally continues, our heroes arrive in Outworld, with MOAR FIGHTING ENSUING. As Sindel is defeated off-screen, however, the worlds begin to merge, followed by more fights and exposition, and Sindel survived because they were tricked by some chick named Jade. Apparently, Kahn and Raiden are also literally bros. So now our heroes (by which I mean Liu Kang, played by Robin Shou) must defeat and kill Kahn, which they (he) do because of course they (he) do. Movie over. See how short this review is? That's because this movie couldn't hold my attention. And considering it's an action movie based on a fighting game, there's no excuse why this abortion was screened in theaters. Everything this film does is wrong. The writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the pacing is wrong, the dialogue is wrong, the camera work is wrong, the effects are wrong, the characters are wrong, the acting is wrong, the fights are wrong, the soundtrack (minus the re-used opening from the first film) is wrong, the editing is wrong, the 1997 release date is wrong (between this and Batman and Robin, 1997 was a bad year for cinema), the budget is wrong, the studio execs are wrong, everything is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrongwrongwrongwrongWRONGWRONGWRONGWRONGWR-- ... Normally, I would consult the ponies for their thoughts, but luckily for them, they're busy settling a trade dispute in Neighgeria. FINAL RATING: DIE IN A HOLE/10 @Tyro D. Fox SAVE ME FROM THE NOTHING I'VE BECOME
God, it's been a while since I've done one of these... I know, let's fix that! So, Luigi... cowardly second fiddle to Mario and Italian/Italian-Brooklynese (depending on if you accept the games or cartoons as his canon backstory) plumber. He's almost like Fluttershy, except human. And Italian. And a plumber. And while the critically acclaimed Luigi's Mansion for the GameCube is his first good outing as the main player character in a vidya gaem, it wasn't the first time. Oh, nooooo... Look upon it and know hell. (North American boxart pictured) Today we'll be looking at Mario is Missing! for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Now, since I don't have an NES, I am forced to emulate this puppy. Sorry, purists, but that's the way it's gonna have to be. Also, the ROM I will be using for this is a bootleg multicart called Mario 7-in-1, which not only has Mario is Missing, but also Super Mario Bros. 3 and, well... Spoiler: WARNING: Strong language in the commentary ...yeaaaaaah... Let's begin. First off, I must say, I'm impressed with how the developers managed to translate the look of Super Mario World to the NES. It's really, really well done. Music's not too bad, either. So we start off with a recreation of the castles in SMW, complete with a not-too-shabby NES version of the Castle theme. Presentation is great for an NES port of a DOS game from 1992. Controls are fine. Just what you'd expect from a Mario game. So we go through the first door, go down the pipe on the left and then... Wait, what? I know the Mario Bros. are supposed to be from Italy or Brooklyn or whatever, but are we really playing a Mario game set on freaking EARTH?!? AND NOT THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM?!?! NOOO!!! NOOOOOO!!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!!! DOESNOTCOMPUJASDJGFAODS Also, what's with the landmark stuff? Should this game be called Super Mario Bros.: Independence Day? Dear pesky plumbers, the Koopalings and I have taken over the Earth. The President of the United States is now a permanent guest at one of my seven Koopa Hotels. I dare you to find him if you can! So, you jump on a Koopa, and he drops a bag of money. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. So, from the looks of things, I'm in Rome. After a bit of looking around, I finally figure out that I'm supposed to go to the Colosseum and return the spear. But first... The hell? I want to play a game, not take a history test! Wait... Oh crap... this is an educational game. SH*yay*. So I answer the question, I return the spear, and I'm on my way. As in, I'm on my way AWAY FROM THE GAME!! Honestly, I feel cheated. The presentation and controls were nice, but everything else is just learning crap. I don't turn on an NES and expect to learn things. That's what the Apple II is for. Good night, sweet prince... So yes, it's pretty obvious I don't like it. But now let's hear from the ponies: Starlight: *eye twitch* You can't be serious. Mario wasn't meant to teach things. Unless it's typing. And he's a floating head popping corny jokes. Twilight: Mario is Missing! is far better aesthetically than it has any right to be, but it doesn't excuse the confusing layout and the thinly-veiled educational factor, which don't belong in a Mario game. Rarity: Whose idea was this? Even though it looked alright, the NES just wasn't equipped to display a map of the Earth accurately without some distortion. Not to mention the gameplay... ugh... Applejack: Eenope. *trots out of room, making a gesture I assume to be the Equestrian equivalent of the double finger behind her* So much nope... Rainbow Dash was so angry she threw my USB controller into my monitor. Luckily, she missed. She couldn't be bothered to comment. Pinkie Pie had fallen asleep in the desk chair from boredom. She is still asleep as I type this, but I moved her to the couch in the living room. Fluttershy: *sad sigh* I'll just go play Luigi's Mansion. It may be scary, but at least it's not trying to teach me things. FINAL RATING: NO/10 @Tyro The Fox So, when you gonna make the next community post?
