Separate names with a comma.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic:
Watch it. No, seriously, watch it.
The year is 2007. The movie that caught the public imagination the most was Transformers, based upon the action figures from Hasbro. Why? Let's find out.
Our story begins with an opening narration from Optimus Prime, voiced by Peter Cullen. It explains the basics of the story: the AllSpark, the source of all life on the now war-torn Cybertron, has crash landed on Earth after being lost for millennia.
Cut to Qatar, a real country that does exist (Google it), as we see some soldiers in a plane. One of them is waiting to see his baby daughter for the first time--WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?!? This is a Transformers movie, right? Or did I just walk into Saving Private Ryan?!
Suddenly, a helicopter is picked up by the military, who send escort jets to intercept. Apparently, its ID number matches that of a chopper shot down over Afganistan three months prior.
The helicopter lands, the military accosts it, and... wait, what the hell?
Huh. Guess this really is a Transformers movie.
One thing I have to mention is that the CG is incredible for 2007. It almost looks real. Almost.
So the base is attacked by Blackout and the military is sent scrambling after Blackout attempts to hack the database.
Cut to some high school in the middle of--wait, high school?
OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!
Here we meet Sam Witwicky, played by Shia No-I'm-Not-Really-A-Cannibal LaBeouf, who is currently DOING a geneology presentation. It has to do with his great-grandfather Archibald, who apparently explored the Arctic Circle in the 1800s.
He's also trying to get his first car, but his teacher won't give him the grade he needs. Not content with letting his dreams be dreams, he convinces him to give him the grade he needs.
Sam and his dad stop by a car salesman played by the late Bernie Mac, who sells him an old yellow Camaro after it wipes out the entire lot.
While the government attempts to discover who's responsible for the attack on Qatar, Sam attempts to sell Archibald's glasses on eBay, and tries to impress a girl from school named Mikaela, played by Megan Fox.
Eventually, Sam's car drives off by itself, as another Transformer hacks Air Force One, and finds Sam's glasses on eBay. Turns out they're a map to the AllSpark and the Decepticons want it.
So Sam is attacked and interrogated as to the whereabouts of the glasses, when his car becomes Bumblebee and saves Sam. Bumblebee then changes his disguise to a more recent Camaro.
Meteors fall to Earth, containing Transformers inside, who take the forms of various vehicles. One in particular takes the form of a blue semi with red flames.
Bumblebee drops Sam and Mikaela off in an alley, where the other Autobots approach them.
As Optimus Prime transforms along with the other Autobots, Sam quips that they may be Japanese.
Well, he's not wrong.
The Autobots introduce themselves; Jazz, who is a black guy and Optimus's second-in-command, kicks back, while Ironhide, the weaponry expert, jokes about using his weapons. Ratchet, the medic, "detects" Sam's pheremones and says Sam wants to... to... get in Mikaela's pants.
"I've heard of Kiss Players, but this is ridiculous."
To top off the iceberg, Optimus reveals that they learned English via the Internet. Why, then, is he not dropping F-bombs and calling Sam a n00b? I mean, this is 2007, right? I digress, I'm thinking too much.
Oh, and Bumblebee talks via radio.
Mikaela asks why the Autobots are here on Earth, and then--HOLY CRAP, OPTIMUS'S EYES ARE HOLOGRAMS!!
Sam and Mikaela learn that Archibald Witwicky actually found Megatron, voiced by Hugo Weaving, frozen in ice. Megatron was looking for the AllSpark, but he crashed. Archibald made the mistake of turning him on, blinding him (and imprinting the AllSpark's location in his glasses) in the process. Megatron plans to turn all the machines on Earth into his army if he finds the AllSpark, using them to wipe out mankind.
So, Terminator 3 with aliens. Got it.
Sam looks for the glasses, while everyone else hides. His cover is nearly blown by his parents, but fortunately, they're stupid. But the feds show up, and they capture Sam. The Autobots show up and bail out Sam, and then... and then... and then Bumblebee pees on... John Tuturro's character...
The feds attempt to follow them after they make a break for it, but they corner Sam and the group. Eventually, they are taken away.
Sam and Mikaela run into an NSA operative, the soldier from earlier and a hacker upon arrival at the Hoover Dam, where Megatron and the AllSpark are being housed.
However, it appears they are too late, the other Decepticons are alerted, to the location of the AllSpark. Megatron is reactivated, but hey, at least Bumblebee's OK.
So everyone gets the hell outta there, along with the AllSpark, as the Decepticons try to follow them.
A fight ensues, as the government calls in an airstrike.
Also, Jazz dies.
Then we get a fight between Optimus and Megatron, full of the banter you'd expect from Transformers, while Sam attempts to get the AllSpark to safety.
Ultimately, Sam unwittingly destroys Megatron with the AllSpark, and he saves the world.
And so ends Transformers. How was it? Lio, please forgive me when I say that it wasn't that bad. Sure, it had its low points, but for a blockbuster from 2007, it's not terrible. Thoughts, girls?
Twilight: Objectively speaking, the movie is not too well written, but the cinematography, score, and special effects are near perfect. It may just be a matter of taste.
Rarity: *vomiting* Sorry, I can't get the image of robo-pee out of my head...
Applejack: Ya sure this was a Transformers movie? It focused on people a bit too much, ah'd say.
Rainbow Dash: OH MY GOSH, THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! So... awesome...
Pinkie: Pass the popcorn, please, I want an encore!
Fluttershy: HASBRO, DON'T YOU DARE LET MICHAEL BAY GET HIS HANDS ON US!!
"Guilty pleasures: everyone has one." -IGN
@Tyro The Fox Kept you waiting, huh?
I have found my new least favorite cartoon. Ladies and gentlemen, your so-called new favorite show, Teen Titans Go.
People are saying that this is the new Johnny Test, and for the record, I don't blame them. It's the worst Cartoon Network show by a mile. The concept of the show, I think, is that five young superheroes sit around and do nothing when they're not fighting crime, i.e. 99.999999999999324% of the time. So basically, the Fantastic Four, minus the rockstar publicity.
