It is "moody" i must say, though: 1. You shouldn't use the same word twice while writing if you use a word that has a lot of synonyms. This goes for if it's some adjective, verb or noun. For example, the word "wrath" doesn't have to be used twice. In these phrases: "...the strange red light of Wrath. And her wrath was great indeed." You could swap the wrath in the second sentence with a synonym for "Wrath", like Rage, Anger and Temper. Rage and Anger would fit perfectly: "...the strange red light of Wrath. And her anger was great indeed." This makes it a tad more colorful and makes it look like it has a rich vocabulary, which in fact it has. 2. "This story (I dare not call it my own) begins millenia ago" I feel like this sentence would be much prettier and nicer sounding if this underlined part wasn't there. It does not really say much about the legend, other than you'd not call it yours - It is a familiar story to us all, and that part just seems superfluous. Other than these 2 things i can't really see anything that I'd change about this. I am definitely looking forward to more.
Thank you for responding! I'll remember to change that when I go through with editing it (Both the underlined phrase and the repeated word)! Is it too moody or is it just moody enough to set the scene for a horror?
Well, i'd rather call it "Epic" than "Horror". Maybe work around a bit, as I don't really recall horror not being gory or scary (I think you'll add the "scare-factor" later on), therefore I must say it's both too moody and not enough moody - it's your pick - if you put Epic above Horror, then yes - it's too moody. If below, then no - not moody enough. Surely not the level of mood for a horror fiction. In my opinion - The horror effect leaves the biggest impact from either the victim's point of view or from the killer (the main badguy)'s point of view. A guy who's more or less passive isn't really that great for these kinds of stories. I always felt that the first person (either the victim or the main badguy/villain) style of storytelling leaves a bigger impact than the third person style of storytelling. Someone who witnessed it can better explain the situation - his emotions, his fears, the pictures of horror set in his head as a permanent memory. I personally prefer the emotional first person style of storytelling, thus that's my safe-zone (call it like that). If your safe-zone is the third person style of storytelling, and something grim-dark (like you want your story to be, I guess) then stick to it. Safe-zones guarantee you that the end product will be the best in that style.
I agree with Jaret that this doesn't seem to be horror, so much as a Epic Poem, in the sense of Mythology and what-not. It sounds like you're telling the History of Equestria, from beginning to end. Is that your intent? As for first person vs. third person, well, for the prologue, this is fine. But if you want to do horror, I again agree with Jaret in that it needs to be told from some ponies point of view. Horror isn't very gripping when described from afar - notice in horror movies, the camera will follow behind the next victim - or our hero, whatever. Hmm, I didn't mean to just agree with Jaret, but I seem to have done just that. Oh, well, I'll just have to wait to see where this goes. D. Wynter