I, for one, welcome our new horse empress! So I was browsing TV Tropes today, when I stumbled upon a tale of some guy playing a Civilization clone exploiting the game so that he could put a horse (which he promptly named Rainbow Dash) in charge of a reunified Roman Empire. Yes, really. But don't take my word for it, here's the link to the madness.
A little idea that just came to me. Let me know what you guys think. :3 (Based loosely on Star Trek: First Contact) ----- "Foolish unicorn..." muttered Commander Hurricane under his breath as he approached Shining Armor. "Now isn't the time for this," he replied, looking off in the distance. Hurricane sighed. "I know naught about thy time," he began, "but the ponies under thy command doth believe that fighting the Changelings is suicidal. They only fear to speak of this to thee." "They're only following my orders." "Indeed, however, perchance they doth not see reason in them?" "Nopony understands the Changelings like I do," Shining Armor said, turning to face the pegasus leader. "nopony ever can." "And what, pray tell, art thou implying?" Shining Armor sighed. "Two years ago... my then-fiancee was abducted and replaced by their leader before the wedding. She had us all fooled, and by the time somepony was doing something about it, I was already under her mind control. My free will, stripped away. So you can imagine, sir, that I have a unique perspective on the Changelings, and I know how to fight them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do!" Suddenly, a realization hit Hurricane like his namesake. "Oh, what folly hath befallen me!" he said smugly. "'Tis simple... the Changelings hath attacked thee, and now, thou doth wish to attack them in return!" "In my time, we don't succumb to revenge! We've evolved past such petty things!" "Lies!" replied Hurricane, "Didst thee not enjoy thy assault on the Changeling horde in the Earth pony stronghold?!" Shining was really upset now. "How dare you?!" he demanded in rage. "Do not deny it, Prince! For thou art not the first pony to enjoy slaughter, nor shalt thou be the last!" "GET AWAY FROM ME!!" "And if I do not?" replied Hurricane, even more smugly, "Shalt thou execute me, as was the fate of poor Stormfeather?!" Shining Armor hung his head in guilt. "I couldn't save him," he said somberly. "But thee didst not so much as make an attempt to do so!" replied Hurricane sternly. "I don't have time for-" "My apologies, I didst have no intention of interrupting thy quest for vengeance," said Hurricane, rolling his eyes. "This isn't about revenge!" raged Shining Armor, "It's about protecting the future of all ponykind!" "Prince Armor, THOU MUST EVACUATE THY BLASTED COMPOUND AT ONCE!!" Hurricane demanded, more commanding than before. "NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" As Shining Armor belowed in rage, he fired a beam from his horn, destroying the shelf of miniature ponies in front of him. "NO MORE SACRIFICES! NO MORE COMPROMISES! NO MORE RETREATS! NO MORE SURRENDER!" Shining Armor shouted in violent fury, "THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN, AND IT WILL BE DRAWN HERE!! THE CHANGELINGS WILL PAY FOR ALL THE HARM THEY'VE CAUSED, I SWEAR ON IT!!" "Wouldst thy wife wish to see thou taketh such drastic choice of action?!" said Hurricane inquisitively. This caused Shining Armor to freeze in shock and think for a moment. The words of the pegasus commander echoed through his head, as if in a cave, as images of Cadence flashed through his mind. Wouldst thy wife wish to see thou taketh such drastic choice of action?! "You're right," he said quietly, "Tell the others to begin evacuation preparations."
I need to talk about something serious. Well, not "politics" serious, but "industry" serious. So, what is the first sentence to come to mind when you think of the iPhone? If you answered, "There's an app for that," then congratulations, you know what we're talking about today. If you go on the App Store (or Google Play if you use Android), you will find millions, if not billions, of games. And chances are, if they aren't called Angry Birds or Candy Crush Saga, it's either a free-to-pay watered down version of a contemporary AAA console game, a port of a Flash game, a Farmville clone, or a Clash of Clans wannabe. It's almost impossible to find any good games. It's like finding a needle in a Mt. Everest-sized haystack. And what's worse is that Apple and Google have almost no control over what gets released on the App Store or Google Play. Now, anyone who has a basic knowledge of video game history (or simply anyone old enough to have seen the Atari 2600 in stores) should have alarm bells ringing in their heads. This is because this is almost the exact same circumstances that led to a little something called the Video Game Crash of 1983, except many times worse. (For those who don't know, Google it.) Apple and Google need to step up their game if they want to keep making money of off the mobile gaming industry, or else the App Store and Google Play may collapse the same way the Atari 2600 did.