But I encountered an episode so bad, I had to see it for myself.
How is it? Let's find out.
Our episode begins with Starfi- no, it would be a disgrace to the original show to refer to them by name.
It starts with an alien, a goth poser, an immature robot man, and a shapeshifter with the mentality of a five year old; all of whom are watching this show's resident Friendship is Magic parody (by which I mean mockery): Pretty Pretty Pegasus. It seems to be made entirely of bad Flash assets vaguely shaped like horses dancing like idiots in a meadow. Oh, and there's a close-up of shaking horse butt, because ha ha, brony stereotypes.
Suddenly, in through the TV bursts Chris O'Donnell. I mean, Burt Ward. I mean, that little wuss that Batman has to rescue every 0.4 femtoseconds. He tells the others about an evil Deadpool look-alike, which scares them.
Then, some time passes, and they beat him offscreen. That reeks of lazy.
And then they spout positive critic jargon.
I... I think I realize what this is. This is a kneejerk reaction to completely valid criticism.
So after defeating the bad guy, they have a party. And then we learn the alien is afraid of clowns. I don't see why not.
Then the fake emo girl tells the shapeshifter and robo-person that clowns are for kids, and that they're too old.
Soon, the Tyler Perry Robocop and the green Animorphs reject realize that clowns are lame, but think it's because it's not how they remember it.
So they do some sciency crap to the clown which makes him an evil, 2edgy4u jerkhole who looks like a budget version of Sweet Tooth from the classic PlayStation 1 racing game Twisted Metal.
He proceeds to beat up the Boy Wonder Bread, and the faux punk chick scolds Dumbot and Dumberdork for making the clown "inappropriate for kids." Their response? Send him to the outside world to spread joy to kids. Good luck with that.
So the pseudo-tsundere girl tries to watch Pretty Pretty Pegasus, except something's off about it. Namely, it got an injection of Shadow the Edgehog.
Where's that DAMN fourth Element of Harmony?!
But could its sudden shift to dark and edgy be the work of a psychotic clown going around making kids' shows hardcore? Or is there another, more out-of-this-world explanation? No, it can only be the work of... FAIRY GODPARENTS!!!
Just kidding, it's the clown.
Said clown goes to a toy store and makes the toys evil. Batboy interprets this as "tainting" children's entertainment. Kinda like what Teen Titans Go is doing in real life.
Tweedletron and Tweedledum "realize" that they must let go of the past. Um, no. Childhood is something to be remembered fondly, not discarded.
So they try the "find the real you within you" routine on the clown, to no avail. It ends with the alien punching out the clown.
So, how was it? Since I'm too offended and traumatized and the Mane Six are weeping in a corner, I'll let this thirty-something nerdy critic do the talking.
"It sucks, and I don't like it." -IGN
@Tyro The Fox TURN BACK NOW
I spent the majority of my childhood watching cartoons, and here are some of the worst I've seen on my travels. A few rules:
1: I have to have seen at least one full episode all the way through, unless it's feature length, in which case I must have seen the whole movie. Don't expect Foodfight! or that weird Ren and Stimpy revival.
2: It must be 100% animated. You got lucky, Alvin and the Chipmunks.
3: If it's a series, it must have always been bad. Spongebob and Family Guy won't be on the list for this reason.
10. Bambi II (2006, Walt Disney)
In the early-to-mid '00s, Disney released a metric crapton of direct-to-video sequels to some of their more popular films. One of these was a sequel to my favorite film in the classic Disney animated canon, Bambi. Actually, it takes place during the events of the first one as a side story about Bambi coping with the loss of his mother and the approach of winter. It fills the runtime with forced attempts at humor and Patrick Stewart as Bambi's father constantly telling him what princes don't do. On the bright side, the visuals at least try.
9. Captain Planet and the Planeteers (1990-96, TBS)
Why do cartoons exist? They exist to entertain, no matter the target audience. Thankfully, there's little to no entertainment value here, as it probably would have the E/I certification if it were made today. And we all know E/I certified cartoons tend to suck, though there are exceptions. *cough, FiM season 1* Yes, this was an edutainment toon focused on turning kids into tree-hugging hippies. The plot revolves around five teenagers who are granted elemental powers to combat evil corporate polluting scumbags. They combine their powers to form the titular hero. It feels more like a half-hour animated PSA than genuine entertainment.
8. Fanboy and Chum-Chum (2009-10?, Nickelodeon)
This is what happens when Beavis and Butt-head are aged down to middle school and start pretending to be superheroes, an idea this show doesn't utilize AT ALL. It's poorly paced, on top of bad CG and lame humor.
7. Transformers: Energon (2004-2005, Cartoon Network)
Oh dear God, everything is wrong here. First off, it's pretty much Transformers meets Voltron. Second, the CG/anime integration is awful and uncanny. Finally, the dubbing is terrible. 'Nuff said, next entry.
6. Casper the Friendly Ghost (1945-1959, Paramount Pictures)
This apparently beloved cartoon about a ghost who refuses to scare people and tries to make friends, only for them to die soon after. Here's my problem with it: it doesn't make sense. Why would a ghost try to make friends with the living? Thank goodness he hasn't been relevant since that god-awful live-action movie.
5: Hero 108 (2010-12, Cartoon Network)
It's stupid. Next!
4. My Little Pony: Generation 3 (2003-09, Paramount/Shout! Factory)
You guys saw this coming. We all know it's bad, so I won't waste your time.
3. Pokémon: Diamond and Pearl (2007-11, Cartoon Network)
This is when the Pokémon anime hit its lowest point, as it was being dubbed by 4Kids Entertainment. The episodes follow the formula of Ash fighting Pokey-man battul as Team Rocket try and steal his Pikachu. It's... not very good, to say the least.
