The war (Part 1) Prologue Just outside the castle you can hear it. Luna and Celestia are arguing again. “Why can’t we rule together?” Luna yells, angry. “Because you’ve been on the moon for a whole millenia. You have to understand the new generation.” Celestia says calmly. “That was because of you!” Luna accuses. Celestia suddenly gets offended. “I had no choice! Your other form, Nightmare Moon, would have destroyed everything!” Celestia says in an attempt to reason with her younger sister. “Well, I think I could rule better than you!” Luna cries.. Just when Luna said that, a dark cloud began to block the sun. Celestia can hear something is breaking. “Wait!” Celestia says quickly. “Don’t change the subject!” Luna is flushed with anger. “If you won’t listen to me then.. then… Then I will start my own republic!” Luna says. “Republic? But, but, I wasn’t competing with anypony,” Celestia pleads. “Well you are now!” Luna runs out of the room in anger and tears. After she closed the door behind her she begins to have second thoughts. The thoughts of a big responsibility go through her head and how she could have said such a thing, to start a republic. But eventually she just goes and do what she think’s best. She goes down the stairs past the cages of the castle’s dungeon, to get to the room to print some posters. But as she walks through the hallway with cages on the sides, a hoof grabs hold of her... chapter 1 the old enemy After Luna has hold some speeches of what’s happening and spreading some posters, she goes walking through Canterlot. There she sees that not only her posters are everywhere but Celestia has posters as well. “I guess she does take this seriously.” Luna says to herself. When Luna walks through the gardens of the castle, Luna gets this strange feeling that something is missing. But she can’t seem to find what it is and just moves on after thinking some more. Just to be sure, Luna runs to the chamber where the elements of harmonie are kept inside. With a magic spell can luna see that the elements are still inside of the room. She is relieved for some reason. Then she hears something, a dark laugh that gallows through the room. As she’s about to turn around, somepony punches her hard on her face, and she falls hard on the ground. She can feel that she’s bleeding lightly. When she opens her eyes to see who punched her, and sees four ponies standing in front of her. One is laughing evilly. The others are just standing there, smiling a bit. for the elements of harmony.” The biggest colt says with a threatening tone. “No, you won’t get them!” Luna says with her guard up. “Oh I think we will! You know you can’t take us on your own! And now that we have powerful allies where unstoppable!” The youngest black mare says. “Allies?” Luna asks surprised. “Yes, but that’s enough about us. Let’s just take the elements and go!” the oldest one says. “Why not have a little fun?” the youngest one says. The young one turns around and flies away. Luna isn’t sure what to do until she startles from a lightning bolt. The lightning bolt strikes the castle and blows up most of the throne room. Luna can hear the mare say: “Now!” Luna watches in fear when she sees a large cloud of smoke going for the castle. She tries to go to her sister but the other three ‘ponies’ are blocking her path. They grin. Their horns begin to glow. Luna gets surrounded by a purple ball and she’s starting to lose her mind. She tries everything to get out but it’s no use… Chapter 2: an escape, a doggy threat “What was that?” a voice from a pony all chained up in a cell under the castle says. She heard the big explosion and is wondering what it’s about. Then a dark smoke goes through the dark hallways and past her cage. The dark smoke stops when it sees the blue unicorn sit in her cell (yes it’s a living cloud of smoke). “We need you…” the smoke says. She can’t believe her ears! “What do you need me for? Nopony ever liked me…” She says. Out of the cloud of smoke comes a little poster which is flying towards her. The poster lands in front of her. As soon as she sees the picture on the poster, she’s gets a little grin on her face. “I’ll be glad to help” She says. The cloud of smoke is going into the cell and surrounds her. Then a hat and a cape appear in front of the pony and her chains loosen and fall on the ground. She magically put on the cape and lets the poster float next to her head. “I will get my revenge on you!” She thinks. Then she starts to burn the poster with an evil smile on her face. When she puts on her hat she’s ready to go. Her horn is glowing as she goes through the smoke as she says: “The great and powerful Trixie is free once again!” Celestia runs to the room where the elements where, but she’s too late. The four ponies have already taken the elements. When Celestia enters the room she sees Luna lying on the ground, but she is awake. It looks like she’s fighting against