I don't really have something to review this time, so instead, I'm going to introduce a new feature to my blog, called Bootleg Showcase, where I show off the weirdest, worst, and funniest bootlegged products ever made. First, a question needs answered: What is a bootleg? A bootleg is a product intended to resemble another, superior product, such as official licensed merchandise or popular electronic devices, and are often imported from developing nations such as China, and are usually then sold in flea markets or on the black market. With that out of the way, and without further ado, let's begin with a toy with the most hilarious name ever: A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a toy that does not exist. Yes, it really is spelled that way on the box. Moving on from the hilarious typo, this is essentially a knockoff of a Zeemon toy from the Gobots line of toys, which, to those who don't know, only existed in the mid-1980s as an attempt by Tonka to cash in on the Transformers craze. This particular toy, however, is apparently intended to be modeled after KITT, the talking car from Knight Rider. Which is strange, because I don't remember the episode where KITT got a paint job resembling a rejected NERF gun. Nor do I remember him trying out for an empty spot on the Autobots. Speaking of well-known sentient vehicles that have inexplicably become Transformers... I know the Japanese version of Power Rangers has a season where the Zords are trains, but this is ridiculous. Yes, apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to turn the popular British preschool franchise about sentient trains into freaking Voltron. Not that I'm complaining, because the idea is so patently ridiculous that it becomes awesome. It's as if someone decided to turn Barney the Dinosaur into a kaiju. Someone needs to make a fanfic where Thomas and his friends become a combining giant mech to fight a gigantic Barney the Dinosaur, who tries to tear Manhattan a new one. And with that, we segue into the next bootleg seemingly adapted from a drug-induced fanfiction... This is so bizarre I don't even know where to begin. In the center, we have Superman, and Batman to Superman's right. Okay, reasonable so far. Then, we see Spider-Man to Batman's left. Well, Spider-Man's a Marvel character, and Supes and Bats are from DC, but the two companies have made crossover comics before, so I can forgive this. To Supes's left, we have the Blue SPD Power Ranger. Well, alright, so still technically a superhero, so we're still in reasonable territory, albeit at the very edge. And then, we see, to Spidey's right... Shrek? Well, okay, he's at least humanoid, so I let that pass. To the left of the SPD Blue Ranger... Is that... is that a blue Lightning McQueen? This is the strangest attempt at a superhero team I've ever seen. And of course, the name is in gloriously mistranslated English, as ever. Also, if you look at the Shrek figure, he's looking a little derped, which brings us to... A wild eldritch abomination appeared! ...this... thing... apparently modeled after Misty from the original Pokémon anime, in the same way that North Korea is based on democracy. It looks as if someone turned Misty into a lobotomized Cabbage Patch Kid and encased her in hard plastic. While the Misty figure was probably designed by someone with no knowledge of the character besides what he was told over the phone by some kid who watched the anime, this last bootleg was apparently made by people who have no grasp on non-Chinese culture... ORIGINAL CHARACTER DO NOT STEAL I really don't think I need to explain what's wrong with this one. All in all, I think it's safe to say that if you get one of these for Christmas, the person who got it must be either really cheap or really old. Or both. Regards to @Tyro The Fox for keeping this website running.
My Little Pony, My Little Pony Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh My Little Pony Transformers More than meets the eye (I used to wonder what friendship could be) My Little Pony Transformers Robots in disguise (Until you all shared its magic with me) Big adventure, tons of fun A beautiful heart faithful and strong Sharing kindness is an easy feat And magic makes it all complete, yeah Autobots wage their battle to destroy The evil forces of The Decepticons My Little Pony Transformers Do you know you’re all my very best frieeeeeeeends My Little Pony Transformers
Well, my review series is undergoing a slight rebrand. I'm dropping the whole "Morphin at the (insert place relating to medium in question here)" thing in place of the simpler and easier to keep track of "Morphin Reviews," with the original reason for that name being rendered moot considering Crimson Lionheart is back to using this site. Also, my ratings system will be changed to a simple 1-10 scale. No stars, no fake IGN quote, just a rating and that's it. It's just so hard to keep track of all the quotes and converting the scale rating to stars. But I assure you, the Mane Cast at the end will NOT be going away. So with that out of the way... let's begin. A lot of you are familiar with the "retro gaming review" format that's been going around the Internet for quite some time now. And every reviewer has a console with which they have the most fond memories of. The Angry Video Game Nerd has his NES, JonTron has his Super Nintendo, Caddicarus (for the uninitiated, think JonTron, but British) has his PS1, but for me, it all goes back to the original Xbox. "I can't see me lovin' nobody but you... for all my LIIIIIIIIIIFE..." At the time this baby came out in 2001, Sega had just left the console market, and everyone thought that America would never be able to make a successful console again after what happened with the Atari Jaguar. So to see this black behemoth burst onto the scene with Halo as its primary trump card was just insane. But I didn't know any of this at the time, because I was only six years old when we got it for Christmas of 2004. By that time, Halo 2 was already out and the 360 was only a year away. It was the first home console I had ever played (my first console PERIOD was the Game Boy Advance), and GOD DAMN was it enjoyable. One of the earlier games I had for it was A Series of Unfortunate Events, based on the movie that came out around the same time which was based on the book series of the same name. A movie tie-in game... So 's gon' be