2. Johnny Test (2005-14, The WB/The CW/Cartoon Network)
Again, no one is surprised. This is, without a doubt, one of the worst shows out there. However, it's trumped only by...
1. Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins (1995, New Line Cinema)
This abomination retells the story of the first few Mortal Kombat games in badly animated direct-to-video format. For all the reasons it's wrong, click here.
Thanks for reading. :3
@Tyro The Fox I made a thing.
Back in 1987, this thing was considered state-of-the-art.
Ah, After Burner. A game from a simpler time when men were men, women were women, transforming robots were cartoons, and Star Wars had only three movies.
And I love that game so.
Today I'll be reviewing the 3DS port of the game.
In After Burner, you pilot an F-15 Tomcat fighter jet, fighting off wave after wave of enemy fighters with missiles and machine guns. You can do barrel rolls, speed up, and slow down. 23 stages of high-flying, supersonic goodness await.
The graphics? Lemme show ya:
They may be primitive now, but for their time, it was as close to 3D as you could get. And with the 3DS, they're even closer.
The music? Lemme show ya:
Very catchy and awesome, it gets you pumped and sets the mood.
The gameplay? Controls are responsive and easy to use. You can even change them up, if you wish.
So what's different with the 3DS port? Well, after completing the arcade game in Arcade mode, you unlock Special mode. In this mode, it's Arcade with a twist: this time, you have a bullet time (that is, slowing down time) mechanic.
In a game where you're a fighter jet pilot, this is ten whole levels of awesome. You fill the meter by killing enemies, then you press a button to slow down time.
All in all, the 3DS After Burner port surpasses the original, which was already *squee*ing awesome; something which ports rarely do. So what do the Mane Six think?
Twilight Sparkle: This game is a fantastically well-done port of an already great game. If you can get the 6 dollars on your eShop balance, it's worth the download.
Rarity: It's not exactly my type of game, but if you like it, go ahead and play!
Applejack: See, THIS is how ya port a classic game to a modern system. Ya enhance it, while keepin' enough the same.
Rainbow Dash: *fangirl squeal* SO... AWESOME!!
Pinkie Pie: This game is fifty shades of FUN!! ... What? The book's a guilty pleasure.
Fluttershy: Fun, but not quite my thing. Too violent for me.
"Best game. BEST GAME." -IGN
@Tyro The Fox Ooh, shiny!
I will admit, I'm not a skater. I suck at skateboarding. But I'm decent at video games. So, naturally, I'm pretty good at the Tony Hawk games. Today we'll be focusing on the fifth game, Underground, released in 2003 by Activision for multiple platforms, including the consoles, GBA, mobile phone, and an Australian-exclusive PC release. Since I own the Gamecube version, we'll be using that one.
The graphics aren't that bad, especially for 2003 standards. Characters look how they should.
As for gameplay, it plays a lot like a GTA game with a skateboard. To kickstart your board, you press B. Holding A makes you go fast, and tapping it makes you Ollie, or jump. Y grinds, and you press B or X with a direction to do a trick while in the air. L and R change the way your board faces, and Z gets you on and off the board.
There is a Story mode, involving your created character rising to skateboard stardom from the ghetto of Jersey, as well as a Free Skate mode. You can make your own park, your own tricks, even your own skater. Creation is well balanced and well excecuted for 2003 standards. Parks and tricks aren't too bad, either, although you can make impossible tricks.
That's pretty much it. I think it's a pretty good game. Mane Six, thoughts?
Oh, right, they're busy dealing with a giant crab demon. Oh well.
FINAL VERDICT: 7/10
"Surf's up! Oh wait..." -IGN
@Tyro The Fox Check it out, dude!
Well, now that Terminator: Genisys is in theaters, I thought I'd take a look at the film it spits in the face of: the original 1984 James Cameron classic, The Terminator.
Believe it or not, James Cameron had very little budget to work with, being completely new to Hollywood at the time. But did he pull it off? Let's find out.
So our film opens with an establishing shot of Los Angeles, California in the year 2029... which isn't really far off from present-day L.A.
Only thing missing is the yellow smog.
Then, after showing off some machines fighting people, we learn by way of text exposition that "the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present.
Then we get what is, in my opinion, the best opening credits for a movie, ever, after which we go to 1984 L.A., where we see a forklift driver with his vehicle stalling. Turns out it's an electrical storm caused by a naked Arnold Schwartzenegger.
Okay, that's a weird sentence.
So Arnie goes off to some street punks, whom he demands one of their clothes. Their response?
"*squee* you, *yay*hole."
Best. Comeback. Ever.
They try to kill Arnie, only to drop dead, and one of them is stripped nude. Not a pretty fate.
Cut to an alley, where another electrical storm happens. This time, it's Kyle Reese, who falls out of mid-air, and lands hard on the ground.
He gets chased by the cops after taking a junkie's pants. He takes the cop by surprise and asks the year. After the cop doesn't answer, Kyle runs off with his gun. He then hides in a clothing shop, and grabs a shirt and shoes, and hightails it outta there, grabbing another gun out of the cop car on the way.
He goes to a phone booth and looks for the name "Sarah Connor."
Cut to Sarah on a moped, going to work at a restauraunt. Yes, the mother of the savior of humanity was a waitress. No, I'm not joking.
Cut to Arnie, stealing a car.
Back to Sarah. She sucks at her job, and a fellow waitress snides that no one will care in about 100 years.
Arnie goes to a gun shop, and steals some guns, but not before killing the guy behind the counter.
Note to self: never sell guns to this guy.
Afterwards, we see Kyle sawing off the stock of his shotgun, and trying to find Sarah.
Arnie also does the phonebook trick and goes to the first person he saw named "Sarah Connor."
And then he kills her.
Did I mention this was a sci-fi slasher?
Our Sarah (as in John's mother) goes on break, when the Exposition News Network tells us that a different Sarah Connor is dead.
One of the major plot points of this film is that Skynet lost almost all records in the nuclear apocalypse. This was before the Internet was invented.
