Scrapping this idea thanks for the advice though_________________________________________________________________________________ “This blizzard is awfully out of season, I mean it’s the middle of summer” Twilight Sparkles told Owloysius staring out of the window next to her bed with in her room. Twilight quickly glanced at the clock and yawned quietly. “Well Rainbow Dash and the other pegasi will have the work cut out tomorrow” with this final remark to Owloysius Twilight put out her lamp and when to sleep. Deep within the Everfree forest a young pony her white mane blending in with the ensuing blizzard. Even Everfree was being affected by the unusual weather. The female pony walk straight in to a large Wooden door causing her to fall over, her eyes twinkled in relief as the used her magic to open the large doors and entered them swiftly. __________________________________________________________________________________ “Pitch black” the pony yelled into the ensuring darkness. However then the moon, which was presumably blocked from the blizzard, shone through a large circular window illuminating the room revealing its scale. “How did I not see this?” the pony questioned looking around in amazement. She slowly approached a large black bubble suspended in mid air. As the pony approached the bubble she looked around with in the room attempting to locate any thing of use to her. The door to which the pony had not closed had closed with a large creek causing the white maned pony to turn and look. When she returned her eyes to the bubble a book was suspended just above the floor with a note attached. The note read “Great and powerful HA you are a worthless unicorn Trixie! Prove your worth, recite the incantation on the first page of this book and we will see your magical power!” After reading this note, Trixie seemed full of fear. She closed her eyes and focused. Opening her eye quickly with an angered gaze she used her magic to break the lock on the book. After reading the incantation Trixie closed her eyes and began to reciting it. “Clauditis præ nimis diu surge dominus Discordia surge” Trixie opened her eyes to see dark energy and wave being emitted from the bubble. Suddenly Trixie left the ground and began to flout towards the bubble. Using all her magic she could muster Trixie attempted to escape the dark magic grasp but her heart was too weak. The Bubble engulfed her whole.
Here's a few things I thought maybe you could do to improve. I think it might be good to restructure and sort out your grammar in some of the sentences. The adverbs also seem quite strange to me sometimes, not quite natural, and sometimes you don't describe enough how something's being done or felt. Try adding more tension to the whole door-shut-by-self part- Think more about how the character is feeling, and describe all the feelings she's having at that time. Use relatively complex sentences to describe this, then use a simple, short sentence to quicken the pace for maybe the slamming of the door.