one o' THOSE days, innit? For those who don't know, A Series Of Unfortunate Events is a book series detailing the life and times of three children by the surname of Baudelaire, whose parents died in a fire and they end up taken in by their uncle, Count Olaf, who's got to have... MONEY!!! More specifically, the Baudelaire money. And now the three orphans have to do a ton of crazy stuff to survive. Sounds like an interesting game, right? Let's find out. Now, I know almost nothing about the books or film apart from the latter starring Jim Carrey, so I'm going to see how this stands up on its own. So right off the bat, we get a narrator who sounds like he's been spending too much time on TV Tropes. Once we get to the actual game, we see graphics that are about as detailed as Resident Evil 2, complete with an eye-pleasing color palette made entirely of BROWN. Controlling your character is an interesting exercise in frustration, in that moving the left stick sends them running faster than Rainbow Dash on crack cocaine. You can't really get precision control thanks to how slippery and sensitive the movement is. Controlling the camera simply amounts to rotating your view left and right, and it can barely keep up with your movement thanks to how fast they're going In this game, your goal is to find things lying around Count Olaf's mansion and turn them into devices that can pretty much solve all of your problems for you, which I admit is an interesting mechanic. So the first thing we're going to make is what amounts to a portable punching device, and we're going to be using it to beat a rat infestation to death. To do this, we need a boxing glove, a spring, a coffee can, and a broom. To get the broom, we need to go through a ventilation shaft as the baby, and here I was expecting it to be a bit more like Die Hard in a mansion, but no, instead, we get a baby sliding on steam pipes at the speed of sound. You have to time your jumps carefully to avoid falling into pits or getting hit by steam. When you die, the narrator will make some sort of sarcastic remark, a la King's Quest or similar adventure games from the MS-DOS era, which is kind of a nice touch. In fact, throughout the tutorial, the narrator is prone to snarking at levels that dwarf the likes of Professor Snape. I suppose they're trying to make it feel a bit more like the source material this way. So anyway, now we're through that mess, and... wait, was I just asked to bite through metal pipes?!? Okay, we all know babies like to bite things, but at that age, their teeth are still developing, so unless you come from the planet Krypton or something, trying to bite through metal as a baby will lead to some very high dental bills down the road, to say the least. But, eh, it's just a game, I'll roll with it. However, whenever you're supposed to use the action button (i.e. the B button), a little icon pops up on screen every single time as if the game assumes you have the attention span of a goldfish with Alzheimer's and ADHD. It's kind of insulting and patronizing, especially from a game that is full of snark and genre savvy humor such as this. Now we've got the broom, so we're just putting the device together. It's simple, really. Rotate the piece and press A when the little X pops up, rinse and repeat three times until you've got everything in place. So now we've got our punching device, which we use to punch rats (and presumably, other enemies) with. Then a box just falls out of the sky. I have no idea. I should mention that attacking feels quite gratifying, and your punches have a definite force behind them. Also, I just now noticed that the right trigger lets you enter a first-person perspective. Kinda like Metal Gear Solid... only, y'know... meh. And now all the rats are dead, and now we have to kill spiders with some more noodle implements. And then some guy with two hook hands shows up, and now we have to fight him with the punchy thing, I guess? So he's chucking barrels at us like Donkey Kong, and we avoid them and hit him once and then... We hit him once, and we beat him. ... Anticlimax, much? You see, when a minor antagonist gets a cutscene to himself, and you have to fight him, I expect some kind of challenge. I want to feel like I earned defeating him. Also, I have to point out that the voice actors were taken directly from the movie itself, which is another thing it has going for it. But while Jim Carrey is deliciously hammy as normal and the two older children are obviously teenagers, so their voice acting is forgiveable, nearly every other performance, with the sole exception of Tim Curry as the narrator, feels a little bland in terms of delivery. It was around this point I gave up on the game. Overall, I found this game boring, to be honest. The invention mechanics, sarcastic narration and voice actors from the movie are all good things going for it, but a patronizing interface, slippery controls, and anticlimactic enemies make it a chore to play through. Not exactly bad for a turn-of-the-millenium movie licensed game, but it's still no Spider-Man 2. And now, the Mane 6+1 give their thoughts: Starlight Glimmer: This game doesn't bring much new to the table, and what it does bring to the table may be welcome and refreshing, but it's not enough to save it from the bargain bin. Twilight Sparkle: The Series of Unfortunate Events... uh... series... isn't really meant for an interactive medium, and is better suited for cinema or literature. It had some creativity, but apart from that, it got very monotonous very quickly. Rarity: Ugh, the color selection is EYE-SEARING!! Though I must admit that the Count Olaf character was quite charming in his delivery. Applejack: Uh-huh... why am ah playin' this again? Rainbow Dash was fast asleep on the controller, causing Pinkie Pie to (correctly) assume that the game wouldn't be very fun, and leave. Fluttershy wouldn't even touch the game once I moved Rainbow Dash off of the controller, because she took one look at the cover and booked it. Once Rainbow Dash woke up, the only thing I could get out of her about the game was the following: Rainbow Dash: If your whole motivation for having me play that was boring me to death, then mission freaking accomplished. She then left the room to play Mortal Kombat X with Applejack. I can't say I blame her. FINAL RATING: 5/10 @Tyro The Fox: I need to watch your livestreams more often.