Kyle starts a car, and has war flashbacks triggered by construction vehicles. Yeah, fighting for your life will do that to you. After snapping out of it, he drives off.
Sarah and a friend are doing their hair, when they get a call from a Matt guy who likes the friend.
Meanwhile, on the set of LAPD Blue, we see the results of Arnie's spree, as two reports share the victim's name: "Sarah Connor."
Sarah goes to a movie, and is followed by Kyle Reese. Then she watches ENN and checks the phonebook. Surprise, she's next!
She calls the cops, just as Arnie shows up at her place. He kills Matt and Ginger, Sarah's friend from earlier. Just as Sarah calls on the answering machine.
Arnie wastes no time in arriving at the nightclub Sarah holed up in. He finds her just as quickly.
Luckily, Kyle is there to save her. All hell breaks loose as the two have a gunfight. As Kyle rescues Sarah, he has this to say:
"Come with me if you want to live."
They manage to flee Arnie, but not before they have to knock him off the car. Arnie steals a cop car and chases Kyle and Sarah, just as Kyle explains just what the hell is going on.
They get busted by the fuzz, and Arnie hi-tails it outta there.
Arnie sneaks into an apartment, and performs surgery on himself. His eye is damaged and he removes it. He then leaves.
A psychiatrist investigates Kyle's story, deeming him insane. Because, har dee har har, no one believes him.
Arnie shows up at the police station and asks to see Sarah Connor. He is denied, so he leaves, but not before saying, "I'll be back." There, another catchphrase. This franchise is full of them.
Arnie then crashes a car through the wall, keeping his word. No better way to keep a promise in my opinion.
He then proceeds to massacre the police station. Kyle escapes his cell after the lights go out, and tries to find Sarah. He finds her and they flee the building.
They go into the woods, and they chat. Also, turns out Kyle is John's dad. Awkward.
They rent a room at a hotel, and Arnie somehow manages to get Sarah's location by way of voice imitation and luck.
Arnie arrives at the hotel, but Sarah and Kyle flee just in time. Arnie gives chase, and Kyle tries to blow him up. But Kyle gets shot and Sarah does drastic measures to survive. Arnie hijacks a truck to run down his targets as Sarah tries to save herself and Kyle. Kyle then tries one more bomb. This time, it works. But somehow, Arnie survives. His visage doesn't.
Pretty dark. Imagine if that were an ordinary killer. He'd be toast.
Arnie's skin is melted away, revealing the Terminator. It follows them into a factory. Kyle collapses, but Sarah gets him up as the Terminator gets inside. It corners them on a stairwell. Kyle gets the receiving end ot the Terminator's pimp hand before getting killed.
Well, not everyone gets a happy ending, you know.
Just before he died, he planted a bomb in the Terminator, blowing it up.
Surprise, the upper half still works. Sarah crawls away from it, leading it to a hydraulic press. She then musters up the courage to kill the damn thing, but not before delivering a one-liner that IMHO trumps even the sequel's "Hasta la vista," or even Die Hard's "Yippie kai-yay." (Yes, I'll review that too.)
The line? "You're terminated, *squee*er." '
That's the "Omae wa mo shindeiru" of cinema right there.
She is then taken to a hospital.
And so ends the second best film in the Terminator franchise. How fitting. Too bad Genisys crapped all over it.
Wonder what the Mane Six have to say?
Twilight: One of the better films of the 1980s despite its budget constraints, James Cameron turned this B-movie into a franchise that ceased to be good after the second installment. Shame, too.
Rarity: Everything just SCREAMS 80s, but that's part of the film's charisma. They knew little about a computer's potential at the time.
Applejack: ... Ya done messed up one of the classics, Paramount! The original Terminator is by far the best sci-fi film of its time, and ah say that with full knowledge of The Empire Strikes Back.
Rainbow Dash: I'm with AJ on this one. This movie is so awesome for how cheap it was that it got a sequel. Only Cameron does this franchise justice.
Pinkie Pie: That... was... brutal... I LOVE IT.
Fluttershy: *hiding under the table* I guess I'm not changing my name to Sarah Connor, then.
9.5/10 "See it before you are terminated." -IGN
@Tyro The Fox I summon thee.
Post post post
I dunno, guys, are you sure this guy was killed by Superman?
Dragon Ball Z is an anime franchise so iconic that everyone and their mother has heard of it by now. Practically every American kid in the early 2000s wanted to go Super Saiyan and do a Kamehameha. And what better way to achieve that than with a video game?
However, sometimes your parents can't afford to get you the new PlayStation 2 so you can play Budokai. Fortunately, you still have a PlayStation 1. So your parents, tired of hearing you pretending to go Super Saiyan, buy you a copy of the only PS1 Dragon Ball Z game released in the States.
Yes, I speak, of course, of the 1995 game Dragon Ball Z: Ultimate Battle 22. The reason I say 1995 is that the American version was released eight years later, in 2003. Published in the States by Atari, this game is merely a poor man's version of the much better Budokai series.
Why is it called Ultimate Battle 22? Because there are 22 playable characters to choose from. That was a lot for 1995, but not very many for 2003.
The first thing you'll notice are the graphics. The character sprites are faithful to the show, and the backgrounds are rendered decently for PS1 standards. There is also an awesome soundtrack, which consists mostly of arranged versions music from an earlier DBZ game, the Japan-exclusive SNES title Super Butouden 2.
However, that's as good as the game gets. The controls are stiff and occasionally unresponsive, and the hit detection is random at best. Using energy attacks quickly drain your energy bar, and powering up is a chore. The special moves are near impossible to pull off, even more so than a Fatality in Mortal Kombat.
There is no story mode to speak of, only a P1 vs Computer and a P1 vs P2 mode. There is also a mode where you level up a character, but it doesn't reward you at all. The game is very boring and offers little challenge. But it's not the worst Dragon Ball game on the PS1 by a longshot. That dishonor goes to Dragon Ball GT: Final Bout.