something. Luna is standing up slowly but there’s something wrong. “Luna? Are you alright?” Celestia says with a concerned face. “Luna..? Luna is... Luna is gone!” A dark voice coming from Luna’s mouth says. Celestia is shocked and takes a step back. “No, this can’t be happening!” Celestia says with tears in her eyes. Luna’s eyes are starting to glow and her tail is starting to turn in black smoke. “Luna, remember who you are!” Celestia says in hope to bring her back. “Luna is gone forever!” The voice says. Luna’s skin is starting to get darker, her horn grows and so does her body. “The night will last forever!” Nightmare Moon says. Celestia is so shocked that she can’t move anymore and must look how her overtaken sister is flying away in her smoke form... The next day Celestia wakes up on the cold, dark floor of the castle undergrounds. She remembered everything that happened. Celestia is sure she must inform Twilight and her friends about this. She goes back to her room and starts writing a letter. “Dear Twilight, my faithful student, I must inform you and your friends about something. I’ll come to ponyville tomorrow morning. Yours, Princess Celestia” “Girls, I’m sure this is something to worry about!” Twilight says when she’s done reading the letter. “Aw come on Twilight, it’s probably nothing.” Applejack says to calm Twilight down. “Nothing? If it was nothing she wouldn’t be coming here right?” “Here we go again.” Rainbow dash says and rolls her eyes around. “What if she wants to see me about my latest report on friendship? Or maybe we need to use the elements again?” Twilight keeps asking herself questions. “Twilight dear, calm down.” “Or what if… What if I need to go back to magic kindergarten?” “Just like that? Because of nothing? Now come on Twilight, that won’t happen!” “Girls, you might wanna take a look at this.” Pinkie Pie says as she is looking through the window. The ponies and spike are walking towards the door while ponies outside start screaming and begin running wild... Outside they see that there are ponies running around everywhere. As the six ponies and spike go outside, they hear a mighty roar. “Wait a minute. That roar sounds familiar!” Twilight says with her thinking face on. Then the earth begins to shake a little as another roar goes over Ponyville. A giant, black, three headed dog jumps in front of a building. “What was it?” Twilight mumbles as she is thinking of what animal the roar was. “T-Twilight...” Spike says as he’s looking at cerberus with fear. “Not now Spike! I’m thinking about that roar.” Twilight is still thinking while Fluttershy is trying the same technique as that day that ‘future Twilight’ visited herself to calm cerberus down. Fluttershy flies toward the three headed dog and tries to reach his neck to pet him, but she gets quickly thrown down by his claw. “Fluttershy!” All the ponies say at once. “That’s it! It’s cerberus!” Twilight says happy to find out. But when she looks at cerberus, she can see that there’s something wrong with the giant dog. It seems like the dog is possessed by some kind of magic force. Chapter 3: Not just a book character As the ponies continue to battle Serverus, rainbow has summand her pet Tank to help her in the battle. “Tank, let’s do shell attack one!” Rainbow says to Tank. As soon as Tank hears this, he crawls in his shell and Rainbow stands in position. With her back pointing to Tank, she says: “Out of the way everypony!” As soon as they hear it, they get out of the way, Pinkie takes the unconscious Fluttershy to safety and Applejack jumps off Serverus. “Here we go!” Rainbow says and kicks Tank as hard as she can. Within a second, Tank is fired off towards Serverus… “Oh come on! Fly faster! We should have been in Ponyville an hour ago!” A Pegasus with a dark beige color coat and gray/black hair says while she angrily waves at the two pegasi who are pulling her chariot forward. “Easy ma’am! We’ve been flying all night!” One of the two ponies says. “yea, yea just get me there already!” The other Pegasus is about to react as they hear a mighty roar coming from Ponyville. “That can’t be good.” “Ok, I don’t want any trouble so we’re turning around right now!” the pegasi says “Oh come on!” The mare begins. “I won’t back down from anything!” “That might be for you, but we’re going back!” The Pegasi say as they turn the chariot. “Fine, then I’ll fly on my own to Ponyville.” She says and jumps of the chariot. “You’re crazy! One of the ponies says. “No, I’m Daring Do!” the mare says before she races towards Ponyville…