It's been since September since I've done one of these. Let's get the ball rolling, shall we? It's amazing what you can find in the DVD bargain bin of a supermarket if you have the patience to wade through the countless mockbusters, B-movies, schlock compilations, direct-to-video kiddie flicks and Adam Sandler films. In fact, most of the movies I own come from the bargain bin. However, today's film I found in the bargain bin by pure dumb luck, as it apparently wasn't even supposed to be in there. After doing a little negotiation with the guy behind the counter, he reduced the price to the $3.74 promised on the bargain bin, leaving just enough for me to buy two other films. Today's film is, as the title suggests, X-Men: Days of Future Past. The story behind this film is an interesting one, so let's go over the history of the films first. Around 2000, the comicbook superhero film was widely considered dead. A far cry from the days of Christopher Reeve's Superman and Tim Burton's Batman, the American public was sick of superheroes, no doubt thanks to the tidal wave of such films in the 1990s. Many film critics, professional and amateur alike, agree that 1997's one-two punch of Steel (starring Shaquille O'Neal, yes, that Shaq) and Batman and Robin were what put the genre six feet under. (For more info on the latter, check out Crimson Lionheart's review of this trainwreck.) Most of the comicbook superhero films at that time were either based on DC properties (like the aformentioned Steel and Batman and Robin) or those of other, lesser known companies (such as Spawn and The Phantom). Strangely, Marvel, DC's primary competitor, did not have any involvement in theatrical releases whatsoever, preferring to keep their adaptations either direct-to-video or on television. All of that would change when Marvel teamed up with 20th Century Fox to get the Uncanny X-Men to the silver screen. The resulting film, simply titled X-Men, was released to theaters in 2000, to surprisingly overwhelming critical and box-office success. This paved the way for Marvel to license its other franchises, such 2002's equally successful Spider-Man by Columbia Pictures, and eventually, 2008's Iron Man, which not only solidified Robert Downey Jr.'s career comeback after years of on-again-off-again drug rehab, but also jumpstarted the Marvel Cinematic Universe. This also caused DC to throw their hat back in the ring, having a shaky start with 2004's in-name-only adaptation of Catwoman, but eventually got their money's worth with a one-two punch in 2005: Batman Begins, which started the highly acclaimed Christopher Nolan trilogy of films, and the heavily divisive Superman Returns. Of course, the X-Men would continue to be featured in cinema by 20th Century Fox, even after Disney picked up Marvel, thus barring them from the MCU. The X-Men franchise eventually fell into a slump with 2006's X-Men: The Last Stand, but climbed their way back out with 2011's X-Men: First Class, but not before Fox ordered a couple of spinoffs focused on the X-Men's golden boy, Wolverine. Though, considering how Marvel themselves treated Wolvie in the 90s, can we really be surprised? The film that cemented X-Men's re-ascent from its fall from grace, however, was 2014's X-Men: Days of Future Past, which was intended to erase The Last Stand and the two Wolverine movies from continuity. Which is good, because otherwise, the Deadpool movie would have looked like this. Let's look at it, shall we? The film starts off in New York City, and a rather ravaged one at that. As explained by Sir Patrick Stewart, the actor for Professor Xavier, via voiceover, humanity is on the verge of destroying itself, thanks to the prejudices towards mutants and those who sympathize with them. Cut to an equally devastated Moscow, where some mutants seem to be living underground. But the Sentinels, giant robots designed to kill all mutants, have arrived to destroy them. As they drill into the hideout, the mutants try desperately to fight them off. Their efforts prove to be in vain, as the Sentinels kill them off one by one. Is it just me, 0r was this movie partialy inspired by the Terminator franchise? Three billion human lives ended on August 29, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgement Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the Machines. Cut to China, where Xavier, Storm (played by Halle Berry), Wolverine (played by, who else, Hugh Jackman), and Magneto (played by Sir Ian McKellen) meet up with... the mutants from earlier? Turns out they weren't even really killed, it was just some time travel stuff to warn themselves of an attack. Magneto turns to Xavier and suggests that they try out something similar. One of the mutants asks what the hell Magneto is talking about, prompting Xavier to explain the origins of the Sentinel program. It was commissioned by a Bolivar Trask (played by Peter Dinklage), a top-of-the-line weapons engineer in the early 1970s and also a mad scientist, using mutants for purposes the Nazis would be proud of. Trask's research was found by Mystique (played by Jennifer Lawrence), who tracked him down to the Paris Peace Accords in 1973 (which, by the way, marked the end of the war in Vietnam), and then killed him. However, against her intentions, the U.S. government only believed in the need for Trask's program more. She was then captured by the government, who then proceeded to torture and experiment upon her (you