Dragon Ball GT: Final Bout has an even more limited roster than Ultimate Battle 22, consisting of only ten characters, only a few of whom are actually in Dragon Ball GT. Just before a fight, each character has something to say, in a very poorly dubbed manner.
Then the fight begins. The graphics are muddier looking than Ultimate Battle 22, with character models that are barely a step above Virtua Fighter. The soundtrack is generic and boring, none of the tracks stand out.
But even worse is the gameplay. Hit detection is awful, controls are even stiffer and less responsive than in Ultimate Battle 22, and once your opponent lands a hit on you, you're screwed six ways from Sunday, as they will continue to hit you repeatedly. Your best chance is to keep spamming attacks, but even then, you'll be met with cheap enemy AI. The game is very frustrating, often resulting in you getting your butt kicked, no matter how much you mash buttons.
Ultimate Battle 22 had potential, but failed to deliver, while Final Bout was simply screwed from the start. Something tells me that the Mane Six won't have much positive to say...
Twilight: Ultimate Battle 22 is a rather weak effort, but Final Bout is a pure, unadulterated blob of excrement from the bowels of Tartarus itself.
Rarity: WHY WOULD GOKU WEAR INDIGO?! IT LOOKS TERRIBLE ON HIM!! At least in Ultimate Battle 22 he wore his trademark orange and blue...
Applejack: Ah don't know much about vidya games, but ah know the PlayStation was capable of better than these games.
Rainbow Dash: Ultimate Battle 22? More like Ultimate Piece of Crap 22! And as for Final Bout, I don't want to see it ever again!
Pinkie Pie: GET THOSE THINGS AWAY FROM ME!!!
Fluttershy: Um, I've never really been a big Dragon Ball fan, but these games... I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemies...
FINAL VERDICT (ULTIMATE BATTLE 22)
4/10 "Goddamnit, Nappa..." -IGN
FINAL VERDICT (FINAL BOUT)
1/10 "Not even Shenron can make this game good." -IGN
Believe it or not, there was a time when any video game could get an animated series aimed at children. No, I'm not talking about some of the good ones, like Mega Man or Sonic SatAM. I mean... Mortal Kombat.
Yes, you read right. A franchise known for it's guts and gore got a kid's cartoon. It was called Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm, and from what I've heard, it was a steaming pile. But, that's not what we're discussing today, oh no. Today we're discussing the animated abomination known as "Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins." From what I can tell, it was a direct-to-VHS animated movie designed to promote the first live-action film and the third game. That's a good sign...
So the film opens with the New Line Cinema logo playing the theme we all know and love. Then we get narration, explaining the background behind the Mortal Kombat tournament. Yeah, as if anyone who bought the tape hasn't played the game. Keep in mind, at the time, the only people who were into Mortal Kombat at the time were gamers, and the movie wasn't even out yet.
We are then introduced to our three heroes, Liu Kang, everyone's favorite Bruce Lee clone, Johnny Cage, everyone's favorite Jean-Claude Van Damme clone, and Sonya Blade, who's also in this. Sonya is trying to work her walkie-talkie, while Johnny gets seasick. It turns out Sonya is looking for a wanted man, and she wants to talk to the captain of the boat. But she gets blocked by Sub-Zero. Then Shang Tsung comes out, and explains that Sonya has been chosen for the tournament. Shang Tsung then does some magic on Liu and Johnny, and Scorpion tries to hide from the fact that he's in this cartoon.
Sorry, Scorps. We can still see you.
So Shang Tsung instructs Scorpion to kill Sub-Zero, who sneak attacks our heroes. Oh, if you haven't noticed from the screenshot above, the animation quality is terrible. Like, Hanna-Barbera levels of terrible. And of course, being marketed to kids, the fighting... has no blood. But the worst is yet to come.
Scorpion then fights our heroes, and the best part of this whole thing happens. Scorpion says his usual "GET OVER HERE!!!" as he activates his signature attack on Sonya. It all goes downhill from there. But then, Raiden intervenes. Shang Tsung and Raiden have an argument. Then Liu explains to Johnny what Outworld is, and we get a "not in my job description" joke from Johnny. Then we get a flashback to... BY THE ELDER GODS!!!
My eyes hurt already.
As you can see, this travesty indulges in computer animation. And my God... I don't think Foodfight! looked this bad. Hell, even PS1 rendered cutscenes were better animated than this! And this was a major selling point for the tape. To give you an idea of how bad this looks, this tape came out a full year after Re-Boot, the first ever computer animated TV show. It was also released a full month before Toy Story, and that was the first ever computer animated feature-length film. I can only blame this on budget restrictions, but even that is too kind.
So we get our CGI fight scene and then our heroes arrive on the island. Then, no less than 20 seconds later, another CG fight scene, this time between Scorpion and Sub-Zero. Painful to look at and pointless in the long run, its only purpose is to explain why Scorpion is basically a ghost.
We get more exposition from Raiden, and we get a "conquer your fears" speech. Then, Kung Lao is mentioned and--ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! ANOTHER CG FIGHT?! This time between Goro and... black Goro? I'm not even trying to be racist or funny, that's what he looks like.
So, after that--OH MY GOD, ANOTHER ONE!! This time, it's Kung Lao against Goro.
Afterwards, our heroes are attacked by Tatarkans. And this is where the worst of the budget limits shine through. Animation is reused to a degree that makes the Flintstones look like Walt Disney. After about 2 minutes of regurgitated cells, Raiden intervenes. Then Shang Tsung decides to start the tournament.
And it ends with our favorite theme playing over a clip show of the CG fights.
So, how was it? Forget Foodfight!, Elf Bowling, or any cartoon the '70s has produced, this is the worst animated thing I have ever seen. I shudder to think of the Mane Six's thoughts on this...
Twilight: This direct-to-video cartoon is simply a shameless attempt to cash in on Mortal Kombat's popularity and the then-upcoming movie. The writing and animation is abysmal, not to mention the voice acting.