I took a quick glance, and I can provide some critique on things you can improve upon. Formatting: I highly recommend following the generalized fanfic etiquette of line spacing between paragraphs (and especially when changing speakers). This is to prevent confusion and make an easier read. I also encourage you to indent as well since that makes your story look neater. All of this is just like a novel, except with line spacing. Tense: You frequently use the wrong tense, or switch when you should not. Here's an example: In the beginning, you are addressing the reader with past tense, but then switch to present tense directly after. In the dialogue, you switch again. It should read more like this: (without modifying the base text) That flows more appropriately with the tense. As you can see, said is the verb, and is now correctly past tense. (Angrily is the adverb--how she said it. Semi-relevant because its tense changes, too.) Dialogue Punctuation: When there are dialogue tags, they will always be used with a comma (inside the quotations) when linked directly together. Example: Most fanfic authors don't use the second or third method too often, and the fourth instance would be read as separate sentences apart from one another, as there are no dialogue tags and you're delving into conveying her anger through her action as opposed to telling it. There is no exclamation point, but we know she is angry due to her stomping her hoof and bellowing. General Stuff: There's many instances where you use periods where a comma would work, and vice versa. There's also repetition, both in word usage and in structure. I suggest glancing at a thesaurus occasionally to avoid it with words, but make sure you use a word appropriate to what you need it for, and avoid overusing too many similar words. You don't want it to become too eloquent and complicated for your reader. In one of my stickies are the guides posted on Ponychan.org's /fic/ section, and I have read and used some of them myself. I highly suggest reading and studying their points as most of them are very helpful and provide excellent examples. It's a lot to swallow at once, but you'll get it over time. In closing, I'd say to work on "Show, Not Tell" as well, but that's a very long topic in itself and takes much practice. If you're interested, here's a link that ought to help: http://www.foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html
Thank you for this reply. What you said, are great ideas to improve this and i will use (most of) it. I was already working on a improved version, but this will still help me. thanks again for the reply and i will keep the things you said in mind.
ok...so...I'm so bucking lazy all the time, or have 0% insperation...so i'm not...really working on it...so i've decided to completly start over...with a better, longer prologue (wich isn't even finished yet ) But anyways, here you go!: Prologue: The moment is coming soon enough... “How could it all have come so far?” I thought to myself while i was lying on that cold, metal floor. Paralyzed by the attack the pony in front of me threw at me a few moments ago. She laughed evilly and said: “You never should’ve come here...Now I’m gonna tear you all apart piece by piece...”. I stood up slowly, only now noticing i was in a cage. I looked around. I saw the giant machine the pony used to defeat us. How could a machine have been possible to defeat the elements of harmony? Especially when they have an extra power source? As I looked around some more, I saw that Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack and Pinkie Pie where in different cages. I also saw that Twilight and Rarity both had a magic resisted cage, so they wouldn’t be able to escape, or use magic in or outside the cages. All of them where unconsciousness. Through the bars of my cage I looked at the pony. The biggest problem i was having right now is that the pony that locked us up, used to be my friend. Not only my friend, he used to be my aunt. But that was a long time ago. Now she’s my enemy. The pony was still laughing evilly. I hated it. It was not only her laugh that sounded terrible, but her voice was as bad is it can be. Though it doesn’t surprise me that she sounds that way, since she’s a cyborg, her voice sounds almost like gears are running over each other. I also know that she doesn’t have to breath...however that works. So she could make this room free of air, so we would all die and she could walk out alive. But i know that she’s not the brightest one around here. She’s clever, yes. But she’s not being as smart about tactics as me or Twilight. But because we’ve known each other for quite a long time, both me and my aunt know our weaknesses, and those of each other. “I...I don’t get it....why would you do this?” I asked, simply to get some more time to think of a way to escape. But she made these cages in a way, that i wouldn’t be able to escape without any help from outside. So that makes it almost impossible to escape, because i don’t have anypony to help me. I know some ponies who could, but just...not right now. “Heh, i bet you’d like to know...but i can’t tell you...” she said it, in a way you’d say when you’re hiding something. Something fishy was clearly going on here. But i couldn’t figure it out.