know, just like the real U.S. government doesn't do to criminals, as that is a major Geneva Convention violation), and found out using her DNA how she transformed. They then used this as the basis for the Sentinels, allowing them to adapt to mutant abilites. Xavier's plan? Prevent Mystique from killing Trask, and thus stopping the Sentinels from existing. There's just one problem: apparently, the mutant who can send people back in time (or rather, their minds) can't send people back more than a month at most, claiming not even Xavier would survive the process, because even a mind as powerful as Xavier's can only take so much before it breaks. Wolverine, however, volunteers for the trip in Xavier's place, thanks to his ability to repair himself. I could use the Terminator joke again, but that would be as repetitive as every Call of Duty sequel. So they send Wolvie back to 1973, and things get awkward really quickly. Turns out Wolvie was part of some sort of New York mafia in the 70s, and he woke up after getting some with his boss's daughter. Yeah, that's some heavy stuff. (Back to the Future, Cutie Remark, and Terminator jokes all in one review? I may have to put a counter on these.) The mobsters try to attack him, but he heals himself and extends his claws (which weren't covered in adamantium yet) and lays his assailants out, before getting dressed and getting in his car. Cut to Capitol Hill, where Trask is trying to convince the government of the need for his weapon. They don't believe it is necessary because, even though Nixon was president at the time, the government actually had some morals. Well, concerning its own citizens, anyway. A quick Google search will tell you all you need to know about the things America did in Vietnam, and considering one of this site's members is from that country (specifically, Diamond), it's best to leave it at that. Cut to Saigon, Vietnam, where a military officer (I wonder who) stumbles upon a Trask Industries experiment just wrapping up. Then some more militguys show up to run a few more tests, and after the "military officer" calls them out, he turns into Mystique and lays the beatdown on them. One of the experimentees stands up and apparently recognizes Mystique, who then (after reverting to her disguise) escorts him and the others outside for a return trip to America, and then stays behind, changing forms again (this time to her standard human form). Cut to Wolverine at past Xavier's (played by James McAvoy) front gate. When Wolverine comes to the door, he is answered by Hank McCoy (who will be later known as Beast, played by Nicholas Hoult), who promptly asks Wolvie to leave, but Wolverine is undeterred, and he breaks in. He looks for Xavier, but is slowed down by a now Beast-mode Hank. The ruckus gets Xavier's attention. We learn that 70s Xavier is a drug junkie after the events of First Class, and he also lost his powers for a time. A bullet to the spine will do that. Wolverine tells past Xavier everything, and that he needs his help. But Xavier says that he can't help, as Mystique drifted away from him (they were childhood friends, forgot to mention that) and went to Erik Lehnsherr (past Magneto, played by Michael Fassbender), and as a result, wouldn't even listen to Xavier. Wolverine then tells Xavier that they also need Erik's help, prompting a "Hahaha, no" reaction from Xavier. Nothing Wolverine tries convinces Xavier, a broken man who copes with his problems with a serum designed by Hank to suppress mutation. Xavier, however, after a flashback to his childhood, turns his opinion around, still not quite trusting Erik, until Wolverine reveals that Erik sent him back along with Xavier. When the future's in danger, that kind of thing happens. Assuming they believe you. It turns out Erik is being held in the center of the Pentagon for... get this... killing John F. Kennedy. About as good an explanation as any. Wolverine then reveals he knows someone who can get them in. Cut to the Trask Industries building, where Trask is about to leave for Paris, but has to get some things first. Scratch that, it was Mystique all along. So she can change her size now, too? She enters Trask's office, and learns everything she needs to know with relative speed. Cut to the outskirts of DC, where Wolverine and co. pull up outside the house of the guy they're looking for. This is the home of Peter Maximoff (aka Quicksilver, played by Evan Peters). They go inside and convince him with ease, because he is a young criminal, and they set off. While they tour the Pentagon, Wolverine and Quicksilver break away, and Hank jams the security feed. Quicksilver then dons a security officer's uniform, and gets to where he needs to be quickly, obviously, and gets Erik's attention. Vibrating the glass quick enough to shatter it, he triggers the alarm. Of course, you can't have a heist without them finding out at the last possible minute. Otherwise that wouldn't create drama. Hank masks the alarm by triggering the sprinklers, and Quicksilver anticipates the imminent arrival of the guards, breezing past them with Erik once they arrive. Also, Wolverine and Xavier attempt to convince everyone that a lockdown is occuring, when they run into some guards, and Wolverine attacks the guards. Xavier gets the key to the elevator that Erik and Quicksilver are in, and then punches Erik once the door opens. Wow, trust issues seemingly never go away. I know about that. If you lived in my