So here follows my first attempt at pony fanfic, it's a lot more serious and involved than your typical fanfictions - because that's what I've always wrote, it's my style, or comfort zone if you will. Much like an artist will have his favourite style So here's the first part, I'd like to say I'll continue it but as is usual with me it depends on the level and type of feedback it receives. Well without further ado I present, 'Beyond Broken'. Enjoy! Spoiler: Beyond Broken And so the candles burn, silent flames flickering in the dark. Nothing but sparks of remembrance, a small testimony to those lost and buried beyond. I always saw fire as our friend, a tool an asset. One with which we could remain warm and by, seek comfort. One with which we could cook, clean and cleanse our souls. But the truth lay hidden from me all along, fire isn’t our friend. Fire is what it is. Fire is life. Fire is us. Fire is everything we know and yet so much more. Like life, a flame never lasts forever and is all too easily... put out. My story begins where it ends, the shrine of the Celestial. Above the tomb of the namesake princess for whom it was erected. There I lay to pray for guidance and protection in the troubled age Equestria now finds itself. Under a shroud of fear and malice it’s inhabitants now lie, a veil of despair and darkness. I, Benedict am to tend the lights here within. To ensure no candle wanes or goes out. For if a passed soul cannot find their way to the light, they will lose their way and be stuck in eternal slumber, bound by chains of shadow and oppressed by the servants of the dreaded nightmares for many millennia to come. The lights remain lit to give hope to the dead, they serve as markers - giving them something to cling onto until the shroud between worlds is lifted and those lost can pass safely beyond. “Or so the legend goes” I muttered to myself. My cracked voice echoing through the eerie catacombs. I was alone, I always had been. I had never seen the sun, born into the age of dreaded dark. Not that it mattered. As keeper of the lights I was honour-bound to remain within the shrine of the Celestial, to forever guide the lost. To find and save them from the net of the everlasting night until the day upon which I find myself destined to join them. With a silent prayer and wave of my horn I lit the new candle upon the princess' tomb and blew out the other. My heart jumped every time, the thought always crossing my mind: what if it does not take, what if a draft were to blow. But of course, none ever did. Deep within the earth the irony of the temples name came to bear. There was no light, save the ominous glow of the candles arrayed throughout the many twists and turns. High and low, far and wide did the great complex stretch and yet still, the dead came in. More candles were lit, more prayers were said and thus the light keeper’s duties grew evermore, my duties. To let but a single candle fade out, to lose but a single soul to the maelstrom, the dark night. I dare not think of the ramifications, the guilt I would then forebear. “Hold on tight Princess, the shroud will be lifted soon enough. Just hold on that while longer, cling to the light.” I intoned turning to depart, for many more candles dwindled and time was short. As I trotted down from the great plaque my hooves rang, resonating through the desolate halls. Turning to the left I pressed on, dragging the frayed sack of candles with me. It wasn’t a perfect method, but it got the job done and that’s all that mattered. I had no help in this task of solitude, it was my responsibility, my duty alone. A shiver ran down my flank as the fleeting thought passed. “Forever alone”. I stopped abruptly, the sound of my trotting fading away. I had thought it, but I’d also heard it. “Wh-whose there?” I stammered, dropping the sack of candles with a dull thud. No answer. I shook my head and blinked several times, flicking my long dark mane away from my eyes. Your just being paranoid. It’s the lack of sleep. It’s nothing. I convinced myself as I reacquainted myself with the candle sack and plodded on sheepishly. The next few stops came and passed without incident but it was not long until I heard the voice again, a light, soft tone a strangely befitting and comforting sound. “Benedict, Lightkeeper. Heed me, your current task comes to an end, but your duty is not done. I have a great need of you.” “S-s-urely n-not m-me?” I protested. “Benedict, find the six. Restore light and harmony to Equestria” “The s-six? W-what?” “Beware the dark, lightkeeper - it will do everything in it’s power to stop you achieving your goal” The voice faded away, but no echo reverberated around the chambers, only a soft whistle. As if a small draft... The whistling grew steadily louder, confirming my fears. Before long it was a violent howl, a sharp sword of wind. I sprang into a canter, forgetting the candles, heading for the top of the shrine. But I was too slow, too late. I had but reached the second level when a wave of darkness enveloped me, surpassed me, surrounded me. A strong gale threw me off my feet and against the far wall. Bruised and broken I whinnied softly as an army of shadows took form and reached out for the candle coves. I pleaded for them to stop, I tried to stand, but to no avail. One by one the ethereal hands reached out and engulfed the lights, sucking the energy from them. Causing them to flicker and wane, until all of a sudden every last one, went out.
I'm not the only one... right? Tell me I'm not the only one that sees it? No? It's not a bad thing... It's just something I noticed like right away... I'll just keep it to myself... :3 Great story Grey. Very interesting.
It's my hair isn't?! --------------------- Thanks for the feedback Oatmeal Any qualms? Anything that was particularly good? Should I continue?
All I can say is: Arthas would be proud. Definitely beyond any fanfic I read. I like it. Of course it doesn't resemble Equestria as we know it. That's the main reason why i actually like this. It's original, and really interesting. So, I guess Celestia being dead, Nightmare Moon's in charge, right?
/me mutters something about evil, darkness and general cliché stuff Glad you liked it! (really!) I guess I should continue it then ?
Nothing wrong with the story or writing, but your grammar needs a bit of work, pretty much just punctuation. You should also use an identifier for thoughts. The most commonly used are italics, with the a less common method being apostrophes like I tend to prefer. I say you continue it. Post it on FiMFiction to branch out. You could also post on Ponychan if you care for critique, but some reviewers are very... crass. Edit: I didn't even check the date, haha! My bad...
I meant punctuation placement, mostly. In the literal aspect, it reads funny to me, but I actually read it to the way I think it should be.