Rarity: I must say, Sonya looks terrible in green.
Applejack: What in the name of Celestia have ah just witnessed?!
Rainbow Dash: This isn't Mortal Kombat... this is just a half-hour long movie commercial! And it's not even a good one! Shame on Ed Boon and John Tobias for allowing this atrocity to come into existence!
Pinkie Pie: So... much... nope...
Fluttershy: Oh... my...
1/10 "Your soul is mine." -IGN
Before I begin my review, I would like to say that this will carry on in the spirit of former member Crimson Lionheart's reviews. As such, my reviews will be called "Morphin at the Movies/Arcades."
Now that that's out of the way...
No, I just said your name.
What can be said about the webslinger that hasn't already been said? Not a whole lot. So instead, I'm just gonna cut the crap and review a movie.
Today's movie: the oft-panned "Amazing Spider-Man 2."
Now I haven't seen the first movie, so I'm gonna see how the movie stacks up on its own.
Our movie begins with a man at Oscorp, who we learn is Peter Parker's father, deleting some files on a computer and experimenting on spiders. He then leaves after an alarm is somehow triggered.
We then cut to a plane where Peter's parents are discussing some whatsits about paranoia or something. Then the steward points a gun at Richard, fight ensues, plane crashes.
Then we see Spider-Man swinging through the city, chasing after a hijacked truck from Oscorp carrying plutonium. He confronts the driver through the window, with a few one-liners. Not very funny, but not cringe-worthy either.
Meanwhile, a man played by Jamie Foxx (spoiler alert: he becomes the villain) is carrying blueprints, when he is saved from a crushed car by Spidey. His name is Max Dillon, and he works for Oscorp.
Then Spider-Man recovers the plutonium, but then gets a call from Gwen Stacy. It turns out Peter's missing graduation. So now he's in a rush.
He catches the bad guy, while whistling his own theme song (which actually IS cringe-worthy), and manages to get there in time for his diploma.
Also, hello, Stan Lee!
Peter talks to Aunt May afterwards, and then awkward photo with Gwen. Peter promises her that he will eat dinner with her at 8 pm that night. Problem is, he also told her father he would stay away.
But then, Gwen breaks up with him. Peter mopes for a bit, rather unconvincingly.
Then Spider-Man walks a kid who he rescued from bullies home. Also, the kid built a wind turbine, but that's not important.
Public opinion of Spider-Man is mixed at best, but then Max from earlier comes to Spidey's defense on what I assume is a radio show.
Then Peter has to do things with May, and we learn that Max has become obsessed with Spider-Man. It's his birthday, also, but that's not important.
But then Max's power goes out.
Meanwhile, May almost learns Spidey's true identity, and Max goes to work, and runs into Gwen.
Also, Harry Osborn's father dies in a rather contrived way.
Meanwhile, Max is checking out the power grid for problems, when an accident (read: plot convenience) happens.
Also, Peter runs into Harry, and they hang out.
Then, Electro is born, and then Gwen and Peter discuss the friendzone over ice cream.
Meanwhile, Electro is walking down a street, and absorbs an AN ENTIRE POWER UNIT, then flips out on the cops. Then he and Spidey have their first confrontation, which I have to say looks pretty epic and impressive. If there's one thing I can give this movie credit for, aside from the cinematography, it's the action.
Then we get the even more contrived origin for Green Goblin. Yeah, Harry's the Goblin now. For a series that supposedly stays true to the comics, they sure got that detail wrong.
Then Electro is in the nuthouse, and Harry, shunted out of Oscorp, makes a deal with Electro.
And so Harry officially becomes the Goblin. Yay... not.
And then Gwen finds out Peter is Spider-Man, only shortly afterward, the whole of New York's power shuts down. Spidey goes to confront Electro in yet another impressive display of CGI and stunts. Gwen then resets the power, causing Electro to overload and explode.
Then Goblin comes in and then kills Gwen, which didn't really have much of an impact on me, but I digress. Spidey and Goblin start fighting, but it doesn't look as good as the part with Electro.
Then the Rhino gets shoehorned in, and in what is supposed to be a heartwarming moment, the kid Spidey walked home earlier gets into a Spider-Man costume and then Spider-Man comes back (forgot to mention, Spidey quit after Gwen's death) and they fight.
About as cliche as it gets.
And so ends the Amazing Spider-Man 2. How was it? It was alright, definitely better than Sam Raimi's third Spider-Man film, but not by much. But what do the Mane Six think?
Twilight: This film, while not the best written, is still entertaining, to a degree. The only major problem is the painfully forced ending.
Rarity: I do like Spider-Man's suit, but the film could be better.
Applejack: This movie's okay by me, just don't expect it to be mah first choice. That would be an episode of Duck Dynasty.
Rainbow Dash: The action was great, don't get me wrong, but the villains just fall flat.
Pinkie Pie: I'd watch it again, if only for fun. Because it really was a fun movie, and that's all I care about.
Fluttershy: Well, um, it was okay, I guess. I just think it could be use a bit more heart.
5/10 "Too much electricity." -IGN
Jimmy, I'm afraid you've been diagnosed with aut-HEIL HITLER!!!*bang**bang**bang*
Congrats, PeTA. You are officially the SECOND WORST charity.
Autism Speaks is an organization that has no autistic people in it, which isn't a good sign. To make matters worse, only 4% of their money actually goes towards supporting autistic families.
What does the rest of the money go towards? Well, they make ads using misinformation and fear to trick people into thinking that autism is a disease that must be cured.
First of all, autism is NOT a disease. To put it simply, if the human brain were a computer, then autistic people would have a different operating system than those who don't.
Second of all, to cure autism is like curing homosexuality. It just can't happen. Even if it could be cured, it would be the equivalent of genocide. No, in fact, it WOULD be genocide.
As an individual on the autism spectrum, I find what they do extremely repulsive, even more so than the likes of PeTA. You can most likely thank Autism Speaks for "autism" being thrown around as an insult on places like 4chan.