house, you'd understand. So they get ambushed by more guards and as they fire, Quicksilver does some stuff, goes fast, and prevents the bullets from hitting their mark, all the while incapacitating the guards. By now I should probably mention the special effects. They are quite convincing, even for CGI. Makes me almost believe they're actually mutants. But nothing will convince me that the Third Doctor had to deal with real dinosaurs rampaging in London. (Time travel reference counter: 4) So they make their escape in a plane, leaving Quicksilver behind, as Wolverine tells Erik everything. Erik apparently takes this quite well, but he and Xavier get in a fight, almost downing the plane, but Erik collects himself at the last moment. Cut to Paris, where Mystique (in her base human form) is apparently talking with a Vietnamese general. He tries to get in her pants, but this backfires, as she reveals her true form, and chokes him out. I can only assume his last thoughts were "Totally worth it." Back on the plane, Erik reveals that... wait, did he just say he tried to save JFK?! And JFK was a MUTANT?! And Lehnsherr pitches his second curveball to MorphinBrony, who misses it just like the first one. So Erik and Xavier rekindle their friendship, and we cut to Paris, just before the summit, where Trask tries to convince the Vietnamese of his beliefs. He also tells them how to cheat at Pac-Man... oh wait, wrong movie. (And before you ask, I'll get to Pixels eventually. Them time machines ain't cheap.) So Wolvie and co. show up and get inside, as Trask is demonstrating what I shall call his "mutant detector," and it settles on what appears to be the Vietnamese general from earlier (no points for guessing the real identity), who stalls before revealing him/herself. But Wolverine and co. show up just as Mystique is about to pull the trigger. Erik tries to kill her, but Hank stops him and Mystique escapes through the window, the bullet chasing after her, hitting her in the leg. Also, she blows the whole cover of every mutant ever. Wolverine almost goes back into the present thanks to flashbacks, but slips back, albeit with an altered memor, while Hank goes Beast to stop Erik from finishing off Mystique. Erik causes a lot of metal around him to move, while Mystique slips away. Beast doesn't get held back, though and chases after Erik, while Wolverine snaps out of it and follows Xavier out of the building. Also, all of this happened on camera, and old Richard Nixon finds out about it. Trask confirms what is happening, and Nixon approves his Sentinel program. In a Parisian hospital, Mystique is getting treated for her wounds (in her human form), while Erik looks at the blueprints for the Sentinels, and leaves his hotel room, but is ambushed by Mystique, who is holding him at knifepoint. Erik tries to convince her to stop the U.S. government from going through with the Sentinel program, but she won't have it. After returning to Xavier's place, his legs give out and his powers come back. As Hank rushes to get the treatment, Wolverine tells Xavier that he needs his powers to help them find Mystique. He comes to this conclusion as well, and abandons his needle. Remember kids, drugs are bad, especially the superpower-suppressing ones! Meanwhile, Trask analyzes the blood he found on the sidewalk in Paris, and sees with his own eyes what Mystique's DNA is capable of. In Xavier's lab, he puts his powers to use, but he is agonized over the stress on his mind, which overloads the system he uses to enhance his powers. He contemplates giving up, but Wolverine tries to give him a confidence boost by allowing a peek inside his head. Somehow, this causes him to have a conversation with his future self, who convinces him to kick his anxieties to the curb and keep going. That reminds me of that one time, when I was depressed, and nothing like that happened, because like I said, time travel is expensive. On a Trask train, Erik leaps aboard and takes control of a prototype Sentinel. Cut to an airport, where Mystique is approached by Xavier (who is speaking through a bunch of other people who probably have no idea what's going on), trying to keep her from continuing to pursue her agenda, but she refuses. Xavier learns that she was boarding a plane to Washington, D.C., and Hank reveals that he has a device that monitors the broadcasts of all three major broadcast networks at the time as well as PBS (because cable TV was a madman's dream in 1973). Also, hello, ironic Star Trek rerun! It turns out that the President will be announcing the Sentinel program the next day. They resolve to stop her once again. Cut to the Pentagon, where Erik is grabbing his helmet (hidden among continuity porn), while the others fly to Washington, with Wolverine making sure the X-Men exist. Cut to the future, where the Sentinels are about to arrive. At the presidential announcement, Xavier tricks the guards into letting him, Hank, and Wolverine in. Xavier attempts to locate Mystique, while the Sentinels are unveiled. Mystique also got in, in disguise, predictably. She tries to pull her gun, but Xavier stops her, and instructs the others to accost her. At that point, the Sentinels are booted up and wreak havoc. While Storm attempts to stall the Sentinels in the future, everyone in the past is trying to survive. Mystique prepares for another shot at Trask, while Erik shows up in a flying baseball stadium. It turns out he hacked all of the