When Worlds Collide (It's a working title - if you can come up with a better one, do tell) is an MLP/Sonic the Hedgehog crossover - though it is the UK comic's continuity, so no one will likely know what I'm blathering on about - that will deal with the origins of Celestia and Luna, the Elements of Harmony, and Equestria itself. But because it is a relatively unknown universe, I'd like comments and advice - especially for future chaps - to try and make it as accessible to everyone as possible. https://docs.google.com/document/d/12F_aL-KgT6ODluRVPrkRxO_4bXNLKdksm-jgCMQMJM8/edit?hl=en_GB
Ah, yes! This is good. Nice and dramatic. I especially liked the way you let us know Luna and Celestia were still young in the dream sequence. And it turns out they hail from Ponyville, eh? Interesting. Or, were they perhaps just visiting their grandmare, learning about the land and what have you? Very interesting all around. I found just one grammatical error. The sentence "The palace disappear, consumed by a thick foggy blackness." Should be "The palace * disappeared*, consumed by a thick foggy blackness." And I'm not sure about the phrasing of this line: "A grey earth pony clad in the usual golden armour of the royal army, however, his was also enhanced by a billowing red cape." Maybe something like - "A grey earth pony clad in the usual golden armour of the royal army, enhanced by a billowing red cape." Minor change, but to me, it makes it read better. Kind of gives a better mental image. Otherwise, keep up the good work! I love your imagery, and style. You have a good way with words.
Thanks for your comments, I'll get to work on those soon. Minor spoiler regarding young Celestia and Luna: Though it's not been explicitly stated yet in the story - partly because their origin wasn't originally supposed to be as big a part of this story. I was gonna save it for another. Thay are both earth ponies - they don't become alicorns, or whatever you wanna call them, till later. Hence why they don't just fly over the hill.
This is extremely well written. I'm just going to critique as I read because that's what I do: -Very easy to visualize environment. Good work. -Careful with your wording in certain sentences. My example: Luna also wasn’t surprised, either, that she didn’t even look slightly tired after their climb." There's no need for the words "also," "either," or "even." Even COULD be used but should be after "look" -Careful with pronouns. "And even though her flank was still blank, she never got teased about it, unlike Luna." "Her" in this sentence refers to Celestia, but the previous sentence in the story would imply it refers to Luna -You managed to get the tone of both Princesses captured very well. They seem more carefree than they do in the show, which is good as they are fillies here. -I'm glad you addressed that Ponyville wasn't always there. Interesting you have them come from there, although mayhap a bit inaccurate depending on how far back this is. We do know that at some point they move to the castle in the Everfree Forest. -TONE IS PERFECT, DESCRIPTIONS PERFECT, GOOD JOB! (Note, just got to present day) -What ordeal is Celestia referring to exactly? Her return from the moon? The sentence may just be superfluous. -Oh, and you should proof-read for simple mistakes. There are many, but none take away from the story. It's just good to have your bases covered. Overall, I enjoyed the writing very much. Do you have the next chapter in the works? I would like to read it as soon as possible. Also, if you get it done and do some proof-reading, you may want to submit it to EqD. It's a very good job. Looking forward to more!
I always wondered why the castle was where it was - and why Ponyville was there too, given how much they all fear the Everfree forest. So I figured that it might be because the sisters where actually from Ponyville. Plus, I think it gives a nice circularity to the first two episodes. That it returns to where it all began I am, indeed . It comes with a 100% more Zecora. That is, if I can figure out how to get her speech right. Never been good with rhymes . Thanks for your comments, I'll get on to them in a few days.
Ahh, in my fic the castle is there because the Princess used to be like Twilight Sparkle and was interested in studying the phenomenon. There also aren't many cities yet, so ponies are just asking to build settlements everywhere. That's my fic though Also, I love rhyming. If you need help, I can probably give it. I'm at a standstill in my fic until I come up with a trial of Kindness.
At that point in my timeline, the world is dying... slowly. I blame them shifty unicorns ¬.¬ And the castle is built later, primarily to house the Elements of Harmony. What kind of trial are you looking form? Something Good Samaritan-y? And thanks for the offer. I'll pm you if - or, more likely, when - I need help.
I'm looking for something where Luna responds first and succeeds over Celestia because it will raise her own arrogance in what she is coming to believe slowly but surely. I can give you my draft so far so you can see exactly where I am, but it is a first draft so there are bound to mistakes, and it's a long one.
I'd be happy to have a look, though I can't promise to come up with anything good. Sometimes all you need is a fresh perspective .
I'll make a thread for it and link it here! EDIT: http://www.everypony.com/forums/showthread.php?931-Untitled-Luna-Fanfic&p=25162#post25162