This is why I have no faith in humanity...
This pegasus made Godzilla 20% less cool. At least until 2000.
Well, it's time to tackle one of the reasons why adapting Japanese culture into American blockbusters is usually a bad idea.
It's time to take on... Godzilla (1998).
So, our movie begins with stock footage of nuclear testing and iguanas. Proving that while they got Godzilla's birth right, they got his species wrong.
Oh, right, this Godzilla ISN'T Godzilla. He's called Zilla, because that's what Toho, the people who own the REAL Godzilla, call him, so that's what I shall call him.
Anyway, after the opening credits, we get... an episode of Japanese Deadliest Catch, I guess.
No, actually, it's a Japanese military ship. Some radar technician picks up something suspicious on the radar, and an alarm goes off. Everyone panics.
Then the creature attacks. All hell breaks loose, as the ship is torn apart.
We then cut to our main character, Dr. Niko Tatoupolous, played by none other than Matthew Broderick, best known for voicing Simba inThe Lion King. Also, his name is constantly butchered as a running gag. Get it? It's a Greek name.
Anyway, Niko is a scientist who studies... worms. Yeah, I don't get it, either.
When we first see him, he is driving a Volkswagen van to Chernobl. Because we didn't have enough nuclear history references already.
He's setting up his study, when a helicopter lands behind him. Out comes the Ukraine army, and some guy from the U.S. State department, who tells him he's being transferred.
Cut to our generic French guy of the movie, who visits a hospital in Tahiti. Specifically, the bed of an old Japanese guy from the boat from earlier.
And here we get one of the dumbest moments of the movie.
The French guy pulls out a lighter and asks the old man what he saw.
Apparently, lighters are Babel fish, because the old man replies simply, "Gojira." (Note: Gojira is Godzilla's Japanese name.)
We then cut to... oh goody, our protagonist is back!
He finds himself on an island, and he is told to examine a new sample...
We have an escapee from Jurassic Park, people!
Tatoupoulos is convinced that no animal alive on Earth can make such a footprint.
Cut to New York City, where we get our discount April O'Neill of the film, Audrey Timmonds, played by Maria Pitillo. If you don't know who that is... me neither.
As I said, she's a reporter for a local news station. And she'll also be our love interest of the film. So... yeah.
Cut to Jamaica, where I'm sure I could get some good weed to forget this film. And... we're back to our protagonist. Yippee.
Our protagonist approaches a shipwrecked ship, which has nasty clawmarks on it.
And... our French guy is back. He's bantering with the U.S. military about how he's interfering.
Cut to yet ANOTHER ship off the East Coast of 'Murica. No points for guessing what happens to it.
After that, our protagonist is looking into a microscope, where we get our daily dose of exposition.
Back to NYC, where our reporter is having dinner with her boss. Suddenly, she sees our protagonist on the news, and they turn out to know each other from college.
At last, we get the big reveal. Zilla has arrived. And boy, his CG is baaaaaad.
His CG is as dated as this movie.
Anyway, we get our Siskel and Ebert stand-ins as MAYOR OF NEW YORK. Wow, I guess Emmerich really didn't like the reviews for Independence Day.
Guess who shows up at their inaugural speech?
Cut to the news station, where Barney is on TV for irony purposes.
Cut to our reporter, still fawning over Niko. Guess who shows up? (Hint: it's Zilla.)
Audrey then calls someone a word which I will not utter here because unlike Derpy, this word really is offensive to mentally challenged people.
Luckily, they caught Zilla on film.
As if that weren't bad enough, they actually use some of Godzilla's REAL roars in the film. That's like polishing a turd.
Anyway, Niko shows up. Here's another dumb moment: Zilla GOES MISSING. And this is a MAJOR PLOT POINT.
Then the news guy says this is the worst thing to happen in the Big Apple since THE 1996 WORLD TRADE CENTER BOMBINGS. Give it a couple years, Emmerich. I'm sure it'll get worse. Oh wait...
God, this movie is dated.
Audrey is still fawning over Niko, and tries to convince the boss man to let her see him.
Eventually, she does.
Everything can't be 5 cents, as Zilla clearly shows.
Then the mayor and his aide show up and meet the French guy. God, this is like the OPPOSITE of the stereotype. You know, cause the French HATE us.
Then, our reporter is on the subway to try and find our protagonist. They eventually meet out of plot convenience.
Also, French guy wishes his donut were a croissant.
Then Mayor Ebert gets ticked at the military, who find out that Zilla went through the tunnels... somehow.
Also, Niko and the military try to bait Zilla with... FISH?!?!
And a lot of it, too, as cleverly pointed out by Niko, and I quote: "That's a lot of fish."
And sure enough...
The freakin' Godzilla's a spy!!
Cue Jurassic Park inferiority complex music. Yes, this movie is Jurassic Park meets The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms.
Then the military fires. AND ZILLA RUNS.
See, this is why this movie takes the God out of Godzilla.
Now the military sends in the clowns. In helicopters. They do more harm than good in this movie, by the way. They make Stormtroopers look competent. At one point, they hit the GODDAMN CHRYSLER BUILDING.
Well, that's a pleasant image.
Also, apparently, Zilla has no heat signature, since "he's colder than the buildings around him."
See? I told you. MAJOR. PLOT. POINT.
Niko runs into Audrey while buying pregnancy tests. For ZILLA. HUMAN pregnancy tests, I might add. ANOTHER MAJOR PLOT POINT.
I'm SOOOOO tempted to quote Red Foreman from That 70s Show right now.
And the pregnancy tests somehow works.
Then he says Zilla reproduces asexually.
Which means... that Zilla is having his babies in the Big Apple.
Then Audrey goes behind Niko's back and leaks a tape she found in his tent to the media. Some girlfriend you are. Niko, of course, gets mad when he finds out.
And back to the military and the mayor and our protagonist. Niko tells the military his findings.