Sentinels. In the future, some, but not all, of the Sentinels are destroyed. As a result, Storm and future Magneto die, along with some of the mutants from the beginning of the movie. Hank in the past goes Beast and tries to stop the Sentinels, while Wolverine runs towards past Magneto. However, past Magneto attacks Wolverine by sticking rebar in him, and throws him into the water. Magneto magnetizes the White House, disarming all inside, and pulls the Presidential bunker out of it. He addresses the world and tells them that basically they done messed up. Mystique takes the disguise of the President, while Hank reverses his Beast mode, and Mystique severely injures Magneto, shutting off all of the Sentinels in the process. Mystique turns her attention to Trask, but is interrupted by Xavier, who finally convinces Mystique to drop the gun and end the madness, just in time to prevent the bad future. She then removes Magneto's helmet, allowing Xavier to use Magneto's body to lift the rubble off of him. Magneto flies off, and Wolverine wakes up in the future. Everything is different, the people who would have died are alive and well, including, of all people, Jean Grey (played by Famke Janssen, who died in The Last Stand, thus truly striking said movie from canon) and Cyclops (played by James Marsden). He runs into new present Xavier, who he asks for a brush up on everything that happened after 1973. As it happens, Mystique saved Wolverine from drowning, and presumably gave him his adamantium bone covering, probably to keep him consistent. And then the movie ends. And boy, was that one hell of a ride. Days of Future Past is without a doubt, the TRUE third installment in the X-Men film series, worthy of that title and then some. Before I close this review with the traditional thoughts from the ponies, I would like to add that there is one other pony watching this review. As, for all intents and purposes, Starlight Glimmer might as well be part of the Mane Cast as of the Season 5 finale (as much as I hate to admit it to myself), she will be giving her thoughts as well, and will continue to do so unless I'm proven wrong. Now time for their thoughts. Starlight: I thought it was a good movie, even if the plot hit a little close to home for me. But other than that, it was good. Twilight: I have to agree with Starlight. Bryan Singer returning for this film was the best thing Fox has done with Marvel in quite some time until the announcement of Deadpool. The cinematography, writing, action, all well done. AS THEY SHOULD BE IN AN X-MEN FILM. Rarity: While I never liked those black leather suits (though I suppose yellow and blue spandex would look no better), I thouroughly enjoyed this film. I also enjoyed the attention to temporal accuracy employed in scenes set in the 1970s. Applejack: Ah cannot stress this enough, THIS is how good ah was hoping The Last Stand would be. Definitely the third X-Men film, no question. Rainbow Dash: This was the one that made me think Fox could still do Marvel movies. But then Fantastic Four 2015 happened. But then Deadpool happened, so I guess it's all okay. Other than that, awesome movie. Pinkie Pie: That was a good one! Can I watch it again? Fluttershy: Oh... that was scary... no more, please. FINAL VERDICT: 9.7/10 "Mutants, how do they work?" -IGN @Tyro The Fox DID U RIKE IT?
So, who remembers that show, The Simpsons? Y'know, that animated sitcom where everyone has yellow skin and somehow never age, despite being on the air for over a quarter-century? Yeah, that one. So, a couple years ago, FOX called in Don Hertzfeldt (for those of you who don't know, the man behind the "MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!" cartoon) to do a couch gag (i.e., the once-per-episode sequence in the opening centered around the Simpsons sitting on, you guessed it, the living room couch). And BOY, did he turn out one hell of a sequence. No words in any language ever concieved by man can adequately describe the sheer surreal, yet heartwrenching, yet somehow hilarious nature of this couch gag. It needs to be seen to be believed.
Now this is the story, all about how My life got flipped, turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute, if you will I'll tell you how I became the Princess of a town called Ponyville In downtown Canterlot, born and raised In the library was where I spent most of my days Chillin' out, readin', relaxin' all cool And all, studying magic right after school When an ancient mare, who was up to no good, Was about to make some trouble in the neighborhood I saw the warnings, but my teacher wasn't thrilled She said "You're gonna go make some friends in Ponyville." I begged and pleaded with her, day after day But she packed my bags and sent me on my way She gave me a hug, and then she gave me my ticket I pulled out a book and said "I might as well kick it!" First class, wow, this is bad Drinking apple cider from a champagne glass Is this what the ponies of Ponyville living like? Huh, this might be alright! I whistled for a chariot and when it came near The license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror If anything, I could say it was Celestia's will But I thought "Nah, forget it, onward, to Ponyville!" I pulled up to the library about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the steeds, "Goodbye, smell you later!" I looked at my kingdom, I was just so thrilled To claim the throne as the Princess of Ponyville.