Niko runs into the French guy after he dumps his girl. It seems they have a common goal: finding Zilla's nest.
Audrey sneaks underground, and Niko and the French guy go looking for the nest. And the French guy has an accurate Elvis impression, which helps them get past a checkpoint.
Then they lure out Zilla again, and he takes the bait. Again. And they fire again. And he runs away AGAIN.
You know, it's almost like Emmerich WROTE this movie, too, as well as directing.
Oh wait... he did.
Then Zilla JUMPS INTO THE DAMN RIVER. They find him using a submarine. Then they presumably kill him.
But that's not all. Turns out Niko was right.
And Zilla laid eggs in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN of all places.
The eggs hatch, and our "heroes" run away.
After Niko tells the military via news broadcast to blow up Madison Square Garden, they do it.
BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!!!
In a plot twist that would make Shyamalan wet himself, it turns out Zilla is still alive. Somehow.
The military decides to end it and blow Zilla the hell up. With missiles. While he's caught in the Manhattan Bridge.
After all this, Niko and Audrey make up, everybody celebrates, and the mayor's aide gives his boss a thumbs down.
"Wait, you guys think there's more? It's over. Go home."
I just had to quote a far superior Broderick film for the ending.
MY FINAL VERDICT:
As a cheesy throwback to giant monster B-movies from the 1950s, it's an okay film. As a giant monster movie, it's mediocre, but still watchable. As a Godzilla film, it's a downright atrocity.
But what do the Mane Six think?
Twilight: On a technical level, the movie is very poorly written and takes major scientific liberties to the point that they distract from the whole experience. In terms of faithfulness to the source material, it doesn't even come close.
Rarity: IT WAS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL!!! IT WAS SO 1990'S IT HURT!!! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON AUDREY'S HAIR...
Applejack: Don't get me wrong, ah love 'Murica, but this... this is just too blatantly American. Not ta mention the movie's based on a Japanese giant monster, which they followed as closely as a greyhound huntin' a skunk.
Rainbow Dash: LAAAAAAAME!!! I mean, COME ON, EMMERICH!! IT'S GOD-FREAKIN-ZILLA!!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!!! You got EVERYTHING WRONG THAT YOU POSSIBLY COULD!!! Oh, what's that? You don't like the source material? THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE TO MESS UP A PROPERTY THAT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LOVE, EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!
Pinkie Pie: BOOOORIIIING!!!! And I know boring when I see it, because I live for fun. This was not a fun movie.
Fluttershy: Um, I didn't like it. I would say something about it, but that would be mean, and this movie's been beaten up enough. I'd like to put it out of its misery, if that's okay.
4/10 "It's OK." -IGN.
It's time we had a serious talk, and like all serious talks, it's best to open with a joke.
No, seriously, it is, because as far as I'm concerned, George Lucas is nothing more than just a punchline these days.
A wise man once said, "People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians, and if the laws of the United States continue to condone this behavior, history will surely classify us as a barbaric society."
Got all that? Good.
Now what if I told you that said wise man was named George Lucas?
That's right, the same person who REPEATEDLY altered the original Star Wars trilogy went before Congress in 1988 to warn about the dangers of editing cultural history.
Don't know what I mean? Here, see for yourself:
You all know what's coming, so let's get it out of the way: HAN. SHOT. FIRST.
Why did he make changes to Star Wars? Well, he claims it was his "original vision" represented in the 1997 edited versions, when really it's to appeal to a wider audience.
Hmmm... that sounds familiar...
Enter the Friendship is Magic episode, "The Last Roundup."
At that very moment, millions cried out for joy as their favorite background character talked.
You all know this scene by now, so I won't bother insulting your intelligence.
Then of course, some Social Justice Warrior named Yamino complained to Hasbro, stating that Derpy is offensive to the mentally challenged.
So what does Hasbro do? Why, they change it, of course!
"The Last Roundup: Special Edition."
See, here's the problem. You have a work of art, and people like it. You make changes afterward, and now their children can't experience the original.
There was, of course, considerable backlash, but unlike George Lucas, Hasbro released the unedited version on DVD.
And that is why editing our artistic heritage is bad. Now if you'll excuse me, my never-ending quest for the original theatrical release of Star Wars continues...
And I... HOLY SH%$! ...will always love you-- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME, G#@DAMNIT, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?
Okay, let's get this out of the way... This episode is THE SPAWN OF SATAN HIMSELF! Why? Because it takes Rainbow Dash's character, and destroys it. All of the usual flaws of a bad episode are present, but that's not the problem. The problem begins with the Mane Six.
Rainbow Dash is egotistical beyond belief, and the others are just... a&#holes. I mean, if you think about it, if your friend upstaged you and showed off just to teach you about humility, you wouldn't take that sitting down. In fact, you'd be even less likely to be humble afterwards.
RAPE MY CHILDHOOD, WILL YOU?!? YOU WILL ALL DIE!!
In fact, this whole episode is just very mean-spirited. One minute, Ponyville is cheering for Dash, and the next minute, they shun her while saying Mare-Do-Well's praises.
Speaking of which...
You were my sister, Scootaloo! I loved you!
This episode has the GUTS to have Scootaloo abandon Rainbow Dash for Mare-Do-Well. That's where I draw the line. This episode feels like a bad fanfiction, and this is where it is most obvious.
But it's not a fanfic. This is a real episode. With a real, paid writer.
Some people just want to watch the world burn.
Pictured above is Merriwether Williams, the writer responsible for this warping of Dash's character. She also worked on "Putting Your Hoof Down" and post-movie Spongebob, which isn't a good sign.
It's easy to see why this episode is hated so much. By taking the then-most popular character in the show and making a mockery of her, many bronies, pegasisters and little girls alike were left with a bad taste in their mouths. Some bronies even went as far as disowning Rainbow Dash as their favorite character because of this episode.
The bowels of Mount Doom, which will then be nuked from orbit (it's the only way to be sure)